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grr- found H's porn stash, am I overreacting?

(78 Posts)
PhishFoodAddiction Sat 13-Aug-11 14:02:29

Was going to name change but decided not to.

I've just been sorting through some of DH's things (he knew I would be doing, I wasn't snooping) and found a stash of porn dvds.

I feel sick.

Ever since I've been with him we have had arguments over porn. He sort of came-of-age using porn as I was his first sexual partner.

We nearly split up when I was pregnant with DD1 as he bought porn and lied to me about what it was- it was the lying to my face that angered and hurt me, not necessarily that it was porn he bought. Up until that point I would have trusted him with my life. I just can't stand being lied to.

I think he has continued using porn but he knows I hate it. I'm not trying to police what he does when alone, I know he may want to masturbate and that's fine but why can't he just use his imagination like I do?

A couple of years ago when DD2 was about 7 months old, after a rough patch, I found out that he registered with an extra marital affairs website. At first he said he hadn't been on it, he must have clicked it by accident, maybe someone had hacked his e-mail hmm he looked me in the eyes and said he loved me too much to ever do that...and I believed him idiot that I am. Of course the next night I snooped on the laptop and found his profile on there...even when I confronted him he swore that he hadn't, when I was looking right at the page!

I gave him another chance, we had very small children, I had no money, it seemed to difficult to leave, but obviously since then I've found it hard to trust him.

At Christmas his workmates apparently got him some porn dvds as a joke present (he's told them I hate it) and he showed me one or two and snapped them and put them in the bin, to show honesty. But now I have just found this stash in his work stuff, some are out of their packets so must have been used but I don't know when. If I confront him, he will lie as he has always done.

What do I do now? I've had enough. sad And for the first time I feel I could be emotionally strong enough to be a single parent, but still in a dire financial situation as I'm a SAHM with no savings and no job.

Am I just overreacting?

Lifeissweet Sat 13-Aug-11 14:06:10

You are not over-reacting. You will have the usual crap about 'men are visual creatures' thrown at you, probably, but he's not an animal and he knows exactly how you feel about it, so it's just disrespectful for him to keep it in our house like this knowing how you feel about it.

I don't have any solutions, but I wanted you to know that you're perfectly justified in being upset.

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Aug-11 14:08:02

OP, think about it. Do workmates actually spend money on their mates and buy them porn? Really?

He is lying to you.

I think if as you say he grew up with this, then there's no chance that he will stop. If you can't cope with this (and with the lies) then you will have to end things now.

Also, if he's now moved on to wanting to meet up with others (either online, on the phone or in person) which it seems as though he has, with the website, then he is taking porn to a different level, one where he wants to speak to/see/meet the participants.

To me, that would be the limit. I could turn a blind eye to the odd magazine or pictures, but not to a meet-up.

Kayano Sat 13-Aug-11 14:08:11

FFs you'd tater be a single mum than deal with some porn

Yabu

Some people can't use their imagination like you can, they need visual stimulation? I think this is crazy Ott reaction btw.

He has probably hidden it for that reason! At least he tried not to Hurt you IMO

PhishFoodAddiction Sat 13-Aug-11 14:09:18

Thank you. I just feel so sad, and worn out. Every single time we get back on an even keel, another 'incident' comes along and makes me wonder if there's any point carrying on.

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Aug-11 14:09:38

Kayano, he's on an extramarital affairs website - do you think that's acceptable?

LaLaLaLayla Sat 13-Aug-11 14:10:52

Kayano, you obviously missed the bit where the OP said he registered with an extramarital affair website? hmm

AuntieMonica Sat 13-Aug-11 14:12:01

I think you need to ask him what they were doing in his bag, and go from there.

Give him the benefit of the doubt to see how the dvds got into his bag. If there is a strong 'porn culture' with his colleagues, he may not feel strong enough to say 'no' when he's offered some to borrow, so just takes them and pretends he's using it? Are you able to tackle him with the agenda of sorting out the cracks in your relationship rather than 'confronting him about porn'?

Unless there are other pointers in your relationship to warrant a break up, I think you reacting to situation that may not be entirely what it seems.

FabbyChic Sat 13-Aug-11 14:12:29

Personally I have no problem with porn my ex husband had about 40 mags under the bed and 20 porn films, I often used to watch them with him.

The thing for me would be on a site looking for something extra that would be the relationship breaker.

Porn really is no big deal. Men have a higher sex drive they need stimulation, my imagination does nothing for me and I'd need porn to wank if I was that way inclined.

PhishFoodAddiction Sat 13-Aug-11 14:12:51

Kayano- it's not so much that it is porn (thought I hate porn) it's more the fact that he keeps lying to me. I admit I could be overreacting, I don't trust my own reactions now.

And yes I'd rather be a single mum that be with a man that I can't trust.

ImperialBlether- I did wonder about that, but tbh his workmates are probably the sort that would! There were no messages or anything on that site, and it was over 2 years ago now, butit's always in the back of my mind that he could be wanting to meet someone.

LaLaLaLayla Sat 13-Aug-11 14:13:43

PhishFoodAddiction, I doubt that this will help, but I'll post it anyway...

My DH had a porn problem and I have never gotten over it. It has been 7 years since I found out, he had been spending up to 5 hours a day looking at porn and I'd had no idea. The hurt has never left me. I doubt it ever will. If you can live with it - fine. If you can't, then maybe you should leave.

