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2 questions, really - recent ex-gf of my abusive XP has got in contact

(16 Posts)
BertieBotts Sun 14-Aug-11 17:28:25

1. She wants her DS (XP's child, though he's now denying paternity. Yes he is that much of a tool.) and her DD (Not XP's, though he did play "Daddy" for a bit and they spent some time with DS) to have contact with DS, because they got on before. She also wants to be friends with me. I have absolutely no interest in being friends with her, because I don't see anything we have in common, she's literally the polar opposite to me, and also, by outside accounts, she isn't a very nice person in general. She did once call me a twat, loudly, in front of my DS. But nevertheless, her DS is still my DS's half brother. Do I owe it to him to keep contact up? DS is only barely aware he exists - he is 9 months old and he hasn't seen him since he was 5 months, and being 2, a 5 month old didn't really register massively with him.

2. She was asking for details about our relationship just to see if their relationship was the same, or the pack of lies he told her about me was true. Of course it was quite similar, and in some ways, I'd probably find it interesting/cathartic to be able to discuss the relationship with someone who really understands, but my DP now feels that the only reason she is getting in contact is because she isn't over XP, and he's sort of implying that I'm not over XP if I want to talk about him, which I find really hurtful. I can't explain this any other way but I am over him romantically and probably was way before I ended it, but I'm probably not completely over the abuse and the way he treated me and I think I do still need to talk about it. I haven't been able to verbalise this without it sounding like I'm making excuses, and though I understand if he doesn't want me to talk about it with him, I don't see why I can't talk about it with other people, but I don't really know how to bring this up. And I'm aware this sounds really controlling and horrible but I think he just literally doesn't get the whole emotional abuse thing, how massive an effect it has had on my life and how much of a big thing it is to get over. But I want to be honest with him as well, because I feel that if I ever bring up the subject of ever talking about it I'm worried about his reaction. (Which is probably a hangup from XP anyway, since DP would never react that badly, but still, I'm worried.)

babyhammock Sun 14-Aug-11 17:48:36

People don't get abusive relationships at all do they...I get exhausted trying to explain it ,,,but anyway..
Hmmm tricky....I'd probably be tempted to talk to her (could help) but as far as trying to orchestrate a relationship between her DS and yours, I'd be very wary. I'd see it as another link to ex which you could probably really do without..just makes it harder to extract him from your life.. x

BertieBotts Sun 14-Aug-11 18:22:06

No... well, I have thought about it, and I think on that particular issue, he probably wouldn't have a problem with me talking to someone, or him, about issues I have resulting from the relationship, but he doesn't understand why I would want to talk to people who were around back then and knew XP because he sees it as just dragging everything up and somehow wanting to stay involved in that timeframe. So maybe he has a point? I don't know.

nickschick Sun 14-Aug-11 18:25:03

I think you will think im speaking out of turn.

Avoid avoid avoid.

You have your life back on track your ds doesnt need 'relationships' like this'

If you want to talk it through,use a counsellor not an old ex of an exs.

Be happy smile.

BertieBotts Sun 14-Aug-11 18:31:03

No, honestly? That's what I want to hear. But I just feel mean turning my back on her when I could probably offer her support. That's what it is really, I think. I can see her going straight into another destructive relationship, and I feel for her DCs mainly. I don't need to psychoanalyse old relationships with all of XP's subsequent girlfriends.

nickschick Sun 14-Aug-11 18:32:50

You dont need to support her,you owe her nothing.

You owe yourself,your dc and your dp to enjoy being a family - she and her dc are no part of it.

colabottles Sun 14-Aug-11 18:32:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notsorted Sun 14-Aug-11 18:52:57

Hi, definitely go to a counsellor if you can afford to. This has been huge piece of your life and has affected you. You may get to resent DP's brushing it under the carpet ... which is fine for him perhaps, but if you need to process it and a counsellor can help. Shop around and check out that whoever you see has experience with this kind of thing. You need the space to say what affect it had on you, give it it's proper shape and size without the fear of anyone minimising abuse.
If it feels right, then respond to xp's x-gf and say perhaps we can meet at some future date, I don't think I am able to now. This is something that you can discuss with counsellor too. Much later on, it might be awful if either DS found they had a half-brother they didn't know. Also worth considering is whether just hearing her side and not commenting would help you. But this should all be about your needs now with your new DP and your needs in the future. Don't feel sorry for her, don't feel pressurised.

whomovedmychocolate Sun 14-Aug-11 18:57:57

Gawd no, run for the hills. Anyone who thinks you need to be together because of a shared misery is just that, a misery. Would you befriend someone at the clap clinic because you both had syphillis? Well quite.

