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Isn't it unfair that so few of us have to bother with this love stuff?

(49 Posts)
DrunkenRant Sat 13-Aug-11 02:42:56

I mean, really. If any us of end up with partners/husbands, most of them will be duffers. We all know that, but most of us go along with that and settle down and have kids with them, and then we complain we've married an idiot.

Isn't it unfair so few of us have to at least try and fall in love?

Yama Sat 13-Aug-11 04:34:00

I have to say I didn't realise that there were so many duffers out there until I discovered Mumsnet. Most of the men I know aren't duffers. I am outspoken about duffers in real life. I can spot one a mile off now you see.

EttiKetti Sat 13-Aug-11 06:28:09

I'm with Yama, not so many duffers in my RL. Have met a few, have had a few, but weeded most of them out.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 13-Aug-11 07:42:39

Obviously you get a skewed view on here because this is where people come when they have problems. To be fair it's not always about partners, and not always about men. There are some truly horrendous stories about mothers on here, for a start.

spookshowangel Sat 13-Aug-11 08:36:43

to be fair as well people dont generally talk about the good, you dont get a thread that say my hubby just ran me a bath is he being ur, or he cooks me a special meal every wednesday what a shit. its as a rule not as interesting and would prob be seen as bragging on here.

didyouseewhatshedid Sat 13-Aug-11 08:45:14

There is one posrer who regularly bangs on about how her and hubby are still blissfully in love after over 20 years of marriage. TBF, when I read her posts, I want to puke.

didyouseewhatshedid Sat 13-Aug-11 08:45:28

'poster'

gailpottertilsleyplatt Sat 13-Aug-11 08:51:47

I know the poster of who you speak (think she's on hols at the moment)! It is possible to still be in love with your DH/DP after 20 years but I think she does rather over egg the pudding grin

bananapirate Sat 13-Aug-11 09:11:37

I'm not sure I understand the question, but I feel sad that I have missed out on love. I was in love once when I was 21, would love to feel it again.

didyouseewhatshedid Sat 13-Aug-11 09:18:38

Ah, bananapirate, it's vastly overrated and always turns to shit eventually. Get a hobby instead.

bananapirate Sat 13-Aug-11 09:20:12

I think I'd settle for a husband I liked

ButWhyIsTheGinGone Sat 13-Aug-11 09:22:45

I've been in love once and he did me over properly - cheated with a woman...and a man! Horiffically, I was so desperate to hold onto him I begged him to take me back. I still cringe when I think back...

Nowadays I don't think I can be bothered looking for love!

flatbellyfella Sat 13-Aug-11 09:54:01

I don't think you can look for love,
it develops over time, With trust you
become confident in that person & it
gives you an uplift in spirits and an
inner glow.
Never take a partner for granted in a loving
relationship ,you do need to talk through
Niggly little things before they get big probs:
Then maybe they won't develop into
duffers and lame ducks.
I do agree there are an awful lot of s**t
fellas out there . Take your time ,
choose wisely .

solidgoldbrass Sat 13-Aug-11 09:58:29

The thing to remember is that couplehood is not compulsory. If you meet a nice partner who you build a happy relationship with, fair enough, but (despite all the endless propaganda to the contrary, which is really just about making sure that every man gets to own a woman for sex, breeding and housework) if you don't, it doesn't matter. Being single is fine.

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Aug-11 09:59:36

I'm divorced and the Relationships board of MN is certainly stopping me from looking around for someone.

I don't know whether I'm just really intolerant, but the thought of putting up with the crap that some people are experiencing makes me feel ill. My marriage was never as bad as that - I don't know how people getting married/move in with such idiots or worse, make a decision to have a child with them after witnessing their fuckwittery.

FakePlasticTrees Sat 13-Aug-11 09:59:46

This thread is very sad. sad

I love DH. Our life isn't all romantic walks, flowers and endless 'champagne and romantic meal fueled sex', but we're happy and he treats me well, I try to be lovely to him too.

