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Another affair tale(10 Posts)
Discovered last week that my dp of 7 yrs has been seeing a work colleague for last 19 mths. We have 2 dc's, 4 and almost 2, yes it began when little one was just 2 months old. Sounds like classic lack of attention affair, though he claims he never stopped loving me or wanting to be with me and we are trying to get through it. Am I naive to think it won't happen again? He has done it before, though not to me. I thought having children would stop him.
Anyway he is promising it's over with her, she was only in his office twice a month or so and he is changing jobs so shouldn't see her through work again.
Not sure what I'm asking really, still feel numb, sick, can't believe he did it. Does anyone have any experience of relationships working after an affair?
I'm really sorry, Fred
I don't have any experience to offer you, but to me, 19 months seems a heckuva long time, and if it's not the first time he's done this he will have surely known the sort of fall out his actions would cause?
Imho this is recurrent behaviour and there are clearly some problems that would need resolving before you could rebuild trust.
He needs to understand why he did it, address his vulnerabilities/character flaws and take steps to prevent himself from doing it again. Until he has done those things, he is more likely to do it again.
You may find reading Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends helpful.
When you say discovered do you mean you found out about it, or he came to you and explained that he'd been having an affair and it was all finished and he was very sorry etc?
If you found out about it, do you think it would have just carried on until you did?
If he willingly told you, do you think he may have been under pressure to do so? I.e. From his mistress/family/friends who found out.
In my mind there's a big difference between someone who makes a mistake, realises it, admits his error & tries to make up for it, to someone who is found out & hastily does some arse-covering.
Either way 19 months is a very long time.
Regardless of what he says/does you should get yourself checked out for STDs.
You should also visit a solicitor/CAB asap to find out what your rights are. I notice you're not married so you don't have that legal protection, if he walked out tomorrow (or you decided he had to go) would you be able to survive financially?
Essentially he has shown that he can't be trusted, and because of this you really need to protect yourself and your children by finding out where you stand if you split up, even if you stay together forever it's good to know.
Take care, and I'm very sorry this has happened to you.
Thanks for your thoughts. I found out as I was suspicious of a text that arrived at the weekend. I had the opportunity to look at his phone on Tuesday discovered it gone so rang the number, womans voice. Found old answer phone message to confirm. When I confronted him he was of course devastated, but later admitted he wouldn't have ended it if I hadn't found out, though he would have been seeing less of her due to change in work.
Hadn't even thought to check where I stand if it does all go wrong, thank you for the suggestion.
Gosh it's crap isn't it.
It is indeed very crap.
If it was me, and I wanted to continue this relationship, I would want to know for certain it had ended, as I imagine all you have is his word for it, and you know that's not worth much, right?
I would also want to know his reasons for staying I.e. Has it just occured to him that he has royally f*cked up, and could potentially lose the love of his life (you, presumably) and is desperate to keep you? or is he staying because you own the house, car, and keep him in the manner that he likes to live?, or is it because he gets his laundry done, likes having daily access to the kids? Most likely it's a combination of all 3, but have a think about what is likely, and possibly even ask him to write a letter to you explaining his reasons for staying and why you should take him back -remember he should be fighting to keep you, not vice versa.
Have you considered asking him to move out for a period while you have some time to think about things? Even if you plan to work through things this time apart could be valuable to give you both the chance to think about what you want/need from your relationship. It will also show him what he could lose, and that's sometimes a real wake up call - for some reason these men never think they'll get caught, so tend not to consider what will happen if they are.
If you do have some time apart, make sure he does equal amounts of childcare & work as you do, this should not be a holiday for him while you do all the shit work at home.
There's lots of good advice on some of the other threads on here, so have a read, but please do check your health, and your financial affairs soon, I.e. Start making appointments tomorrow.
Virtual hug coming your way <<hug>>
He will do it again if he says that only you finding out has put a stop to it - he doesn't appear to see it as a bad thing. You know he has done it before. 19 months is such a long time. Can you live with a DH who will very likely have flings over your marriage. Many people can/do. Your DC are young, much easier if you do split on their lives rather than 5/10 years down the line IME. I'm so sorry. I would ask him to leave for a period so you can think.
Sorry for lack of paragraphs, putting the kids to bed!
He would have continued it if you hadn't found out. He told you that.
If you want to continue with him with that knowledge, get counselling and good luck to you.
Personally I'd run a mile. This wasn't 'just' sex, it was 19 months - a relationship.
Sorry to hear that Fred
He doesn't have an ounce of respect for you. 19 months is a very long time to be having an affair, I couldn't forgive and get past that.
Do you want to leave him?
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