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Have I let my daughter fill too much of my emotional space?

(19 Posts)
theunfeasiblescotsman Sat 13-Aug-11 22:44:56

I'm very much regretting the split up of me and someone who I had hoped would be a long term relationship. I'm trying to make sense of why the relationship failed - I blame myself, she says we just weren't right for each other and I shouldn't blame myself.

I'm not sure if I have let my daughter from my previous relationship fill too much of my emotional space - after all, she stays with me half the time, and for a few years, its been just me and her for a lot of that time, school nights and good fraction of weekends, and - happily - I'm lucky that I have a very good relationship with her - she has had to put up with her mother's post-me relationships - and her company has been important to me.

I need to make some sense of why my new relationship failed - cause I'm wondering if it was because my daughter has grown to fill so much of my emotional space that I can't give enough to adult relationships.

Maybe some info about new ex-relationship might help - I'd known her for a good number of years - ended up in bed with her day after her divorce came through - and ... well I'll add more if anyone thinks it relevant - but to cut a long story short something went wrong and she went off with another bloke [though under the circumstances I don't blame her]

I hope that makes sense - any thoughts or relevant insight would be helpfull. I fear that this is effecting my relationship with my daughter. I also hope that I don't sound like a weirdo, but the failure of my new relationship is really getting me down quite badly at times - also not good for daughter sad

squeakytoy Sat 13-Aug-11 22:47:24

How old is your daughter?

FabbyChic Sat 13-Aug-11 22:49:57

Have you not considered the fault was not with you but with her?

Why are you trying to shoulder the blame? People in relationships talk if something is wrong, and there is never an excuse for cheating.

You should have a good relationship with your daughter and that has to take precedence over any relationship with a woman it always does.

I think you are being too harsh on yourself here.

RabbitPie Sat 13-Aug-11 22:55:58

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WibblyBibble Sat 13-Aug-11 22:56:18

Er, I don't think there's enough detail to make any kind of guess as to why your more recent relationship failed, but you are absolutely not 'letting your daughter fill too much of your emotional space'- your daughter was there first, she is your daughter, and your first duty will be to her until she is grown up. Anyone who can't deal with that should not be having a relationship with a father. You are absolutely admirable for being close to and working on your relationship with your daughter, and any good partner will see that and think better of you for it. Maybe your new partner was just immature or not really capable of a relationship with a father?

RabbitPie Sat 13-Aug-11 23:01:52

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theunfeasiblescotsman Sat 13-Aug-11 23:05:08

thanks for replies.

daughter is early teens now.

yes - you are right, my daughter should come first - however, I'd been single for a while before this relationship which, although it started unexpectadly and we didn't know where it was going, it seemed to be working - and getting better - though maybe we never got close enough to talk until after it failed !!! sad I'm not sure that she cheated as such - she felt I'd gone off her [yes, she should have talked about that - but she was post divorce]) And now I've lost someone who I'd hoped for something good with

RabbitPie Sat 13-Aug-11 23:14:09

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FabbyChic Sat 13-Aug-11 23:14:43

You will meet someone else. Maybe she was not in the right place for a relationship, some women don't like sharing, and any woman you end up with will have to share you.

theunfeasiblescotsman Sat 13-Aug-11 23:24:17

Not sure Rabbitpie - I'd arranged to go over to her house the day after her divorce came though - maybe I was stupid, but I had aspirations, and a few glasses of wine later ...

But we seemed to work - she knew my daughter came first - but things very quickly went from being kinda good to being terminal.

WibblyBibble - I know there is not enough detail - wasn't going to write an essay - but maybe I should

Yes you are right - daughter is number 1 - however daughter needs happy dad

differentnameforthis Sat 13-Aug-11 23:43:31

I think you answer your own question here...you say the relationship started a day after her divorce. Maybe she was rebounding & has realised that she doesn't want a long term thing right now.

theunfeasiblescotsman Sat 13-Aug-11 23:59:29

Rabbitpie - we didn't talk you are right.

There is a complex timeline of small things that happened, over about 4 weeks, but bottom line is, she assumed I'd gone off her and then when she met another bloke [not quite sure by what she meant by "met"] it made her wonder what she felt about me - and she pulled the plug.

So maybe that actually says something about what I felt about her? And this is why I wonder if I didn't give enough cause my daughter was more important - and I know that sounds daft - she should be more important, but to the point that it gets in the way of me having a relationship? If I can't manage that balance then I'm doomed - or am I just talking crap

theunfeasiblescotsman Sun 14-Aug-11 00:03:13

disagree dgnft - new bloke has lasted longer than we did - I was sad that we'd split up at the time, and we talked about it after the event a bit but seeing them together at a party dragged up a lot of unanswered questions and saddness

OTheHugeManatee Sun 14-Aug-11 00:06:13

Sorry but you sound like a rebound relationship for this woman. it just doesn't sound like she was that into you.Your love for your daughter would not have been an obstacle (or anything else) otherwise.

Sorry if you're disappointed and fair enough if you're hurt, but please don't let it colour how you are with your daughter.

theunfeasiblescotsman Sun 14-Aug-11 00:07:51

Fabbychic - wish I could believe that I will meet someone else - not sure where they will come from - it was a long time before exP happened after daughters mum

theunfeasiblescotsman Sun 14-Aug-11 00:18:01

OTHM and Rabbitpie - maybe you are right - I did ask her bout that when we first got together and she said she;d thought about it and the and her answer was no. But maybe she was fooling her self.

theunfeasiblescotsman Sun 14-Aug-11 00:24:37

... and when I talked bout it [albeit on FB] she said she was sad about how things had gone - of course messages are typed, who knows the real truth behind what they say

SaffronCake Sun 14-Aug-11 02:43:01

Try looking at it from a different slant Scotty, I take this line myself...

If a potential partner isn't able to get thier head round my kids, my lifestyle with my kids, my closeness to my kids or any other really fundamental part of my life-with-kids-in, then they aren't good enough for me.

Oh sure they can be good enough on every other level, but that's bollocks because think of it another way... You mean a woman, she's perfect on every level but one- in this example it's her personal hygeine. Christ is she a minger, it can be almost as if she'd never heard of soap... You'd run a mile. What person in thier right mind wouldn't? Maybe you'd have a go at changing her first (fair enough) but ultimately you'd realise she's not good enough. So why is it different with your kids? Someone not having a compatable understanding of how you should be with your kids is a flaw in their perfectness no? And clearly it's far more fundamental in a serious relationship than simply external issues like soap-deficiency.... So she's not good enough for you is she.

She's gone. If it was over your daughter then resign yourself to it and keep looking. When you meet Miss Right you'll be glad you wasted no more time on the previous Miss Wrongs.

RabbitPie Sun 14-Aug-11 12:23:51

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