Love is important, I don't know how people gets through hard times if they don't love their partner. Same as trust, don't know how anyone can stay with someone they don't trust.

LittleHousebytheRiver Sat 13-Aug-11 10:17:13

It may sad but it is vital. Nobody should compromise who they are or put up with being treated badly just because they love their partner. Love should be mutually rewarding and beneficial and not a slave bracelet that allows another to treat us badly.
I'm in the same position as IB but it makes me appreciate I should be choosy and not rush into anything again just because of a chemical glow that will wear off.
And in future I am prepared to work harder at relationships too, whether with a partner or with friends and relatives.
It's not all gloomy!

gailpottertilsleyplatt Sat 13-Aug-11 10:21:23

"all the endless propaganda to the contrary, which is really just about making sure that every man gets to own a woman for sex, breeding and housework"

Don't be daft, sgd. If you want to put it about and are happy to share your life with someone equally flakey who is also promiscuous then fair enough but don't suggest that committed, monogamous relationships are about ownership and subservience.

lubeybooby Sat 13-Aug-11 10:24:26

Only duffers get posted about on mumsnet - don't think of the relationships board as a yardstick for how men actually are. The many people out there with no problems aren't posting because they don't need to

Good blokes are out there and I'm determined to find one!

didyouseewhatshedid Sat 13-Aug-11 10:35:36

I've posted about this b4. Most blokes, given the opportunity, will get their end away whether in a relationship or not. And I'm a bloke. It's no wonder many women are disillusioned.

I'm with FakePlasticTrees. I've been with DH 14 years, and am very much in love. This board deals with relationship problems, so it's never going to give a rosy picture. And I dislike generalisations about either gender <hard stare at didyousee>

solidgoldbrass Sat 13-Aug-11 12:06:54

Gailpotterect, you're missing the point. Sure there are plenty of happy couples out there and good luck to them. THe propaganda is that women must have a couple-relationship with a man and that it is worth putting up with all manner of rubbish so as not to be single. Couplehood benefits men as a group far more than women as a group. One of the best aspects of MN is how so many women get to hear the message that being a single parent is OK, that it's much better than living with a man who is abusive, an addict, controlling, a bully, shit in bed or utterly selfish WRT housework and childcare - and that it's fine to dump a man who makes them unhappy.

Yama Sat 13-Aug-11 12:09:36

Agree with sgb. Further, I would never model anything less than a respectful, loving and equal relationship on my children.

garlicbutter Sat 13-Aug-11 12:49:49

This board went through one of its wimpy phases recently, being flooded with replies of the "He must be depressed, poor love" and "Try Harder" variety. It reminded me of real life confused I agree with SGB that the pressure - or expectation - on women is STILL to shut up and put up. It's not good enough. The sane, sensible men out there deserve to be very happy, loved and respected. The others deserve to be dumped. There are a lot of 'others'.
I can't help thinking that, if women had higher expectations from relationships, more men would shape up.

Disclaimer: Twice divorced and now devoted to singledom+celibacy! (My ideal man would have found an ideal woman, and remained happily married, by now - so logic dictates. You need to learn this stuff early grin )

Malificence Sat 13-Aug-11 12:54:26

Jealousy's a terrible thing. wink
If I, or anyone else in a very long marriage, make you want to "puke" because we are happy , tough shit basically.
You obviously haven't read enough of my posts to know my back story, which isn't all hearts and flowers by a long shot.
I never say that couplehood is preferable, I'm often accused of having unreasonably high expectations of standards on here, but having high standards when it comes to relationships is a good thing, it would stop an awful lot of people putting up with sub-standard marriages where they are treated somewhere between a domestic appliance and a wank sock.
You sound like the type of man that women on here often moan about if you think that most blokes are anything other than decent human beings, like tends to gravitate towards like, so arsehole men tend to socialise with other areshole men.

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