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Is doubting a viscous circle?

(10 Posts)
MadamDoubtfire Mon 15-Aug-11 12:27:48

I'm with a new partner. I have a more general question rather than about any specific details. We seem to be going around in circles because of doubts we both seem to have, which then amplify each other in a kind of positive feedback manner.

I think there are two ways of looking at this.

1) Doubts are nature's way of telling us something's wrong.
2) Doubts are just what normal people have, stop worrying and jump in. All relationships are a leap of faith, just enjoy it.

If the latter of these is correct, I can't help thinking that doubts just generate doubts, which makes any relationship ultimately fragile and impossible.

What do you think? Do some people just worry too much?

PS my doubts about partner aren't about anything specific, they're not about him drinking too much, being controlling, spending too much, they're just general non-specific doubts.

MadamDoubtfire Mon 15-Aug-11 12:28:20

Of course, I meant vicious circle (don't know where viscous came from!)

Mumofjz Mon 15-Aug-11 12:41:08

depends what the doubt is, i would say and how irratated by it you are. Like you said, no doubts about personality disorders!!!!

But in answer to your question, if we question everything, we will always be able to find both positive and negative answers, life isn't black and white - very much "grey" x


MadamDoubtfire Mon 15-Aug-11 12:53:05

I'm just annoyed with myself. When I met my husband at 21, I didn't have doubts, and it didn't work out. Now at 31, with my new partner, I have doubts about doubts. Is that a process of just being older and cynical? Am I throwing away my chances of happiness because of all this doubting? I really can't seem to resolve it in my head

Mumofjz Mon 15-Aug-11 13:04:20

older and wiser!!!! (only in somecases) what are you doubts?

MadamDoubtfire Mon 15-Aug-11 13:38:41

Fundamentally, it's all about whether I love him. We have nice times together, have similar interests, etc, sex is good.

Some will say that if you have to think about it, you don't. On the other hand, I think that it's a bit like the watched kettle that never boils - if you think about falling in love too much, and worry about it, you never will.

keynesian Mon 15-Aug-11 15:19:56

Why isn't the "have nice times together, have similar interests, etc, sex is good" enough for the moment instead of searching for something more elusive? So long as you're not settling for something that makes you unhappy I can't see what else there is?

(I'm obviously discounting fireworks, birds tweeting as he walks by, earth actually moving etc!) grin

What difference would placing a label on your feelings make?

Mumofjz Mon 15-Aug-11 15:31:29

i can't tell you the exact time i fell in love with hubby, though i did leave my ex to be with him taking DD with me. We moved in together after 6 wks and i know i wasn't in love at that stage - though i was willing/had given up 13yrs to be with him - i loved him overtime, months, it grew (unknowingly) until after a while i looked at this man and thought i was the luckiest girl alive and would give my life for him and to this day (8yrs on) and DS later i love him more with each passing day - Hubby would say he loved me from the off, he just knew grin

MadamDoubtfire Mon 15-Aug-11 16:14:29

Keynsian, that's nice, but every so often, I think my partner would want to be told definitely (as would I) that "I love you", not "I like you a lot, I mean we have fun together, have nice times", and you worry about the long term future of the relationship

Mumofjz Wed 17-Aug-11 18:05:25

tell him you love him when you do love him, no rush

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