Hi, I've name changed for this but I'm sure a few people will recognise my story so please don't let on my regular name.
I'm planning to leave an abusive partner. My main concern is my son, he's 3. After he was born was when partner started getting really abusive, he shattered my confidence and was a massive contributor to the seriousness of PND as he wouldn't let me bond with him. I completely went off the rails, started taking drugs (that he was supplying!) and had little interest in DS. Social Services became involved because of our "volatile relationship" and police have been calls several times. I've never admitted the truth to police but I know they knew full well.
I never kept quiet that he was violent...told everyone but nobody seemed to want to make him face up to his problems.
I moved out for 6 months when things got too bad, I wasn't allowed to take DS, that was made clear by DP. I had to get out. He was making me believe I was crazy! He would allow me to have him 1/2 nights a week.
Since last March (2010) I've become a new person and I know I'm a bloody good mum, I have him 5 nights a week but his dad still claims all the benefits for him.
It's only in hindsight I can see what he did to me with DS and having DD (now 11 weeks) has proved that as I now live alone, 1 mile from their dad.
I am the full time parent, yet in a row he tells me I have to fight him in court to see DS (there is no residency order in place). I just have no idea where I stand. I know he'd fight dirty and tell a court I don't bother with him.
This "man" attacked me whilst holding our daughter. He is cruel, shouts at us all to the point DS is desensitized to it, he grows weed for a living and has been out of work for 10+ years.
I've started a journal, I know he's too arrogant to prepare anything like it.Â
I need my son with me properly so I can be free of this dick...I just can't do anything too hasty.
The last straw was on Tuesday, I went round with the kids and he started shouting at me that I'd stole a tenner from his draw...I knew I hadn't took it so got on knees to look in the cupboard below, he ran at me and pulled me further to the floor by my hair and stamped on my head a few times before dragging me up and hitting my head of worktop.
I left to go to his mums but he wouldn't let me take the kids.
Bizarrely, although I'm sore, he left no bruises so I was scared to phone the police as unsure what happens with the kids when he tells them I hit him (I never have, he's a 6.4ft big bloke for a start, I just know he'll say anything to get to me)...I'm also terrified of not being believed, as was once the case when police came after he attacked me, one man said "I've met girls like you, causing trouble for their exes when you don't get what you want". I would have topped myself after that if it wasn't for my support worker.
It's sad because he is a good dad to the kids, I can't fault him for his involvement. It's just him as a role model, and obviously his temper.
For example, my son thinks it's perfectly normal that people hurt hands punching doors. Now DS is gonna be at least 6ft 4 so I do not want him to be a bully (not that size is a factor obviously but you know what I mean!).
I have a lovely, clean 2 bed flat, he has a dirty pokey 1 bed flat so I'm sure that would be taken into consideration too.
I had problems, I really lost the plot, but I cooperated with everyone and always asked for help when I needed it.
My drug worker from that time often had to make herself available for a whole afternoon when he had gone on one...she knew how abusive he was.
 I also told social services what he did to me but he never had to do anything about it whereas I had to jump through hoops to prove I was a fit mum! I even told SS he was dealing coke yet they never took it anywhere!
HV used to go to his in pairs as they feared for their own safety...he is known for this.
My psychiatrist said there were no pills he could give me, what I needed was [hands me leaflet on DV]
So there's a pretty rambled version of events.
I need all the support I can get to help me get through this. He is not going to lie down and take this, I've got one hell of a fight on my hands. I'm terrified I'm not strong enough to do it. Terrified of losing custody of either of my babies to this beast.
I read today that leaving an abusive relationship is not a decision, it's a process, so please don't tell me I should have left him years ago, do it for the kids, etc...I feel enough guilt!
Also, it's only recently that I've started to realize that actually, not everything is my fault.
Any advice, kind words or support would be greatly appreciated...feeling so alone right now.
Sorry this is so long.
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How will I get through this???
35 replies
enoughisenough86 · 15/08/2011 08:51
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