Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

just found questionable sent text messages on dp's phone... what to do

(36 Posts)
redfoxy Fri 12-Aug-11 19:19:07

my phone conked out a few months ago, so my dp gave me his old one. I hadn't even looked on it other than to load my numbers on. Bit bored earlier so i decided to go through and delete some old messages/sent messages.

this is where I discovered 5 texts "dear xxx dream girl etc... do you want to go out for dinner" , "loitering in London dream girl xxx" "dream girl all my love" dating back to 2007 the last ones from march the last time he was away working in London. (in fact all dating from times away from what I can gather) Ok, not that many texts, but he usually just phones rather than texts so i can surmise there was more contact other than that.

i am such a mug, the london trips always got extended, while i was alone taking care of the kids. he always said "oh it's awful here, etc etc, so much work to do" I am so naive and trusting, but why shouldn't I be.

absolutely seething right now and i feel physically sick. I don't really want to confide in anyone yet until it's sunk in. I know they don't actually mean he's done anything technically but I'd have to be a complete fool to think he hasn't.

that's it, I'm having an affair to make it even.

he's away again and will be back tomorrow. not sure how to deal with this yet.

I have considered phoning up "dream girl" as her name and number are there, logged on the phone, but maybe i should confront him first

tiddleypompom Fri 12-Aug-11 19:27:59

Bleugh how revolting. Poor you foxy. Sorry no real advice, primarily as I'm not sure you need it (you sound pretty clear to me), but tons of solidarity and for what it's worth I say keep the anger, he needs to hear it.

What a bastard. Grr.

p.s. I would also be tempted to call the OW if only to be better positioned to give her a name, therefore not having to re-use the hideous title he has bestowed... I'd also keep the texts.

PokyPookie Fri 12-Aug-11 19:29:43

I'd also be tempted to text or call. Although if they are from 2007 the number could no longer belong to the same person.

Sorry you are going through this.

susiedaisy Fri 12-Aug-11 19:34:11

I would phone the number find out what you can, give yourself time to digest any new info then farm kids out of house for a bit and sit him down and see what he has to say and go from there.

redfoxy Fri 12-Aug-11 19:36:26

the last text was from march, this year, which is the last time he was working in London, so not that long ago.. oh, yes, I've kept the texts, if he's not careful with how he reacts he's likely to have the phone shoved up his backside..

(ok, i won't really do that... ) but freaking grrrrrrr

susiedaisy Fri 12-Aug-11 19:47:38

Yeah I bettor are it's horrible when you fins things like , rocks your world to the very core and makes a person question everything, ( been in a similar situation) are the texts from him to this dream girl or are the texts a two way thing?

susiedaisy Fri 12-Aug-11 19:47:57

Spelling blush

redfoxy Fri 12-Aug-11 19:50:18

texts are from him, none there from her, but i'm sure he would have deleted those

Wetnwild Fri 12-Aug-11 19:57:04

Oh no, how awful for you. Don't ring her yet, she may warn him and you will lose the advantage of surprise. I'd be tempted to get a new sim and when he is defo not with her text him as 'dream girl' with a new number!

Sorry though. Don't want to make light of your shitty situation. Is this much of a surprise to you?

redfoxy Fri 12-Aug-11 20:06:22

i'm one of these naive people who just take things on face value... even though I should know better, I am an eternal optimist!! not ever thought he would actually cheat, as he is sooo scathing of others that do. So complete surprise. I'm feeling a lot more calmer about it now I think, but I've had a bottle of beer. I have until tomorrow to eek out a masterplan of what to say and how to approach this, am going to phone my sister in a min who's husband of 18 years left her for younger woman so I know I've got support!!

Bogeyface Fri 12-Aug-11 20:07:41

As someone who discovered my H;s text affair a month ago, I can totally sympathise. I have no proof that he had sex with her, infact the texts indicate that they didnt manage to meet up but were trying to arrange it, so the fact that he didnt is irrelevant, as he wanted to and was trying to. He had a secret phone that he "accidentally" let me find, I use "" because they way I found it makes me think that he actually wanted to be caught.

He was doing this from a couple of months after our wedding until after I gave birth to our baby a year later, and I found out 5 weeks after giving birth.

