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you may remember me...(12 Posts)
from such threads as....pathetic question and...nope cant remember the others.
Quick Background: Separated a month ago, after 7 years of marriage. 4 young DC. Marriage was over a long time before I actually left. Have met someone who is interested and visa versa.
He has now said he would like to be with me..as in exclusively. Hurrah for me! However I am in danger of messing things up before it even gets going. I am really really struggling to believe that he wants to give things a go with someone just separated with four children. Why cant I just take him at face value? He has expressed worries that he might be a rebound. But isnt a rebound what someone does when they are sad their relationship ended? It sounds very cold, but I wasnt sad at all. I had done all my grieving for my failed marriage a year or so back. Being interested in someone so soon doesnt make them a rebound. Does it? hmm. Any musings from folk more experienced about this whole dating thing is welcome. Thanks. (I really have no clue)
Did your 4 young children do their grieving a year ago also? You separated a month ago, I personally think it is far too soon to be with someone 'exclusively', unless you plan on making sure his paths don't cross with your children's for at least another 5 months.
I do plan on him not meeting my children. Not indefinitely of course but I would have to be really really really really sure of him and us before that would ever happen. So put your claws away please, my children were, are and always will be the most important people in my life. My older two kids are happy we are living apart, the younger are still babies.
how old are your kids?
honestly, I am just at "My older two kids are happy we are living apart", honestly.
I would say take it slowly, if it is right you can have the rest of your lives with this man, but I find it difficult to believe that young children whose lives have just been changed so dramatically aren't struggling to come to terms with that, and won't continue to do so over a long period of time.
I take the point made in your last post, and it doesn't sound like you are going rushing into it anyway, but that would be my main advice - have a relationship for you, and see where it goes.
sorry, main advice being to take it slowly, see where it goes, enjoy your time with this man but don't involve your children yet.
A month ?
Far, far, far too soon. No wonder you are confused.
For god's sake slow down. Why do people rush headlong into new relationships ? It is really, really silly to do such a thing.
You won't listen, though
I don't think you can put a time limit on anything, is 12 months enough, and if it is, does 11 months and 28 days not count, and if 11 months and 28 days is okay, what about 11 months and 12 days? Do you see where I'm going with this?
If you like this man and he likes you, then you will both be willing to give each other the space necessary to get used to your new situation. Can you agree to be 'just friends' for a while, hard as that may be?
When I split from exh I found it really helped me grow as a person to realise that I could stand on my own two feet, that I didn't need a man to make my life complete, nice as they are to have around. It was only when I'd come to this realisation that I felt able to commit to a proper serious relationship. I didn't have children at the time to add to the equation, but I am sure your older ones will just want you to be happy. Divorce/step dads are common enough these days that they will have friends they can talk it over with too, just reassure them that you are not looking for a replacement dad.
Be gentle with yourself.
thanks for all responses.
Right lets see.
Hariboegg - why are you struggling to believe he is interested? low self esteem perhaps? I am actually a very confident person nowadays, though I had zilch throughout my marriage. Then I got my job, realised I was still a person and a strong person at that, not just a wife that was ignored for the most and used for a quick leg over when the mood suited. Anyhow. Its not low self esteem, just surprised really that he wouldnt rather find someone without any.
In terms of my separation and the children. They see their father every day. He comes in from work as usual and spends time with them, then puts them to bed. He watches them when I work. He takes them at weekends or comes here for them. Our split is very amicable and ultimately not much has changed for the children. They know he isnt here at night when they are asleep. Since the split we have spoken often about their feelings. They have told me that daddy and mummy smile more now and dont shout anymore. I have asked them what they would rather have, daddy in his own house and coming to see them or daddy at home again. Hand on heart they said daddy in his own house. They love going to see him there and getting lots of one on one attention. My younger two are too young to really understand and have also been fine.
I certainly dont need a man. I never have needed a man and am fiercely independant. I dont lie in bed at night, desperate to have a bloke there to cuddle or whatever. I do the starfish instead
Hariboegg again - are you enjoying the time with NM? are you excited to see him? or do you feel he is just "there"? I love spending time with NM. He is funny, sweet and smart. He has never put any pressure on me in any way and is very independant himself. I am always excited to see him but I can also be perfectly happy chilling in front of dvd with a glass of wine all by myself.
I'd say it's too early to be talking about "giving things a go" and getting serious, not because of your recent split (if you're sure you're ready and you've been emotionally detached from the relationship for ages, who am I to argue?), but it's too soon in a new relationship to be talking that way.
I think it should be light and fun and "just dating" at this stage, a month in. OK, maybe agreeing not to see anyone else mightn't too big a step, but don't get in too deep at this stage. If he's trying to rush you into declaring your intentions, then it's not a good sign, imo. What's the hurry? It should just be fun.
I think we did the exclusive talk thing, because we are both working in an environment where we both get a lot of attention....as such. So it was more of a way of saying, yes we like each other enough and dont plan on exploring the other fishes in the sea, but not saying yup lets get serious. Does that make any sense?! Probably not.
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