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trying to gain respect without losing him

(15 Posts)
surfnturf Sat 13-Aug-11 11:26:53

I feel despairing, 6 months ago I discovered a text message from my husbands pa which enlightened me to his affair. He was so sorry and we have been to relate and the past 6 months have been painful, difficult and we have both really tried. The hardest for me being that they still work closely together in a tiny office, my husband has tried to find other work but no luck. We have 3 children and have just returned from our family holiday where we had fun in our relationship again. Imagine my horror when yesterday I used his laptop and found an email that he had set up just for the two of them to use. I had no knowledge of it but it has been in use by both of them all this time. He assures me that nothing has happened between them, it was just conversation and she sent him Jokes - if you please!! but I just feel I don't know him anymore. I have moved into the study and told him we are simply living as two people in the same house until she leaves his work or he does but while they are working together it is just too much for me to trust them both again. My heart is breaking and I don't want our marriage to end. Do you think that by being unavailable I am throwing him to her waiting arms, she is definitely waiting in the wings to catch him? Or should I be trying to be extra loving? I don't want to lose him. I have been tring to forgive an impulsive affair but 6 months of lying about this email is cracking me up. I'm normally a self assured person but I just don't know what to do??

Xales Sat 13-Aug-11 11:39:52

Has he set up the email for them to use over the last 6 months or was it set up while they were having the affair before you discovered.

If it was set up before and you are sure there has been nothing between them since you discovered I would be inclined to stick a rocket up his arse, bawl him out about the fact that he is supposed to provided total honesty and transparency in your relationship if you are to get anywhere near trusting him and having a proper relationship again.

If it has been set up or used in the last 6 months then I think he is playing you for an idiot. Once fooled shame on him, twice fooled shame on you. If you stay in a relationship you are going to have to accept that he will cheat again and again.

Basically if you moving into the study pushes him into her arms he doesn't really care very much about you or respect you enough to try at your marriage.

You can be as loving as you want. If he wants to shag her he will. Even if he is getting it in bucket loads from you every night, with cooked dinners, slippers and pipe ready for when he get home.

Perhaps a couple more sessions with a relationship councellor where you can tell him why and how this mm not lying but not telling the truth hurts and angers you and how it will destroy your relationship.

Is this what you are worth?

squeakytoy Sat 13-Aug-11 11:44:07


I understand when you say you love him and you dont want your marriage to end, but be really honest with yourself, will you be happy to carry on in a marriage where there is no trust, and where you have been deceived.

Please dont blame yourself for this though.. being "extra loving" is not the solution to this. It is playing right into his hands too.

He is the one who should be being extra loving, begging for your forgiveness, and grovelling on his bloody knees for you not to kick him out.

windsorTides Sat 13-Aug-11 11:48:52

Well, he's lying isn't he? Continuing to work with her in such small proximity was never going to work.

Ask him to leave, because moving into separate rooms doesn't achieve anything. He still gets a roof over his head and some benefits while he continues screwing around.

As for your OP about respect, he will only respect you when you tell him to fuck off and mean it. Really, it's as simple as that.

AnyFucker Sat 13-Aug-11 11:49:22

Please don't demean yourself by "competing" for the dubious attentions of such a booby prize

Keep your self respect

He is the one that should be moving heaven and earth, you have done nothing wrong

surfnturf Sat 13-Aug-11 11:53:07

Yes the email was set up while the affair was going on and when I told him I needed total transparancy etc he gave me the passwrd to his usual email only and failed to tell me about this other one. Believe me I have bawled at him and thrown the surviving infidelity book at him which states honesty builds trust. I'm blown away really I am

garlicbutter Sat 13-Aug-11 11:57:11

Oh, I went through that, too. How awful for you sad

I did eventually realise that he wasn't doing everything I needed to regain my trust (PA still there) and that this meant - no matter how I felt or what he said - he sisn't care enough about me or have enough respect for my feelings.

After a while you get very angry, which is healthy and appropriate. It motivates you towards change for your own benefit. Until then, you still feel driven by feelings that belong to your old relationship - the one you had, or thought you had, before the affair.

I'm afraid my advice is to get as angry as possible, as quickly as possible. Please do confide in real-life people. Hanging on to HIS shame holds you back and makes you ill.

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Aug-11 12:02:39

I would tell him to get out. Let's face it, he's doing whatever he wants anyway. If you sleep with him or in the study or on the bloody roof, he's still going to have something going on with her.

Call a halt to it now and tell him he has to leave. It may be the shock he needs to realise what he's lost, in which case in many, many months' time you and he may get back together. Or, on the other hand, he may go to live with this woman.

Believe me, I know from experience that it's a hell of a lot less hurtful having him live with another woman because you've kicked him out than it is to have him carrying on a secret affair.

surfnturf Sat 13-Aug-11 12:03:03

I intend to return to my relate counsellor on my own, I have told him that he needs his own counselling to work out why he ultimately chose to have this power and knowledge over me.

windsorTides Sat 13-Aug-11 12:47:01

Please think through what this means. The affair itself only ended because of you finding out and only then was he "sorry". He's put you through months of expensive counselling and all the time he's been holding secrets about a continued relationship with his PA. And it is a continuing relationship, otherwise she would have sent him "jokes" via his normal account. Not that anything beyond the professional would have been appropriate mind you. He must take you for a mug if he expects you to believe that all these E mails have been about exchanging bland pleasantries and jokes.

That's the problem in a nutshell. He does think you're a mug. He just doesn't respect you. He probably also knows that you won't do the one thing that would actually make him look at you with new eyes and show you some long overdue respect - kicking him out. You going to counselling won't get it back, not having sex with him until he moves job won't either. As for him going to counselling, he lied to one counsellor so he will do that with another, especially when you're not there to expose the lies he will tell.

Hit him where it will hurt most and where he will actually have to live with the consequences of his lies and deceit. Otherwise he will just keep lying to you and taking you for a mug.

AnyFucker Sat 13-Aug-11 13:03:19

If you making a stand and respecting yourself makes him slink off to the arms of OW, then you have your answer don't you ?

Dignified Sat 13-Aug-11 13:38:30

I think if you are wanting to rescue your marriage the only thing to do is kick him the fuck out . Once hes living in some shit bed sit , having to pay csa , not seeing his kids everyday , with the added shame of everyone knowing what hes done , then , and only then , might he reaise what hes lost and be genuineley sorry . Until then he,l carry on as he is .

Re the Pa , affairs thrive on secrecy and excitement , he wont be so exciting when hes upset at not seeing his kids and having to negotiate a divorce . He,ll not be a barrel of fun . I think id blow this up and bring it out into the open .

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 13-Aug-11 13:59:21

So sorry OP. The best advice I have seen here is that the cheater leaves, giving the other person in the relationship time to reflect and consider what they want, whether they want the other person back or not. I believe that the person cheated upon needs that space and distance and actually, they're the one with the power, not the cheater.

If you try to fix this at home, nothing has changed and there's no impetus to take stock and actually reflect, for either of you.

SaffronCake Sat 13-Aug-11 14:28:48

This is so sad. Read back everything you've written slowly OP. The unwritten words I see shot through all of it are "I want him to respect me and I want him to stay, but really staying is more important I'll settle for crumbs". See if you see it too.

FabbyChic Sat 13-Aug-11 14:36:33

I agree that it is no longer acceptable for them to work together in such close proximity. He either has to leave the place of work or she does.

Your relationship cannot move forward whilst they work together.

If he truly loves you he will start searching for another job immediately.

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