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H Lied cheated Left Why Am I Starting to blame myself

(3 Posts)
steelchic Mon 15-Aug-11 01:53:23

I've posted re my situation a few times, brief back ground (I'll try to be brief)
H and I married 10 years (together 14) 3 DC'S - 25yrs (from my prev relationship) 11 yrs & 7 yrs. Our relationship over the past 2 years hadn't been great but I felt it was ok and we'd work through things. H on the other hand decided he wanted out. May 2010 I found out he had rented a flat and intended to leave me. He rented it from Feb 2010 but he never left until I found out in the May, this resulted in a big row and basically I told him to leave, he did but came back the following week and we both said we would work at things. Things were never really the same though. I had loads of things going on in the weeks that followed him coming back, My mum had a bad fall that resulted in her being in hospital for 4 months, this brought on dementia (she was being assesed for this before the fall but the shock of the fall made it so much worse,) while in hospital she was tested for lung cancer they were certain she had it as a solid mass showed up in her lung. We were told if it was cancer they would not be able to do much due to the state of her lungs (heavy smoker) Thankfully the mass shrunk and she is ok.
Also my dad died, he had estranged from the family for 20 odd years but even so I took it bad. I founf out when I opened my mums mail there was a letter from the pensions authority saying sorry to hear about the death of your husband - it was such a shock. Because of this i suppose I was not focused on fixing my marriage (having to work and visit hosp sort mums house out etc). Anyway Fast forward to end 2010 H was a misery I couldn't do anything right, I knew he regretted coming back. He was away on business loads (travels the world) anyway Feb 2011 he was on a business trip, I call his mobile get on to his voice mail? message from a letting agency regarding the property he had rented - he had done it again only this time a 3 bedroom house. So that was that he never came home. Turns out he has a GF she practicaly moved in with him. But we went to councelling and talked of getting back together but he would not give her up until he was sure we would work out. Anyway the last couple of months he has changed getting back together no longer an option. Found out last week he has bought a house (2 miles from family home) with his GF and she is pregnant. Part of me hates him, but now I'm starting to think If we had worked harder at things (not just in the last couple of years) maybe things would have been different. I know he really loved me - what made him stop - I wish I could go back in time and stop all this mess from happening. I can't believe this has happened. He still wants us to be friends - but I can't accept this total betrayal.
Sorry rambling - my head is all over the place x

Bogeyface Mon 15-Aug-11 03:03:37

If you went back in time you couldnt stop this happening. You know why? Because life, REAL life always throws us problems that we either deal with them or fall apart. He is one of lifes fall-aparters. He made vows to you that included for better or for worse, in sickness or in health. But the second that better turned to worse, he was out of the door, and a man like that would always bolt when things get a little hard.

He will do the same to his GF, and probably a hell of alot quicker than he did it to you. If she gets PND, or the baby is a bit of a handful or just because the exciting life he thought he was getting turned out to be the same as his life with you (and the same as everyone elses), he will leg it. Only he will do it sooner and with less back and forth because he now knows how easy it is.

Do you really want such a cowardly waste of space in your life? Someone who cant love and support his wife when she is having a hard time? Someone who throws a strop when suddenly he isnt the centre of her attention? Ok so maybe you were a bit neglectful of him for a while, but a decent loving husband would understand why and would actually be more caring and less demanding of you when you obviously needed it. He just got mardy and found someone else to stroke his ego.

Ime, the hardest part of a breakup, especially when there is an affair involved, is finding out that the person you thought you were married to isnt that person at all. YOu are grieving for the man you loved, sadly, he isnt the man you were married to and that takes some getting over.

Take it easy on yourself, none of this is your fault.

steelchic Mon 15-Aug-11 09:20:10

Thanks Bogey, I know what your saying is completely true. I just need a kick up the bum now and then to stop me thinking "IF ONLY" xx

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