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Hopeless and trapped with depressed husband

(14 Posts)
toobusytofunction Fri 12-Aug-11 21:53:08

I am not totally sure what help I think I can get from this, but perhaps it will be useful just to share the problem.

I had a whirlwind romance with a man I thought would answer all my problems and needs. We had known eachother for approximately 3 months when we slept together and I immediately fell pregnant (contraception failure). I felt confident that he was the man of my dreams (I always have been a bit of a dreamer!), and because although I am pro-choice, I had always felt that the 'choice' was really for people with limited choices. In this case, I was older (late 20s), financial solvent, and had always wanted a family...not to mention that I thought the man was perfect.

I had to make some considerable sacrifices in order to have the child and stay with the man- I had to end things with my ex-(and long term-) boyfriend (I should clarify, we were certainly separated at the time of this romance, but the pregnancy meant that I had to end it permanently and hurt him badly in doing so). I also sacrificed my professional credibility (there were concerns over my relationship concerning my profession, but it's long and complicated and not worth explaining here). But in all I felt I was doing the right thing.

It was never plain sailing, with all of these issues and more, but we were happy and in love. Unfortunately, within a few months of our DS's birth, this man began to show signs that he might not be what I thought. We began having terrible arguments, which worsened with time. His insecurity was parasitic. He told me he'd be happier and feel more secure if we were married, so I married him. (I know; don't say it...)

It didn't get better. Our DS is now 2 and we have been through marriage counselling and yet we still argue and argue and argue. He is almost never happy or confident: nothing like the man I met and got pregnant with.

I don't even like him anymore, let alone love him. He never makes me happy- he just occassionally doesn't make me miserable. My son is wonderful and the light of my life, so I cannot regret the whole event, but I do regret marrying his father. I thought I was doing the right thing; I thought the best thing for my ds was to have married parents. Now I just find myself slipping into despair.

I think there is a chance he is clinically depressed, and have suggested he might get some help- but he tells me I am an evil witch for trying to make it sound like he is the one with the problem. He thinks I am making him miserable...and maybe I am.

My parents divorced a few years ago, and I always swore that I would NEVER do that to my children, but now I wonder if it is worse to live like this.

I am no longer financially solvent, as I inheritted my husband's debt, and have now been coping with the cost of a child and childcare for two years, so I don't know how I would cope on my own.

I am just utterly desperate and feel like I cannot talk to anyone about this, because all of my friends and family, whilst supportive, did urge me to caution and suggested I needed to think things through- I thought I knew better; I thought I was in love; I thought I would be happy and they would all be proven wrong. Now I just feel like an idiot.

I've made so many mistakes in my life- promiscuity, impetuousness, affairs, but I've always been able to fix them in the long terrm. How do I fix this?

Spenguin Fri 12-Aug-11 21:59:54

Firstly, hugs.

Secondly, don't give up until it's really worth giving up. The great thing is that you've thought of other avenues to help salvage your relationship.

Counselling and medication could be worthwhile.

I know nobody likes to admit fault, but, you probably are making him the same way that he's making you miserable.

You need to end the cycle. Could you do a "trial separation" and, by that, I mean just getting your own space. Whilst living apart, attend counselling and really just dig deep and be open.

However, if he's not willing in the slightest to give this a go and maybe take medication, then that's a different story.

Please don't beat yourself up about your past 'mistakes'. You family won't turn around and say 'we told you so'. If they do, just say 'no, I need HELP'. I think you sound lovely (especially as regards your child). Even the greatest saints used to be sinners.

honeyandsalt Fri 12-Aug-11 22:04:05


Speak with a good solicitor about seperating, particularly the financial side of things, and try to keep things as civil as possible for the sake of your DC.

spookshowangel Fri 12-Aug-11 22:18:59

time to go before he pulls you down further, we have all been guilty of thinking with our hearts there is no shame there but you are a fool to stay for longer for the reasons you state above.
you ds is a good age to go the younger the better in my books the older they get the more questions and heart ache, not saying it wont effect just to a lesser degree.
financial problems etc can pass do you want to be looking at yourself in 5 years and still be in the same place you are now?

cestlavielife Fri 12-Aug-11 23:28:45

go back to the counsellor but on your own and talk thru your options.
it is not fair on your DS to be in a household where his parents argue and argue and no one is happy

if he is clnically depressed and refuses help you will only suffer

FabbyChic Fri 12-Aug-11 23:33:46

I have been clinically depressed, it lasted for three years. I have to say however there is light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't go for counselling, I got myself better but I didn't really do anything for myself either. I got the right medication I will probably take them for life them and anti-psychotics, they work for me, and after three years I find myself working again full time.

