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Personal responsibility, feelings, and "you've made me angry"

(10 Posts)
mirai Fri 12-Aug-11 19:35:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 12-Aug-11 19:49:04

IMO

continually winding someone up would be emotional abuse.

cestlavielife Fri 12-Aug-11 20:09:45

of course you can be angry because of what someone has done.

it is what you do with that anger that counts.

eg you walk away, rant to your friends. rant on MN etc.

or you hit out at that person.
smash their belongings. etc

that is the difference.

mirai Fri 12-Aug-11 20:15:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface Fri 12-Aug-11 20:17:20

Cestlavielife has pretty much said what I think.

I agree that other people can provoke anger in us, but what we do when we are angry is 100% down to us.

Anger is an emotion and to a certain extent uncontrollable, we feel what we feel regardless of whether we want to feel like that or not. Violence or verbal abuse is an action and as such we have a choice over it.

mirai Fri 12-Aug-11 20:21:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tallwivglasses Fri 12-Aug-11 20:27:42

Interesting post. Not sure I'll make much sense here (wine...no kids for once...grin) but wanted to respond.

It's useful to avoid 'you make me feel...' in a discussion where 2 people are really trying to connect and understand eachother.

But I agree, often the other person has every intention of making their OH feel, say - inadequate, stupid, frustrated, etc, so they do the whole blame thing.

As for the excuse for DV or EA - 'You made me do it' - Bollocks.
Walk away, punch a pillow, count to 10. People who behave like this in a relationship can often control their anger in other situations - because the consequences are more far-reaching.

Would love to know why you're asking this smile

SaffronCake Fri 12-Aug-11 20:27:45

I need to use an example in order to explain so lets say my OH dented my car because he was driving recklessly. I wasn't there at the time. (This would never, ever happen, but it's a useful example).

In the example OH has done something he shouldn't have, that he knows he shouldn't have, that no one in thier right mind would condone, that wasn't neccessary and that it could have been predicted would have a bad outcome. By contrast I am totally innocent, facing a large bill and have been scared both by the potential there was for OH to have hurt himself or others and the prospect of answering the door to police acting on incident reports and a numberplate.

Would you forgive me if I was angry with him? Probably. You would probably all forgive me because you found it understandable that I would be angry. And it is.

But the anger is still my anger, no matter how understandable. II own that reaction. There are people out there (Foreign Spiritiual Guru's they may be, but they still exist) who would not be angry or sad or anything else dramatic. They would be emotionally calm about it, forgiving even.

It is possible for anger to be understandable, righteous even, but still belong to the person feeling it.

Does that explain any or have I just made it even more confusing?

WyrdMother Fri 12-Aug-11 20:32:42

I think responsibility varies. So A says something that pisses me off in an ideal world I state my feelings assertively to A, A understands my feelings and we reach mutual understanding and sort our problems out in a constructive way...lovely.

If A says something that pissess me off and I say nothing but go off muttering resentfully under my breath and brood on it all day snapping at all and sundry then I am totally responsible for my feelings.

If A says something that pissess me off, I state my feelings assertively but A gleefully continues to say what they know will upset me, or rubbishes my pov, or hits me to make me shut up then it is totally their problem.

If A says something that pissess me off and I don't say anything because I have had previous experience of the outcomes in the third option above then that's a whole lot of gray area of the of-course-you-should-leave-but-I -understand-why-you-are-scared-variety.

It's not always simple.

mirai Fri 12-Aug-11 20:50:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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