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I've ended it with DH today

(38 Posts)
VeryVeryVeryNumb Fri 12-Aug-11 17:45:32

And I can't believe I've done it and he doesn't seem to think I'm serious.

I dont want to go into all the reasons as I feel far too fragile to thnk about much at all.

We've been through a lot though including violence and emotional abuse. (him to me)

The crux of the matter is that he went away to work last year without my agreeing....and he wants to do it again and he wants us to move abroad right now with him and the DC and I really dont want to.

My fear of the kids being estranged from him has kept me with him basically. He's not from this country and he will go back home if we're over and it's on the other side of the world....they wont know their Dad basically. They're 7 and 3.

He won't stay as he says he can earn more at home...this was what broke the camels he said "if I get offered a job with enough money I am going."

And so I said "right then we're over"

He was shocked and obviously doesn't believ me.

When returned last year I said I would try again only if he never accepted more work abroad uness we were coming too... and I would not go abroad with him until we had managed to live peacefully together for a year.

He says this is me putting off moving abroad and it's not...its me trying to see if we can actually get on...without fighting. I wont go there to live with him whilst I dont trust him basically

I am so sad and numb but a tiny corner of me is happy...or maybe it's relieved. I feel a bit free. I have told him that he can stay until he finds this marvelous job abroad. We own nothing and have no money at all so he can't exctly take anything. We ae in a rental in his name but I think the landlord will happily put my name on too....we've had this place for 5 years now.

I cant face telling my family and friends I fee worried about it all. When he went last year for ten months it as awful. I felt so aone and the kids missed him. But every day I am waking up in fear....fear of him going and fear of his moods....its not good for the DC.....I feel like I'm out of the frying pan into the fire.

I wanted this on here so that I can look back and remember why I ha finished it....incase he weakens me. H doesn't beleve me I know he thinks I will come around and then he will put the pressure on me again.

APart from all this I do have love for him. He is a very good Father and the DC adore him.

Davida Fri 12-Aug-11 17:48:44

I am relieved for you smile

Good luck pet
you've done the right thing.

VeryVeryVeryNumb Fri 12-Aug-11 17:51:49

I keep wondering when I wll feel happy again. I know I will be one day....I KNOW I will.

It's better for the DC to be in a one parent home with a parent who isn't getting bullied isn't it?

AnyFucker Fri 12-Aug-11 17:53:55

Yes, it is

You hit the nail on the absolute head, love x

VeryVeryVeryNumb Fri 12-Aug-11 17:54:05

He's gone to the supermarket. I think it's because hes trying to keep a sense of normality going. I feel awful. So sad.

VeryVeryVeryNumb Fri 12-Aug-11 17:58:20

I can decorate the house maybe. (trying to cheer myself up) My eldest has got into new school for September and its such a good one. Her old one closd and we were very lucky to land the one we did. The youngest is starting preschool there and I think all this has something to do with DH tying to put a new pressure on me to go abroad...he thinks that he can persuede me becaue we're between schools iyswim.

It's all a lot of change for the school...Dad leaving...I feel very weak atm. I can't drive and he was going to do the driving to school. I will have to get the bus I suppose.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Aug-11 18:00:09

These practical things that seem insurmountable now, will work out, I promise x

VeryVeryVeryNumb Fri 12-Aug-11 18:02:27

I can't even begin to think about the rent. How will I pay it? I work part time self employed and my wages are sometimes irregular. We get working tax credits.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Aug-11 18:04:06

Speak to the Tax Credits people.

Go to Entitled.Com and see what you would get a lone parent who works PT.

Have a half-hour consult with a solicitor. Your H will have to support his children.

RabbitPie Fri 12-Aug-11 19:13:55

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA Fri 12-Aug-11 19:19:14

You have done the right thing. I know it's hard - but doing the right thing isn't always easy x

You will look back on this thread and wonder why it took you so long...

Stay strong

tallwivglasses Fri 12-Aug-11 19:33:03

'I keep wondering when I wll feel happy again. I know I will be one day....I KNOW I will.'