AuntieMonica Sat 13-Aug-11 14:13:44

and yes, I read the bit about the extramarital affairs website, but the OP says this was a couple of years ago

PhylisStein Sat 13-Aug-11 14:13:49

How do you know my life story? This is almost identical to my situation - esp. with regard to just recovering from one round of porn related lies in time to weather the next inevitable storm sad

Lifeissweet Sat 13-Aug-11 14:15:13

...and there it is - some people (men)... need visual stimulation. Told you!

I am not that interested in how he gets his rocks off, what worries me is how he is lying to you and treating you like an idiot and then doing exactly what he wants behind your back. That is the issue.

I hate porn anyway and would be upset at my DP using it. He knows I think it's disrespectful and, if he wants to masturbate, I'd rather he didn't use pictures of plastic people or videos of potential abuse to do it. It makes sex cheap and inhuman and I don't want that attitude coming back into our relationship, frankly.

I don't think for a second he's hiding it so as not to hurt you - I think he just knows he's being a scum bag and doesn't want to be caught out.

PhishFoodAddiction Sat 13-Aug-11 14:19:36

Thanks AuntieMonica- he's not home until tonight but I know I need to talk to him. Things have been going well lately, but why lie and tell me he wasn't going to use porn if he was? As I said, I hate it, but if he thinks he 'needs' it then fair dos. Just don't tell me one thing and do another.

Fabby, yes finding out about that website was the worst, and I would have kicked him out but hours of pleading, coupled with 2 very young children made me give him another chance.

I hope I'm not going to get too much of a pasting on here, I'm already feeling a bit fragile coping with depression and family problems.

SaffronCake Sat 13-Aug-11 14:20:39

You're not alone or weird for having issues with porn. It's just not nice stuff. A lot of people disagree, but a lot of people agree too. Anyway this isn't about the rights and wrongs of porn, I'm trying to say it's normal to have a problem with it (plenty do), there is not just one right way to feel.

The affairs website is really something, I am not surprised you're all churned up, practically anyone would be. Compound that with a whole stash of dirrty DVD's that he's become too complacent to even bother to hide then you really do have different values.

If sex for you is all about the love and for him it's all about the view then of course you're going to have strife. I'm not surprised you're upset. Consider taking this to Relate or similar.

confidence Sat 13-Aug-11 14:22:16

Kayano- it's not so much that it is porn (thought I hate porn) it's more the fact that he keeps lying to me.

Of course it's that it's porn. The only reason he's lying to you is that he knows you won't be OK about him watching it.

If what you say here is true then there's a simple solution: Tell him he can look at as much porn as he wants, it's his business and not your problem. Then he'll have no need to lie!

squeakytoy Sat 13-Aug-11 14:22:45

The porn on its own wouldnt bother me. The fact he has set himself up on some website would have been unforgiveable. That is crossing a line, in my view.

PhishFoodAddiction Sat 13-Aug-11 14:23:17

Phylis I'm sorry you're in a similar situation.

lala did you leave your partner or are you still with him? It must have been heartbreaking. My H doesn't have a lot of spare time so not sure when he's doing it tbh.

lifeis yes, I just feel like a mug and he's being disrespectful.I don't like the dishonesty.

LaLaLaLayla Sat 13-Aug-11 14:27:23

lala did you leave your partner or are you still with him? It must have been heartbreaking.

I stayed. But have regretted it ever since. I thought I would "get over it" but never had. This isn't helped by his point blank refusal to talk about it and incessant lies about it.

Lifeissweet Sat 13-Aug-11 14:28:32

Why should people tolerate things that upset them, though, confidence? Men do not need porn. He won't be miserable, he won't die, his balls won't explode, he is an adult human being and can control himself.

and Porn does effect sex in a relationship - it just does. He's likely to want to do things with his partner as a result of getting off on those things on DVDs. I'm willing to bet that those things are degrading and not necessarily for the pleasure of the woman. It is not just his business and it is her problem.

I don't think that disapproving of things makes people lie either. He wouldn't have to lie if he had an ounce of respect or consideration.

PhishFoodAddiction Sat 13-Aug-11 14:31:44

I'm sorry to hear that LaLa, it must be awful not being able to talk about it.

There was talk of counsellors after he joined that site but it never got followed through. I do think it would help us but it's whether I could get him to go.

In fact I think I just sort of blanked out the magnitude of what he'd done and tried to get on with things as usual, as I was really struggling with depression at the time and had 2 under 2s. Maybe the shock of it is only coming out now.

PhishFoodAddiction Sat 13-Aug-11 14:33:20

Thanks Lifeis.

windsorTides Sat 13-Aug-11 14:36:53

Okay first of all let's debunk some myths.

Men do not have a higher sex drive than women.
Men are not as an entire gender, "visual creatures" who have no imagination.
You do not have to put up with any of this and being a single parent or being single at all, is infinitely preferable to living with a liar.

It is also a myth that all men use porn (because that's bound to have been posted as I write, or will later) and there is lots of evidence that secret porn use leads to infidelity, as you have found. In fact if I had a Euro for every affair thread I've seen on this and other fora, where the unfaithful man was also a porn addict, I'd be rich indeed.....

But look, he lied to your face about that affairs website - and you stayed. That's when his respect for you went down the toilet, I'm afraid.

Lifeissweet Sat 13-Aug-11 14:40:47

I agree Windsor - and thanks for coming to help. I get really upset at the porn apologists on this site sometimes.

I would say, though, that I completely understand why you didn't leave after the online thing. You weren't in a mental position to deal with the consequences, but I do think you need to think carefully now about what it all means for your relationship. Just because he's not posting on that site (which he knows you know about, remember) doesn't mean he isn't on others. He's a liar and he'll carry on lying.

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