I am not totally sure what help I think I can get from this, but perhaps it will be useful just to share the problem.
I had a whirlwind romance with a man I thought would answer all my problems and needs. We had known eachother for approximately 3 months when we slept together and I immediately fell pregnant (contraception failure). I felt confident that he was the man of my dreams (I always have been a bit of a dreamer!), and because although I am pro-choice, I had always felt that the 'choice' was really for people with limited choices. In this case, I was older (late 20s), financial solvent, and had always wanted a family...not to mention that I thought the man was perfect.
I had to make some considerable sacrifices in order to have the child and stay with the man- I had to end things with my ex-(and long term-) boyfriend (I should clarify, we were certainly separated at the time of this romance, but the pregnancy meant that I had to end it permanently and hurt him badly in doing so). I also sacrificed my professional credibility (there were concerns over my relationship concerning my profession, but it's long and complicated and not worth explaining here). But in all I felt I was doing the right thing.
It was never plain sailing, with all of these issues and more, but we were happy and in love. Unfortunately, within a few months of our DS's birth, this man began to show signs that he might not be what I thought. We began having terrible arguments, which worsened with time. His insecurity was parasitic. He told me he'd be happier and feel more secure if we were married, so I married him. (I know; don't say it...)
It didn't get better. Our DS is now 2 and we have been through marriage counselling and yet we still argue and argue and argue. He is almost never happy or confident: nothing like the man I met and got pregnant with.
I don't even like him anymore, let alone love him. He never makes me happy- he just occassionally doesn't make me miserable. My son is wonderful and the light of my life, so I cannot regret the whole event, but I do regret marrying his father. I thought I was doing the right thing; I thought the best thing for my ds was to have married parents. Now I just find myself slipping into despair.
I think there is a chance he is clinically depressed, and have suggested he might get some help- but he tells me I am an evil witch for trying to make it sound like he is the one with the problem. He thinks I am making him miserable...and maybe I am.
My parents divorced a few years ago, and I always swore that I would NEVER do that to my children, but now I wonder if it is worse to live like this.
I am no longer financially solvent, as I inheritted my husband's debt, and have now been coping with the cost of a child and childcare for two years, so I don't know how I would cope on my own.
I am just utterly desperate and feel like I cannot talk to anyone about this, because all of my friends and family, whilst supportive, did urge me to caution and suggested I needed to think things through- I thought I knew better; I thought I was in love; I thought I would be happy and they would all be proven wrong. Now I just feel like an idiot.
I've made so many mistakes in my life- promiscuity, impetuousness, affairs, but I've always been able to fix them in the long terrm. How do I fix this?
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Relationships
Hopeless and trapped with depressed husband
13 replies
toobusytofunction · 12/08/2011 21:53
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