That's the spirit VVV. wink

LizaTarbucksAuntie Fri 12-Aug-11 19:36:58

It will get better, honestly and it'll be quicker than you imainge.

Good luck, one step at a time don't look too far into the future and you'll be absolutely fine.

Keep your chin up and find something to giggle at with your DC everyday.

VeryVeryVeryNumb Fri 12-Aug-11 20:02:13

I keep thinking about the past with us. Looking back for haappy times. The times I was most at ease were when he wasn't with us anyway.

I can cope fine without him but I am devestated the DC wont have their Dad. I can't even say they'll see him at weekends like other kids...they wont will they? He's going to be thousands of fucking miles away.

I will be expected to organise Skype conversations and tell them he loves them at bedtime.

What I can't work out is that if he DOES....then why the fuck does is he saying he's going back abroad?

He hasn't said it since I told him we're over. He hasn't sunk in with it yet I dont think. He keeps trying to talk normally to me and I can't look at him.

I keep going over things like DD1s birth. And then I cry. It seemed we were close then. but there's been so much hurt since then.

LizaTarbucksAuntie Fri 12-Aug-11 20:13:10

Do you know what? littlemad has never asked if his daddy loved him, don't torture yourself with unknowns right now, you need all your energy to get through this part. It will get much easier as you discover your new way of being you, you may well find (I did anyway,) that many of the things you worried about before you took your steps are not the things that are tough.

FWIW littlemad sees his dad every six weeks and the rest of the time he gets on with his life.

Please be kind to yourself and really get through one day at a time, don't forecast ahead.

Have some hugs from here <pours some wine and holds hands>

stripeywoollenhat Fri 12-Aug-11 20:13:37

rabbitpie is right about the children's passports, you should put them somewhere he can't access them for the time being.

good luck.

cestlavielife Fri 12-Aug-11 20:14:20

you wll be fine.
your dc will be fine.

my ds have seen dad once in nine months and he lives round the corner (various reasons) - they fine.

your H will decide how he wants to play it.
he could make regular visits back and see them. or he may chose not to.

remember and repeat what you said "The times I was most at ease were when he wasn't with us anyway"

VeryVeryVeryNumb Fri 12-Aug-11 20:17:53

DD2 hasn't got a passport and DD1s is out of date. thank you for the kind words. They mean a lot as I an''t bring myself to speak to anyone in rl

VeryVeryVeryNumb Fri 12-Aug-11 20:18:35

I am going to bed now. I feel so tired. I will update thoughx

Katisha Fri 12-Aug-11 20:19:27

ACtually I think it would be a good idea to try and tell someone in RL. It makes it real then. And you will get support. You don't have to pretend nothing has happened, it is not admission of failure on your part.
And it may also help stop H just steamrollering over you if he refuses to believe you are serious.
I think you should tell someone.

JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA Fri 12-Aug-11 20:22:04

I hope you get some sleep.

I agree that you need to tell people IRL.

If you think there's any chance he would take the kids - you need to take legal steps to prevent it - there's nothing to stop him getting passports for them.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Fri 12-Aug-11 20:34:47

Your story is quite familiar to me. STBXH is also from overseas and abandoned me for months, his wish to be there not here is the major factor which split us up (though there was plenty of EA and not a lot of support). His country is only 3hrs flight by ryanair so much easier and he will be here for a fair bit of the year so not quite as extreme as yours...but I get it. We also have a more peaceful time when he's not here.

solidgoldbrass Fri 12-Aug-11 20:37:59

You have done the right thing. OH and one other practical point for you - you may be entitled to houseing benefit even if you work - I work and get HB as my income is low and erratic.

VeryVeryVeryNumb Fri 12-Aug-11 20:40:28

Eric what made you not go abroad then?

VeryVeryVeryNumb Fri 12-Aug-11 20:45:52

I cant bear to tell my family...they all hated him for dumping us last year and now this. wanker.

He's a fucking sad bastard.

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