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H has been fucking someone else.

(63 Posts)
phonemonkey Sun 14-Aug-11 11:23:37

H told me last night that he's been fucking someone he works with, who also has children at the same school as ours so I'm friends with her too. They've been good friends for a while and I've been naively saying - "Oh that's okay, I trust him, men and women can be friends without sex getting in the way" I am an idiot.

He says it's all over now and he's deleted her number. She's been having some problems with her husband and he says he finished it to give her some space to decide what to do about her marriage.

What about our fucking marriage?

We've been together 16 years and married for 12. I thought we were happy. He keeps saying he's sorry and that he's been an fool and he only wants me and he regrets doing it because of how much he's hurt me. I can barely bring myself to look at him and feel like he's cut my heart out with a spoon.

RabbitPie Sun 14-Aug-11 11:33:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hassled Sun 14-Aug-11 11:38:24

He needs to move out while you decide what you want to do. And that could take a good long time - is there somewhere obvious he could go (a parent?)?

And then - take your time. Many people do get through things like this with a stronger marriage; other people can never manage to get past the trust thing. In my case, with my first H, I could forgive but could never forget, and that was the killer. But it will be a long while before you know how you feel and he needs to respect that - have you much RL support? Anyone who could take the kids for today?

GodKeepsGiving Sun 14-Aug-11 11:42:11

Oh God, I am so sorry. Is there anyone you can be with, perhaps your mother or sister? I ask because I have recently been through a dreadful betrayal too and you need some support - not just from here. Please take some time out for yourself, you have had a massive shock. By the way, you are categorically not an idiot, you trusted your husband. FWIW, if he is telling you this because he's giving her space to consider her marriage, his telling you that he's sorry and only wants you doesn't quite ring true. Loads of hugs and prayers.

want2sleep Sun 14-Aug-11 11:49:16

gut feeling like others here sorrysad he gave her space...what about your marriage as you say.

Agree with Hassled ask him to leave you need space may you can leave and go away for a few days with mum or friend etc to talk it through...give it time to sink in before you decide your next move as in shock!
Try and be with some one today you can talk to. Let him have the kids and stew.

How long was it going on?

GabrieleJ Sun 14-Aug-11 12:04:19

I'm really sorry that sounds awful.

I aree with everyone, take some time for yourself. He can have the kids and you go to your friend or family who ever you can talk to.

He needs to move out at least temporarily so you can work out what to do next. You need to think without him being tere. I don't blame you for not being able to look at him I couldn't either...

I'm so so sorry, hope you find some time to think and talk to someone...

xx

FabbyChic Sun 14-Aug-11 12:15:39

Im sorry this has happened to you, but to be honest I would'nt accept it, it appears that he ended it not because of any guilt or because of his loyalty to you but because her marriage had problems, had they not it would have continued.

He slept with someone you both know, he lied to you he was no doubt sleeping with you too.

I could not be with someone that had done that to me.

I would tell her husband too what has been going on.

pippitysqueakity Sun 14-Aug-11 12:19:27

sad for you. Take your time to decide what YOU want.

StealthPolarBear Sun 14-Aug-11 12:19:55

I agree with everyone else. End it. Does he have reason to think you will just accept whatever he flings at you? Has he done this sort of thing before? End it and let him panic about his own marriage for a change. Further down the line if he begs forgiveness, maybe you can decide what you want to do then.
How did you find out? Did he tell you? If so, what was his point - was it I have messed up and need forgiveness? TBH it sounds like he was imparting this information to you confused

GodKeepsGiving Sun 14-Aug-11 12:23:38

Oh God, I am so sorry. Is there anyone you can be with, perhaps your mother or sister? I ask because I have recently been through a dreadful betrayal too and you need some support - not just from here. Please take some time out for yourself, you have had a massive shock. By the way, you are categorically not an idiot, you trusted your husband. FWIW, if he is telling you this because he's giving her space to consider her marriage, his telling you that he's sorry and only wants you doesn't quite ring true. Loads of hugs and prayers.

GodKeepsGiving Sun 14-Aug-11 12:25:08

Sorry - I double posted by mistake.

I'm so sorry. Regardless of what everyone else thinks, what do you think? What do you want to do? Do you need some space? Now is the time to put your feelings first. Decide what you need right now, and make sure it happens. Try not to think too far ahead, just deal with each moment and emotion as it comes. You must be in shock. Don't even try and work out what is going on in his head, you are what matters now. If you need space, get it. If you need to ask questions, make damn sure he answers them. Just try and think before you act. Do you want to know the details? Does it matter? You might want to confront the OW, but in reality what will it achieve? Protect yourself now. You don't owe your H anything at this moment x

StealthPolarBear Sun 14-Aug-11 12:30:43

yes, good advice Chickens, you're the one in the situation, so you need to do what suits you.
GKG - sorry to hear that

evenlessnarkypuffin Sun 14-Aug-11 12:31:14

'he says he finished it to give her some space to decide what to do about her marriage.'

shock Seriously??? He says he's sorry and wants forgiveness but he finished it because she was indecisive???

StealthPolarBear Sun 14-Aug-11 12:33:30

good point, think you need to find out what he will do if she decides to end her marriage

Xales Sun 14-Aug-11 12:38:21

I agree with everyone else.

First off I am so sorry you are going through this sad

OW is trying to 'sort things out with her H' so your H is being honest with you because he wants to keep you as a second chance if OW and her H do stay together.

If OW's H hadn't find out they would still be fucking, like rabbits, whenever they could, with absolutely no cares about you in the slightest.

Can you ask him to move out temporarily while you work out what you want, whether that takes 3 weeks or 3 months?

I cannot see if you decide to stay with him and try to work things out how you can trust him working in the same place as OW, so I personally would say he has to look for another job as soon as possible. He needs to agree to counselling and total honesty and transparency from the pair of you to find out what was missing in your marriage and why he thought he had the right to lie and cheat on you. Only then would you know if you can rebuild your relationship if you want to.

Get yourself to a solicitor or CAB and find out where you stand financially and legally if you decide it is over and want a divorce. Knowledge is power and he will not be able to threaten you with nasty scenarios if you know the actuals if the worse comes to the worse.

Personally from the way you have written your OP I think he is only sorry he has got caught and he probably only told you before her husband or someone from the school did.

Please if you have been having sex with him yourself go to a STI clinic and get yourself fully checked over.

Good luck with what ever you decide to do. Take your time and make the right decision for you and your children. There are lots of women on here who have experience who can hold your hand.

Countingwiththecount Sun 14-Aug-11 12:58:03

I am so sorry, phonemonkey.

I think his motivations for telling you about his affair are very important. Do you think he was afraid you'd hear about it from someone else or was it a guilty conscience? I'm sorry to sound so harsh but to be honest it sounds like he's waiting to see if she'll leave her husband. confused

I like everyone else's idea RE moving out. I know it is very sad to consider at this stage but if you do decide to go down the divorce road, getting him out of your home is only going to put you in a stronger position later on in family court.

What is your gut reaction to all this?

Mouseface Sun 14-Aug-11 13:02:35

Sorry to read this.

What do YOU want? What does HE want? What happens next?

Does he think that he can he just drop that into your lives and then carry on as if he'd forgotten to pick up milk on his way home?

You need time alone. He needs to let you go through all of this, one step at a time. YOU need to stop and breathe.

Start by deciding what you want to happen today. Worry about tomorrow in the morning.

Has he told the children anything? It's up to him to do that if you decide to separate or end the marriage.

How has he justified his actions? I assume he has some 'excuse'?

Mouseface Sun 14-Aug-11 13:07:22

I also agree that he was more worried about being caught out than what he was actually doing.

Nice.

Can you talk to a close friend not connected to the school? Someone you can confide in and lean on in RL for some support?

Anifrangapani Sun 14-Aug-11 13:08:05

I could have written your post a few years ago. So first up it is survivable.

You need to do what is right for you. For me it was to keep my dignity intact, so I didn't have a shouty confrontation at the school gate, tell my parents, or friends. I am really glad that I didn't - because we have ultimately remained together. It may not be for you, but I urge you to think about the long term consequences of any decisions you make now.

I suspect that her husband has found out, because your husband confessed out of the blue. The husband of my "friend" found it cathartic to ring me to shout at me for a while, as if it was my fault (odd logic I know). The charmer also told pretty much everyone in the village - I know why she wanted out, I just wish she hadn't chosen the try before you buy route.