You owe her nothing, talking to her won't help. She needs to deal with her stuff and you need to deal with yours. Genetic similarities are not enough to build a family relationship IMHO.

buzzsore Sun 14-Aug-11 19:07:40

I think you do need to talk to someone about the abuse but that's a counsellor.

I don't know about the half-sibling relationship. Maybe there's a half-way house where you could keep vaguely in touch, exchange photos occasionally - then when your ds is older if he wants to get to know him he can?

BelleDameSansMerci Sun 14-Aug-11 19:14:15

She is not your friend... You owe her nothing. I second 'avoid, avoid, avoid'.

Bogeyface Sun 14-Aug-11 20:08:04

I'm going to disagree and say that perhaps it wouldnt be such a bad thing for you to meet her for a chat.

His treatment of you was so bad that it is still having ramifications now, and you are still questioning yourself. He has done the same to her and lied etc. By getting together and realising that he treated you both the same way and he lied about you, it may help you both understand that HE is the problem not either of you. She probably also feels bad about the way she treated you and spoke to you, and realises that it was because of the lies he told. Meeting her would give you the chance to tell her how that made you feel and would give her the opportunity to apologise.

As for the DC keeping in touch, I agree that photos and cards etc is probably the best way to go atleast until they are both older and can have some part of the decision making themselves.

BertieBotts Sun 14-Aug-11 20:09:57

Have had counselling since leaving XP, but didn't find it that helpful, because I just didn't think to bring the issues up in the day when nothing was happening to trigger them off, if that makes sense. But keep meaning to follow up GP appointment for referral to CBT or similar for some other issues, and from what I have heard, these things all tend to be interrelated so hoping that if there is something to come up, it might come up there.

I suppose that I'm worrying about what notsorted said - that if DS finds out later he has a half brother, that might be weird for him. Or if we talk about it periodically so that it's not some big secret, but he always knows it, what happens when he gets older and says "But why don't I ever see my brother, mum?" I still take him to see his grandmother on XP's side, and she sees the other ex and her children sporadically, so there's a chance they could meet there when older but at the moment, me and the other ex would have to be there, and I'd just rather not. My gut feeling IS avoid. I'm glad you've all said the same thing!

notsorted Sun 14-Aug-11 20:28:53

CBT is about coping with the present and future. There may be some mention of past events but they are sort of seen as a given and you are there to get some tools to cope with the feelings that crop up. But talk to CBT counsellor and see what they suggest or if they suggest anything further.
Would Gingerbread - single parents - be worth a call re how to deal with half-brothers at least knowing about each other? I think cards/photos perhaps so that the existence of HB is acknowledged? Do you get on with XP's mother at all? Perhaps not now but may be sound her out re later on and what she thinks? I guess she could be the stable link in the chain?

BertieBotts Sun 14-Aug-11 20:38:39

XP's mother is alright, I approach her with caution. She is pleasant enough and DS likes her so I'm happy to facilitate the relationship, but she can be manipulative and pushy with contact - constant texts, sly move from meeting in town, to meeting at her house, to inviting her family members over when we are there - nothing too huge though. She also seems to like drama, though goes on about how awful it all is, and has to tell me what XP has been up to every time she knows some news. So I'm not desperate to make more links with her than seeing DS every 2-3 weeks as she is now.

I will try Gingerbread. I'm not sure how cards and photos will work ATM, as DS is not yet 3, and the brother is only 9 months old. DS would probably be happy to send/recieve cards, but the brother won't care. But maybe setting this up for the future could be a good move.

QueenofWhatever Mon 15-Aug-11 12:53:52

Another avoid, avoid, avoid. Now Bertie, I know you're a sensible woman but stop trying to help everyone! Also I think you aren't finished yet with dealing with what happened to you. When I left my abusive STBX I was able to pay for therapy whic I think is what is really needed in these situations. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and the intrusive thoughts, ruminating and just wanting to talk about it all the time are recognised symptoms. Also from other threads, I think yo could benefit from examining your own childhood and what led you into the relationship with your ex.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? That could be useful. Also contact your local Woman's Aid as there are still some therapist and consellors who will work with people who genuinely can't afford it.

Having said all that, I would still be hugely tempted to meet up for a one-off cathartic slagathon.

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