I don't jump to conclusions anymore, I don't find myself crying all the time, and feeling as if I am drowning which is what depression is like, you feel a black cloud over your head and nothing you can do will make it go away. You cannot think nice thoughts when all you feel is despair and that is what it is total and utter despair, waking but not wanting to be alive. Some days are better than others, but ultimately you end up just feeling as if you cannot cope with anything no matter how small.

Some find talking therapies help, I didn't. You cannot retrain a mind of 46 years old that has only ever thought one way.

I joined a mental health forum, ended up being a moderator and on live help. For me though as I started to get better I found others problems would bring me down.

All you can do is be there for him, I had no one and no family or friends or anyone to talk to, talking helps it really does, just knowing someone cares sometimes makes you feel tonnes better.

Get him the right medication, try to keep him active. If he needs sleep let him sleep, for a depressed person whilst you are sleeping you are not feeling sick.

Spenguin Fri 12-Aug-11 23:53:48

Fabby, I agree with what you've said, however, not so much about the sleep point.

Yes, let him sleep is he's genuinely tired. However, when I was depressed, the moping in bed bit made it so much worse. I got so angry with my husband for trying to get me out of bed and out of the house. He was naturally frustrated too.

Baby steps.

cestlavielife Sat 13-Aug-11 00:19:20

if he accepts going to GP and getting diagnosis of depression she can do all those supportive things for a person with depression. but she "thinks" he might be depressed. no one knows for sure...op says "I think there is a chance he is clinically depressed" - maybe he isnt maybe he is just needy and childlike

if he just sits there telling her she is an evil witch and is refusing to seek help/diagnosis then none of that being supportive he has depression applies.

right now all we know for sure is he is needy and insecure and has persuaded /manipulated her to marry him and take on his debt.... not a good situation ; depression or not.

but until there is clinical diagnosis then forget supporting him thru depression - it might just be personality.... whirlwind romance rings huge alarm bells. might just be best to get out now while ds is still young

jasper Sat 13-Aug-11 01:00:56

get out asap and minimise the financial damage

SaffronCake Sat 13-Aug-11 16:38:30

I think you know the answer. I think you don't like it, but that you do know it.

toobusytofunction Sat 13-Aug-11 21:54:18

Thank you all for your comments. I really thought everyone would tell me that I need to stay and make it work; I am quite taken aback now. I plan to continue with the counselling; we have been going for months now. At worst, I may get no where but at least I will feel I've tried. At best, I may be able to get him some help and maybe, just maybe, he'll start to resemble the man I thought he was.
I do feel that it may be a bit of a lost cause, given that I knew him for such a short space of time before things starting going wrong. I suspect what I fell for was a guise and I was just so desperately eager to find 'Mr Right' that I didn't care to look deeper. No one to blame but myself. I really ought to have suspected that as a once-devorced man, he probably couldn't have been quite as perfect as he seemed.

SaffronCake Sun 14-Aug-11 10:52:25

Divorcees can be fab, I'm one and I'm very marriable I think. My ex husband is a divorcee too and I can honestly say when he remarried I was genuinely pleased for them both. He's a good man, if we hadn't been through hell in a handcart because of a desperate tragedy we wouldn't have gone to pieces. So don't rule out all divorcees, there is such a thing as a no fault divorce (emotionally, if not legally) and people do have second marriages and families and stay happy forever. One mans meat is another mans poison too, so whatever sprung a divorce in the past might just not be important to you. I think the lesson to learn is to go slower. Next time you meet Mr Eligable give him 2 whole years before you accept any rings then another 2 years before you sign anything binding. Then you'll REALLY know him.

cestlavielife Sun 14-Aug-11 11:02:17

his past divorce is not necessarily relevant. eg he had no children?
also some people who have depressive episodes also have "highs" - so in his high phase he may well be the man of your dreams.
my exP charmed many (including me) in his high phases.
go to counselling on your own.
and some even when accept have clinical issues continue to use that to try and manipulate "but i am depresed so you have to put up with this". you dont. set boundaries. read depression fallout message board

Gonzo33 Sun 14-Aug-11 14:10:26

Your husband sounds very like my exh op. I can't really add to what everyone else has said, but just wanted to wish you luck in whatever path you choose. It is a hard situation to be in, and I sympathise with you. [hugs]

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