I can totally understand your anger, I go from so mad I could kill him, to heartbroken tears several times a day. And I did consider going out and evening the score, but I realised that all that would do is make me feel worse and would make me as bad as him. I got really upset a couple of weeks ago and he tried to give me a hug to comfort me, and I screamed at him to not come near me or "I will rip your fucking FACE OFF!" I was literally screaming at him and his shock was obvious. I dont see that I should keep those feelings inside, he should look at the state I am in and realise the damage he has done. The same applies to you, dont keep anything in, let him see your tears and your anger, he needs to know what he has done to you and your marriage.

We havent split up but thats because no firm decision has been made yet. Alot of it is to do with the fact that I dont want to be on my own with the kids and tiny baby, and money too as I cant go back to work yet, the baby is just 10 weeks old. We will be going to counselling together and he will be going alone for therapy as he has some serious issues that I suspected for a while and he has finally accepted, after years of denial. Would you consider counselling either on your own or with him? It may well help even if you decide not to try again.

When will you speak to him about this? I would do it sooner rather than later tbh, so it doesnt fester.

I am thinking of you, un-mn-y hugs coming your way xx

lisad123 Fri 12-Aug-11 20:11:17

I would text other woman when you know his not there and just put "hi how's your day going?"
angry for u

redfoxy Fri 12-Aug-11 20:19:21

thanks.. need a hug right now really!!! OH man, that is really awful to find out so soon after birth... what a rat.

I'm thinking about all the ramifications if we were to split, wow jeesh, what a logistical nightmare, would i be better off? How would my daughter cope? Have 3 step children who live with us, could I bring myself to part my daughter from all her siblings? phew, complicated... I don't know about counselling.... haven't even thought that far ahead yet.

no doubt this is going to make me re-evaluate everything from the ground up...

susiedaisy Fri 12-Aug-11 20:26:39

Take each day as it comes, find out the full picture then take time to think whats best for you and your Dd I agree you can't even think any further ahead at mo, it took me several years to finally leave my marriage so don't even put that pressure on yourself yet, if his explanation is not the worst that you fear there may be something to salvage,

Bogeyface Fri 12-Aug-11 20:33:04

I can relate to the re-evaluation. I think I started with "I hate you, you are a fucking cunt and I wish I had never set eyes on you" and worked up from there wink

What gets to me more than anything is the fact that everything you thought was real and true was a lie. I look back at what I thought were happy times and in reality he was messing around. The past I thought I had isnt the past I actually had and that is horrible. And of course it is awful, finding out that the man I am married to isnt the man I love, because it turns out that the man I love doesnt exist and I am saddled with a cheating lying bastard sad

Its still early days but a month later it doesnt feel as raw as it did. I can go whole minutes at a time without thinking about it, I am only half joking when I say that. I do feel for you, I remember how devastated I felt when I found out, almost like I couldnt breathe.

Go easy on yourself, none of this is your fault. So dont take any shit from him and dont accept any excuses. There is NO excuse for what he has done and if you suspect that he isnt taking this seriously or is brushing off what he has done then I would kick the fucker to the kerb. The only reason my H is still here is because I believe that he genuinely regrets it and wants to work at our marriage. If I thought for a second that he was playing me for a fool then he wouldnt be here and that is still, and will always remain an option.

didyouseewhatshedid Fri 12-Aug-11 20:49:03

My personal advice OP is to keep your powder dry for now - which will be hard. Take a while to let things sink in, find out what you can, dont do anything hasty and quietly plan the course of action that suits you best.

JustLea Fri 12-Aug-11 21:46:28

I can imagine how you are feelin Foxy. I caught my ex red handed with another girl 2 weeks after I had miscarried our baby sad I chose to stay with him because he some how managed to put the blame on me for bein distant with him since the miscarriage etc. However, over the next couple of years I suspected he was cheatin on me..I didnt suspect actually, I knew, but he would always have his brother to cover his back and he'd say I can call his brother to confirm his story but if i do then by the time I end the call he would be gone because I had accused him. He knew I didnt want to be without him and as always I let it go. Anyway, he cheated on me endless amounts of times and I let it go endless amounts of times but it eventually made me so ill keepin it all to myself. I lost alot of weight, my hair fell out in chunks but most of all I took it out on the people closest to me..I was headin in a downwards spiral. The final blow came when my youngest sister admitted to secretly meetin up with him. I went crazy as you can imagine, I screamed, I cried but not infront of him. I calmed myself down, I stepped outside of the box, put it all into perspective then confronted him calmly. I told him my sister had admitted everythin to me, Id seen the messages in black and white and he had finally pushed me to the point of no return..then I just walked away and finally I felt in control and I have now moved on.

Anyway, sorry its long winded but dont bottle it up because it will eat away at you until you confront it. Scream, cry, whatever in your own company, let it sink in, get it out of your system then confront him when your calm. You need to stay calm and strong for your children. Even if he tells you things you dont want to hear, its better to know then not to know and you may even be able to move on from it in time. Live and let go or walk away. Best wishes xxx

M0naLisa Sat 13-Aug-11 01:31:59

i too would text.

redfoxy Sat 13-Aug-11 10:10:51

Thanks for your replies, thanks for the support, it really helps. I feel surprisingly calm today. He comes home later and has some hard explaining to do.

QuintessentialShadow Sat 13-Aug-11 10:17:57

Sorry, this sounds pretty shit.

I think I would also find out more before confronting partner. Can you google her name and or number and see what comes up? Is it a prostitute he has been seing in London, or a colleague? Do they work together, is she married, etc? Company policy on affairs, etc? Do you know why his last marriage broke down? Does have have form, etc?

I like the idea of getting a new sim and contact her pretending to be him...

Seems it has been going on since 2007. Thats pretty awful.

redfoxy Sat 13-Aug-11 11:22:41

well, googled the number, found her full name. Is possibly an old colleague of his as her line of work is similar. Tried to phone (the sim card in the phone is mine, so the messages are stored on the phone memory itself) but it went to answerphone, and what on earth kind of message to leave??
dream girl, phew, i was really thinking maybe she was a prostitute with that name, but I'm glad it's not. although, I don't know what's worse tbh...

QuintessentialShadow Sat 13-Aug-11 11:25:29

Well, you could leave a message saying something like "Hi, this is Sally, Johns wife, please can you ask him to call me as soon as possible, and to buy some milk on the way home".

FellatioNelson Sat 13-Aug-11 11:29:48

I'm thinking perhaps she is an escort girl TBH. It's a funny name to call someone otherwise. I agree with whoever up thread said take this very slowly. Keep calm and quiet for now until you have gleaned as much information as you can, then confront him. If you go in at this stage knowing very little it will be so much easier for him to pull the wool ovewr your eyes about the extent of what has been happening.

windsorTides Sat 13-Aug-11 11:39:53

The trouble with this is that when you confront him, he will admit to only what you can prove. So he will say that yes, he got friendly with another woman and he was a bit flirty with her, but nothing actually happened...yada, yada.

Is there anything else you can find before confronting him? Phone bills, his laptop for E mails, credit card statements, his current phone? Might be worth keeping your powder dry until tomorrow, to give you enough time to do this once him and his weapons of mass destruction (phone, laptop) are back home.

If not, then if as you say his London trips were frequently extended, I'd take the position that this was very much a physical relationship and tell him that it's up to him to prove otherwise.

If you can stomach it, I'd be inclined to leave a message on this woman's phone, but give a false name and your real number. Curiosity means she will phone you back and you can then ask her some questions. You will have the element of shock in your favour and so she might give you some truth at least, although be prepared for a sulky "ask your husband" response. Obviously, she'll then phone to warn him and he'll have time to concoct an elaborate set of lies, but you'll know that when it happens won't you? You will know when he doesn't seem as shocked as he should be.

redfoxy Sat 13-Aug-11 11:40:34

true, but he does have silly names for people.. when we first started going out he called me a pet name that i won't repeat here as it's just slightly corny and embarrassing... and usually he'll attach on a descriptive name to names of our friends.. for example our friend george he calls gorgeous george etc.. but then if he's pulled the wool over my eyes for this long, anything is possible.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now