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My 9 yr old daughter and partner can't get on. Why??

(12 Posts)
ticktock82 Sun 14-Aug-11 02:09:06

Well here goes, I have a 9 yr old from a previous relationship that ended 9 yr's ago, after that I had another partner who I was with for 6 yr's, he raised my daughter as his own even thou she stil had some contact with her father, she has always had contact with him thru his family. I have never and would never stop them having a relationship( although sometimes I wish I could)
My ex partner of 6 yr's decided 1 day that he could no longer play happy families and up and left us.... I was heartbroken and to say i went off the rails would be an understatement, this left just me and my daughter, who became my bf, she didnt leave my side and started sleeping in my bed.... This was 3 yr's ago...
I since then have been in a new relationship with someone I've known allmy life, we now have a daughter together and he has another daughter from another relationship.
He is a fantastic father, his children are his everything! Except my 9 yr old....
She can have a bad attitude and be stroppy and rude but aren't most kids? He takes it personal and builds resentment, I know I have made excuses gor her, I feel Mayb she is jealous of how good a dad he is to his children, I have tried speaking to them both but seem to get nowhere!
I can't leave them alone without feeling anxious, there is always a drama when I return.
He insists she needs more discipline ( not smacking) she insists he is teasing her "winds her up"
Is my daughter just being a Spoilt brat?
Is my partnerbullying my daughter?
Can anyone share anything with me?
Thank you.

kayah Sun 14-Aug-11 02:15:41

not all 9 year olds are rude and stroppy.

I think she probably was forced to grow up too soon.
Obviously it is too late now but making your 6 yo dd your best friend wasn't good idea.

I would think she may need some councelling to help her to grips who she s and what are roles of members of family in your scenario.

ticktock82 Sun 14-Aug-11 02:21:16

Yes i totally agree but it was a sad time for us both and I clung on to her thinking at the time it was protecting her...I know know diff.

I have thought about councelling sessions for all of us, but some people made me feel bad about putting a child thru that. I'm glad some1 else has suggested it. Thanks

SaffronCake Sun 14-Aug-11 02:31:47

Look at it from her point of view. She had a great relationship with her mum, all she and mummy needed were each other, they were so close they even snuggled up together to sleep. Then along comes this new man, he already has kids so it's not even just one more person she has to share parents with now, it's that other girl too. Oh and to make matters worse he treats her like she's second class, teasing her and discipling her and then really rubs it in by being nice to his own offspring. As if all that wasn't bad enough, mum and him had another baby.

I bet she's going round feeling totally, utterly rejected.

I went through a similar situation with my partner and daughtr (who was 8-9 at the time) and when I changed my point of view to look first at his side, then hers, I was quite unhappy with what I saw. He was seeign her as some sort of competition for him and failing to see a vulnerable little girl.

I had to tell him (as gently as possible because it's a hard message) that my daughter is a little girl and he's an adult. If he can not treat her as well as he would treat his own then he is effectively making her second class. I told him it would thoroughly break my heart to leave him, probably for a long long time, but that I have a duty to her as her mother that can not be changed by anyone, no matter how in love I am. I have to be her mother first. What I was seeing wasn't good enough and while i appretiated he didn't love her like I love her, if he couldn't learn to, starting from right now, I would have absolutely no choice. He has needed a couple more reminders since we had a baby together ourselves, but he hears it and he makes a huge effort not to view her through a negative filter now. It's made all the difference.

kayah Sun 14-Aug-11 02:45:56

I think there are councellors specialising in kids therapy.

I am sure I come across one who was doing it through art and I thought - wow, that wouldn't be threatening to any child.

Your new partner is her third grown up man in her short life.

I also like what SaffronCake said about her situation, first hand experience and makes sense too.

your daughter is a little girl still and needs to be treated as such, I thing spoiled brat kind of behaviour is a sign of parents being indecisive and lack of boundaries too - I think maybe your partner behaves like one sometimes smile

I am not saying he should be giving in, but as SC said - he must see her as a little girl she is - not someone with whom he argues as if she was a grown up.

ticktock82 Sun 14-Aug-11 06:59:16

Thank you so much, what u have both said is exactly how I feel.
I do need to make boundaries but not just for her but also for him.

Today is a new day!!! Xxx

MsGee Sun 14-Aug-11 07:18:52

Relate do family counselling for this sort of situation.

exoticfruits Sun 14-Aug-11 07:49:48

From your point of view it has all ended well, but not from hers. You made her into 'best friend' when she was very young, never leaving your side and sleeping with you-this was far too much- you were parent not best friend. She has seen two relationships go sour and probably knows far too much about it, if you have been using her as confindante.
Suddenly she is displaced by someone else and new siblings-and the someone else probably loves his own 2 DCs and not her. It isn't surprising that she is difficult-and this makes her relationship with the new partner even more difficult.
Has she had chance to build up her relationship with DP without you being there? Does he take her out on her own, spend time with her on his own?
He is the adult and he is the one who needs to see that from her point of view- she is a second class citizen. He can't have a situation where his own DCs are 'everything' and he would be quite happy if he didn't have to live with your DD. She will sense all this. Does he realise that he has 3 equal DCs?
I agree with SaffronCake and would put DD first-either he realises that he has 3 DCs and that one can't live in a house without the love her siblings get or I would leave.
Perhaps family counselling would help.

MrsHicks Sun 14-Aug-11 08:01:14

saffroncake you are awesome for this "^I had to tell him (as gently as possible because it's a hard message) that my daughter is a little girl and he's an adult. If he can not treat her as well as he would treat his own then he is effectively making her second class. I told him it would thoroughly break my heart to leave him, probably for a long long time, but that I have a duty to her as her mother that can not be changed by anyone, no matter how in love I am.^"

OP, I was in a similar situation to your daughter in that my mother got together and married a man when I was about 9 and 'we' never 'got on'. The fact that you say your partner 'teases' your daughter is a big red flag to me actually. My step-father used to 'tease' me too, but it was actually abusive (not saying your situation is) and the whole thing had a terrible effect on my life. My mother used to tell me that she was 'caught in the middle' of us 'not getting on' when I was a powerless child and absolutely was being treated like a second class citizen in my own home, while my mother allowed it to happen and treated the whole thing like it was we were equally to blame for 'not getting on'. What kind of teasing is it?

Migsy1 Sun 14-Aug-11 08:17:28

Your partner needs to stop teasing your daughter. It sounds like they do not like each other. You cannot expose your daughter to this unhappy situation. I have been in a similar situation myself, but thankfully, I did not have a child with the man. I am so glad, for my son's sake, that I am no longer with him. Your partner must have known your daughter before you got together and if he cannot get on with her, then you should not be together.

I'm not saying that you should not try to work it out first, but your daughter is clearly unhappy and has not chosen this situation for herself.

BelleDameSansMerci Sun 14-Aug-11 08:17:46

MrsHicks sad

exoticfruits Sun 14-Aug-11 08:18:20

Once you have DCs they come first-the parent shouldn't be stuck in the middle, they should make sure the partner acts like the adult.

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