As for your husband, ask the questions you want answers to. Sounds obvious I know, but it is really easy to get into an entrenched position because you are understandably angry an upset. So if you want to know what he would have done / do if she leaves her husband ask him exactly that. If you want to know if there were things in your marriage that he thinks need fixing ask. If it is important that you know where he is going or who he is texting or ringing - ask. I was really up front and told my husband that unless he was open then he could leave as I would assume that he was seeing her.

We have got through it. It hasn't been easy, but things are much better between us than before it happpened. Although I wouldn't recommend it as a way to improve your marriage. Communication was the key - and it has to be two way.

Good luck xxxx

phonemonkey Sun 14-Aug-11 13:24:42

He told me last night. We've just come back from a week away. He says that he told me because I deserved to know the truth. I told him that I deserved for him not to do it in the first place and that he was only telling me because OW told her H two days ago and they live two streets away from us and he was obviously scared OW'H would tell me first.

I asked him if she was considering leaving her husband for him and he said no because he didn't want to leave me for her.

I think he thinks that everything will go on as normal. That I will be pleased that he's decided that he never wants to be with anyone else again and that he really loves me.

I don't know what I want. Up to 11pm yesterday, I thought I had a good, solid marriage. I was really happy and still totally smitten by him even after all these years. He's a great father and the children adore him. I don't know if I want him to move out, I just want to protect them from knowing that anything is wrong.

I don't think I want to tell my mum or my siblings at the moment. They all love him to bits and, should I decide to move on, wouldn't want that in their minds over christmas lunch.

I called a friend earlier and told her and we're going out this evening when she gets back from work. Until then, I'm just going to work on trying not to cry in front of the children.

Sorry not to address you each personally but I really do appreciate your time and advice.

Lifeissweet Sun 14-Aug-11 13:34:19

Wow, Phonemonkey. I am so sorry that you are going through this. You sound so calm and you are putting your children firmly first, which is admirable. I think I would be raging mad, so well done for holding it together so well.

If you are right and he expects you to be pleased that he's come back to you, then he doesn't understand what damage he's done and I think that alone is pretty unforgivable.

I am glad you have someone in RL to talk to. I am sure she will be angry on your behalf too. What a horrible betrayal - particularly as you trusted him so completely.

I know you probably don't want to think about this, so sorry if it's painful, but i would want to know what lies he was telling you on a day-to-day basis in order to conduct this affair. Where did he tell you he was? You are braver than me if you can forgive bare-faced lying and trust him again.

Thinking of you and your family. I really hope you can find a way through this.

Anifrangapani Sun 14-Aug-11 13:35:09

I don't think I want to tell my mum or my siblings at the moment. They all love him to bits and, should I decide to move on, wouldn't want that in their minds over christmas lunch. - that was my rationale too.

We got my parents to look after the kids for the weekend - without telling them why and spent it at home talking through our options and what the consequences would be. Although this was a few weeks in, once the initial shock had worn off. It didn't take the feeling of betrayal or hurt away, but it gave us a plan that we were both committed to - and it did mean big changes for both of us.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 14-Aug-11 13:35:27

So sorry, I know how you must be feeling - my H shagged our friend and he stopped when he got found out.

I understand why you chose not to tell your family - I didn't but told a few close girlfriends and they have been fantastic.

Do get Shirley Glass'[s Not Just Friends - I found it very helpful, she has a website.

You need to detach yourself from H until you have made your mind up - it took me weeks before I decided to give it another go. You need to be in control and tell him that you need space and time and he has to do everything he can to help you recover if he is to have the possibility of a 2nd chance.

Be kind to yourself - make him do all the chores while you take time out, lots of little treats (haircut, beauty treatments, coffee in town with a friend etc) may help boost your esteem.

Doha Sun 14-Aug-11 13:39:16

He told you becuase he HAD to before you heard from the OW's DH.
I am sorry OP but it sounds as if the OW doesn't want him so he will just stick with you.
He has no shame you are second best and l bet if the OW and her DH do split he will be off like a shot. What a great father he is but he can be a great father living elsewhere because he is a rotton husband. He does not deserve to stay living with you at present.
I am glad you have RL support, you will need it.
What is your DH saying/doing today.
Personally l would not like him within 100 miles of me until l get my head round all the information and work out what I wnat and the DC's.
The trust and wonderful marriage which you believed existed is gone and will never be he same again

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