Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How would you feel if you were in this lass's shoes?

(17 Posts)
mrsnesbit Sun 14-Aug-11 11:06:01

Out last night with friend and his new partner.
He was widowed in feb this year, we were very good friends with him and his wife, had been for about 15 years. I miss her terribly.

None the less, he has accidentally met this lassy and she is lovely, she is great with his children and he is obviously very happy.
I get on very well with her.
Inevitably, the conversation came round to his wife and things of the past, and his children. I found myself getting a bit tearful at times talking about her and her children.

I was VERY concious of the new lass's feelings and what she must have felt hearing all of this. She was quiet at times.
She did not make me feel uncomfortable about talking about our friend, but i hate to think that i made her feel uncomfortable by talking about her.

Cant see the woods here for the trees as i feel i am still grieving for my lovely friend.

Should i just avoid all talk of my friend to save her feelings? whats the best way to go, as i think that this lassy is in it for the long run.

MrsHicks Sun 14-Aug-11 11:20:03

You poor thing sad You sound really lovely though to be sensitive to her and to be thinking about this.

Could you speak to her, give her a call or drop her a FB message just to let her know that you are conscious of it. Or speak to your friend?

SJisontheway Sun 14-Aug-11 11:30:23

I think she has to learn to deal with this sort of thing. But if you would like to help her feel mote secure you could comment on how happy they seem together or how pleased you are that your friend has met her?

Malificence Sun 14-Aug-11 12:04:40

His wife only died in February and he's embarking on a new relationship already? shock

LynetteScavo Sun 14-Aug-11 12:08:41

Surely the DC must talk about their mum, though.

I would drop her a line, to say sorry if you made her feel awkward, but you are still grieving. Say something nice, too, like you are pleased your friend has found such a lovely new partner.

Ormirian Sun 14-Aug-11 12:10:23

It's not up to you to avoid the subject. She had to accept that this is a subject that will come up again and again or it will be the elephant in the room. Getting together with such a newly-widowed man is never going to be plain sailing. And you were the wife's good close friend - your sorrow is as valid as her feelings.

Bonsoir Sun 14-Aug-11 12:11:02

Malificence - my FIL got in the car after MIL's funeral in February and said "My heart is ready for the taking." And three days later he was at dinner at our house and told us he had a date the following night.

I cannot begin to tell you about his relationship status since then!

wannabefree Sun 14-Aug-11 12:11:31

Yeah, six months does seem very soon. I've been separated from my husband for a year, and its only now that I've felt able to even think about seeing somebody else.

But I suppose everybody is different, so I'm not judging, just surprised.

mrsnesbit Sun 14-Aug-11 12:14:03

well there is significant background to this, but yes he met her via blind date set up by a family member. This is VERY out of character for him, something that just isnt him, but he thought "sod it, its only a coffee".
3 hours later, they were still chatting and got on really well!

My friend had been an alcoholic for 4 years when she died. They were seperated, but she lived in the house with him as she had no where to go (family had given up on her) and he loved her completely. (childhood sweethearts) he couldnt bear to think of her alone, so he put up with an awful lot for a few years. He found her dead,she was 38.

Devastated doesnt even come close to how he was affected. But with thier kids, he had to get on with things.

Probably, the marriage had been over when she became a full blown, out of control alcoholic. He has never said.
My friend, prior to this was just lovely, a gorgeous and lovely person whom i adored. As an alcoholic, she was not herself any longer.

LeonardNimoy Sun 14-Aug-11 12:16:44

I think statistically men that are widowed move into new reltionships/marriage much, much quicker than women. Personally I think some men, having been married, can't cope with then being on their own. I don't think it's a reflection on their feelings for theor deceased spouse/partner

Bonsoir Sun 14-Aug-11 12:21:38

He was probably very lonely by the time his wife died and he has every right to pursue a new relationship. It would be kind, too, not to talk about his first wife when he is out and about with a potential new life partner.

SJisontheway Sun 14-Aug-11 12:21:50

Your friend has had a tough time and sounds like he deserves a bit of happiness. You sound kind and thoughtful. I'm sure that comes across to his new partner. Just make sure she is not under the impression that you disapprove.

noir Sun 14-Aug-11 12:23:10

I would expect that if she has chosen to embark on a relationship with a recently widowed man she will have made peace with the fact that his deceased wife will be a big part of their relationship.

mrsnesbit Sun 14-Aug-11 12:23:21

I did say to her that i understand just how difficult this mut be for her as all of his friends were all friends of him & his wife, therefore she has to penetrate that and be accepted as his new partner.

She admitted that it has been difficult. bless her. She has met my friends family, they have all been lovely with her, she has a great relationship with his children.
We ate in a restraunt that we went to as a foursome for years, we drank in their local didnt feel right doing that some how.

I did tell dh that i would rather go to somewhere new, but we just ended up there.

SJisontheway Sun 14-Aug-11 12:24:38

Whatever the circumstances your find is very recently widowed. I don't think his new partner can expect people to pretend she never existed

AnyFucker Sun 14-Aug-11 14:03:47

I say good luck to him

However, if this "lassy" is happy to take on a recently-widowed man and socialise with his friends who were very fond of his wife, then she has to accept the subject will come up

it's up to her how she deals with it, you should carry on doing what you need to do

AnyFucker Sun 14-Aug-11 14:07:24

My husbands BF was killed tragically.

His wife is my best mate. When she met someone new, the subject of the bloke who died was discussed openly and many tears shed (especially after a few wines etc)

I didn't actually give a thought to her new partner. His choice to stick around.

I know he found it uncomfortable as she also still had photos of her dead husband in the house etc, but you cannot erase a person just to make a new partner feel better.

We had our grieving to do, and he was incidental, tbqh.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: