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Can't tell if I'm being grossly unfair or not.

(12 Posts)
Mrspusskins Sun 14-Aug-11 17:03:02

Have name changed for this post. Sorry if this seems trivial. It is compared to other people's problems on here but it's really bothering me and I could do with some opinions.

I dont know if I'm being unfair. Currently pregnant (and have a toddler) and so pretty much stuck in most of the time, can't have a drink, feel huge and unattractive etc.

DP is a musician and plays a resident gig at a bar every other week. We need the money, he loves playing (works in an office during week which he tolerates but doesn't enjoy) so I dont really begrudge him it and in fact I am glad he gets to do what he loves. I want him to be happy. But I'm finding it hard being stuck at home whilst he's out socialising and having a great time every fortnight.

Firstly I've discovered (I asked him outright, he's never lied) that he's been having a bit of a smoke of a joint every time he plays. Nothing much, just sharing a spliff with a couple of mates outside. He says he enjoys it, it helps him relax into playing etc. We both used to smoke (heavily) years ago but gave up together. He doesnt smoke at any other time and his attitude about it is that it's no big deal. I feel that him smoking even just a little on a fortnightly basis is too regular and I'm not happy about it, in some ways I'm more unhappy about the tobacco aspect. I know he's not going to start buying cannabis but I do worry about the addictive nature of nicotine to a previous smoker. Anyway we had a huge row about this after he came home after his last gig and I said that I could handle him having a smoke now and again but fortnightly was too frequent and I wanted him to not participate every fortnight. He thought that was too difficult to apply and that he thought I was being over the top and it was just no big deal. We reached a vague compromise that sometimes he wouldnt participate purely to keep me happy (not because he didnt want to). Anyway it's time for his gig again and I asked him before he went if he was going to smoke tonight. He said he didnt know for sure but that he probably will as there were a lot of people going and he expected it to be a good night. I now feel really angry again and resent the fact that he is going to be doing something he knows I'm not happy about. It's also hard for me as he has people going down to see him from work, including some girl he works with who is always commenting on his facebook and who he describes as a 'good mate' . I trust him and know that he wouldnt cheat on me and I'm not worried about that, it just bothers me to think of him having a great time, smoking and drinking in the company of his mates whilst I'm stuck at home on my own pregnant and worrying.

Am I overreacting here? Am I just jealous because I'm stuck in and feel my life is on hold? I think I probably am but I could use some perpective. I'm not bothered about the legality aspect of cannabis at all, I'm bothered about the frequency and the fact that he doesnt seem willing to reduce it because he thinks it's no big deal. I wish it didnt upset me so much sad

babyhammock Sun 14-Aug-11 17:13:27

Have to say I wouldn't like it either.. Its an extra worry (slippery slope to more) that you just don't need right now x

TheFlyingOnion Sun 14-Aug-11 18:01:07

I think you're overreacting, and if you nag him every time he goes to this gig he's just going to get stroppy and be even more likely to participate.

You've let him know you don't like it, now let him be an adult and make his own choices... In the meantime can you do something nice for yourself on these nights so that you don't feel he's having all the fun? Maybe invite a friend over for a take away or something?

hairylights Sun 14-Aug-11 18:24:57

I think you are really over-reacting. Firstly, he's bringing in extra money, secondly he gets to socialise once a fortnight. He's an adult and the smoking is very mild. You can't control another human being in this way!

FabbyChic Sun 14-Aug-11 18:29:45

Why can't you go with him?

With regards the smoking every two weeks is not addictive.

Give the guy a break, just because you are pregnant and at home does not mean his life ends. He earns extra cash gets out of the house and has some him time.

You can do things to if you chose to, however you just choose to sit at home feeling sorry for yourself, that is no way to live taking out your resentment on him.

deste Sun 14-Aug-11 18:35:26

I think you need to relax bit. If he was out every night I would think you had a case but it's Twice a month and he is actually working. Give him a break, perhaps he might agree to cut down when the baby arrives.

Mrspusskins Sun 14-Aug-11 18:45:25

Thanks for the replies, even the unsympathetic ones.

I can't go with him because I have to look after our toddler. The only childcare we have are his parents and they look after her a lot through the week whilst we work so I couldnt ask them to have her on a Sunday night too, especially as they would need to take her overnight. I dont have any family at all here, I dont live near the place I grew up. Also, sitting in a pub, heavily pregnant, drinking soda water whilst everyone else is getting drunk doesn't hugely appeal to me. I dont think that's me feeling sorry for myself, I think many women in my situation would feel the same.

I agree that I'm probably overreacting. It's not born out of a desire to control his every move, just a worry that a pattern will develop that will be hard to break. As I said we smoked years ago and gave up together. I suppose in some ways I felt that was a special thing we did together (when we were both really addicted) and so it feels that him smoking now kind of de-values that achievement.

As I said, I wish I didnt feel this way and could take it in my stride but it's hard. Perhaps I am feeling sorry for myself, I spend far too much time alone. Most of my friends have young kids and I doubt they'd be keen to come over on a Sunday evening to keep me company.

anothermum92 Sun 14-Aug-11 22:51:22

Message withdrawn

squeakytoy Sun 14-Aug-11 23:09:33

I am afraid I think you are over-reacting too. A bit of a spliff, once a fortnight, is not an addiction. I am fairly anti-drugs, but even I would say that is very very mild recreational use and it is a bit too controlling to say "yes you can have it, but ONLY when I say so, and not at any other time", which is effectively the rules you are laying down there.

I also think, if he is in a band, which relies on people going to see them, to make them money, then you have to accept he is going to be a sociable person, and will be friends with people and encourage them to go and watch the band.. it is part and parcel of the business to drum up fans!

Is there a reason why you cant go? can you get a babysitter for a couple of hours so that you can go even just for a short time?

I can understand why you are feeling resentful, you see him having all the fun, while you have more restrictions, but it doesnt sound like he is being unfair to you, or doing anything wrong.

HipHopOpotomus Sun 14-Aug-11 23:22:37

I think you are over reacting. Once a fortnight isn't alot or likely to cause a habit. Let him enjoy this and trust him to handle himself on these nights out. Sounds like a nice evening.

Maybe it wld help to plan something nice for you to do on these nights? Bath, nice music or get a friend over for film and facepack? Will give you something else to focus on.

Mrspusskins Sun 14-Aug-11 23:55:51

Yes it's true he isn't being unfair to me. He's honest with me and says he won't lie to me about it and I do trust him. The woman at work he says is a good mate, says she a really nice person and is really friendly with everyone so her constant comments (all end with a x) on his facebook are nothing at all to worry about.

Urgh I'm just insecure and yes probably worried a bit about drifting apart. Like he's got this whole fun aspect to his life that I'm not a part of. And I have seen lots of people who've quit smoking become 'social smokers' where it becomes an absolute pattern that every time they go out they smoke more and more which is what I'm worried about, the habit forming. That's why I was arguing that he should have a more 'take it or leave it' attitude where some weeks he didn't smoke anything, which I could handle, but you are right, I can't police that. It's up to him.
I'll need to find a way of dealing with it so I don't feel upset every fortnight.

Littlefish Mon 15-Aug-11 00:08:34

I think you need to explore a way of finding other babysitters so that you and your dp can go out together occasionally. I think you are over reacting about some of this, but I can understand why.

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