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Should I be upset by this? (long - apologies)

(8 Posts)
JeandeFlorette Fri 12-Aug-11 21:29:15

Found out something today which has made me feel really quite sad. I suspect I am being irrational/hormonal - hence there is no way I could have risked this in the bear pit of AIBU - but would appreciate opinions.

This all starts some years ago - a good friend of mine met a man, fell in love, eventually after a few years moved in together and got engaged. Man was separated from his 1st wife and living some way away from her and their DC. Eventually when friend was nudging him to set a date for wedding etc, and they were also in the process of buying a house, it all fell apart - and he ended up going back to the wife and DC. He said this was for their sake, and his wife was flaky, he wanted to be with my friend but the children came first.

So, friend was of course, devastated. A few years pass, over the course of which they intermittently keep in touch, start seeing each other again a few times but his family situation is always the same so it goes nowhere. By this time DC are late teens. He assures her it will be different when they get to university, but she doesn't believe him. The last time was about 8 years ago. Another year or so later, we heard though the grapevine that he was involved with a woman I knew of (very, very vaguely, same profession). Friend said good luck to her, she didnt think he would ever change, or get divorced. Never heard anything more about them.

Today out of the blue this woman's name came up in something at work. Which reminded me of the above, and just from idle curiosity I thought I wonder if she's still with him- and (why I dont know) I thought I'd google them. 5 minutes on the internet revealed they are now married, with a DC. So he did get divorced. Friend meanwhile is on her own, and has been since they split, I don't think she really ever got over him.

I've felt ever so down since I found out, I cant really explain why but it made me feel really sad. It feels a bit as though that should have been my friend's life, she should have been married (they had a v similar wedding to that I know my friend would have had), had DC. It seems ever so unfair - and I know life really isn't fair much of the time, but sometimes I really wish it was sad

Gastonladybird Fri 12-Aug-11 21:35:06

I think it is understandable you feel sad as sounds like this woman had the life your friend wanted. However I am not sure I agree it the life she should have had (p- am not defending him but didn't work out with the ex and your friend could at least partly see that wasn't going to change (see what she said when hear about this woman). What is sadder for me reading this is why your friend hasn't moved on and if (as you suspect) it has damaged her life. She can't undo what has happened but maybe some therapy and kind friends like you will help her move on - it does sound an awfully long time to lube like this(if it really was down to end of this relationship),

Gastonladybird Fri 12-Aug-11 21:35:38

Sorry awful typos there

BelleDameSansMerci Fri 12-Aug-11 21:46:41

I completely understand why this would upset. Something similar happened to a friend of mine and she's never really got over it sad

In reality, though, I suspect your friend had a lucky escape. He ping-ponged between his first wife and your friend - probably getting different things from them both but all of it being about him. I bet he's only divorced because his first wife finally got shot of him.

I hope this actually gives your friend a chance to move on. I feel very sorry for her.

JeandeFlorette Fri 12-Aug-11 22:17:51

thanks - I feel a bit better knowing that it's not totally weird to be sad about this.

belle, you're probably right about him. He's into late middle age now so that may be a factor. He relentlessly pursued friend from the day they met, she was quite a bit younger than him. She has a very good life now tbh in every respect other than having met anyone else, just seems a shame because she would have been a great mum sad

BelleDameSansMerci Fri 12-Aug-11 22:47:12

Not sure how old your friend is (obviously) but I didn't have a child until the week before my 42nd birthday and I was single on and off for ages. She may still be a great mum.

matthew2002smum Sat 13-Aug-11 00:07:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jasper Sat 13-Aug-11 01:04:51

marriage is not some kind of ultimate prize a man bestows on a lucky lady.

Some marriages are happy, many are miserable.
Who is to say if your friend married Mr Vague it would have been a happy ending?

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