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Improving sex life...

(5 Posts)
NeedSatisfaction Fri 12-Aug-11 14:24:07

How do I broach the subject of improving sex life when you partner takes things personally??

Sex has never been amazing for me, just not how I get pleasure, I prefer foreplay to actual intercourse. So sex has always been something I do for OH, but am aware that this is a bad attitude to look at it. It doesn't help that I have a very low sex drive so don't really ever NEED sex.

Talked about it a bit with OH last night and mentioned getting a small bullet vibrator to use during sex so that I can get a bit more from it, and he took the personally as me saying he's not enough for me, which I definitely didn't mean! How do I improve our sex life without insulting/upsetting OH!?

ameliagrey Fri 12-Aug-11 15:34:04

Oooh dear- alarm bells here.

Have you ever had good sex with anyone?

It sounds as if your DH is very selfish and only interested in his own needs, and also hasn't a clue about female sexuality- which is that 75% of women do not have orgasms through actual intercourse.

Is this chicken and egg- do you have a low sex drive because sex has never been something you looked forward to- because no man has known what to do?

Do you avoid sex because you know it won't do much for you?

There is no way you should agree to sex out of a sense of duty.

Have you ever communicated your needs to your DH?
Does he feel any responsibility for making you happy in bed? Does he even know that you're lying back and thinking of England?

I don't think you should try to avoid upsetting him. I think you should try to tell him what you like, what works for you etc. if you think a vibrator would work, then it sounds as if you know what turns you on.

This is not just about sex- it's about how much he cares for you and how much he is willing to learn what makes you tick in bed.

confidence Fri 12-Aug-11 21:17:51

This does sound like a question of general education on the part of your DH.

I'm sceptical of Amelia's figure of 75%, which is higher than various studies I've read as well as my own experience, but her basic point is correct: a far higher number of women than most people realise don't orgasm through intercourse.

A lot of men don't realise this, and to make matters worse a lot of social conditioning makes men think that their worth and skill as lovers is to be entirely judged by how quickly and reliably they make their women come through penetration. Everything else is considered introductory or peripheral. So for many men, the idea of their partner not coming at all during intercourse automatically means they are a failure as a lover.

Once you get over this idea, there are all kinds of ways that two partners can enjoy sex together when one of them doesn't come during intercourse. It just takes open-mindedness and communication.

I would start by making the subject as general and non-personal as possible. Somehow find a way to open his eyes to the fact that this is just the way a huge number of women ARE. It's not about success or failure, or what people "ought" to be able to achieve during sex.

matthew2002smum Fri 12-Aug-11 23:42:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ameliagrey Sat 13-Aug-11 14:54:12

Does this help OP- or are you too busy moaning ( in the nicest way!) to come back?

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