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Six years into marriage & mystery has gone

(32 Posts)
Bumblequeen Fri 12-Aug-11 01:15:40

I love dh to bits. He is everything all rolled into one. I like that I can be myself around him and he loves me regardless of how I may look . He is my best friend and makes me laugh. Sometimes, it all seems too familiar almost like we are brother and sister. There is very little we do not know about one another and the mystery has gone. I want life (primarily our sex life) to be more exciting. I want to feel butterflies again and be swept off my feet.

I secretly am a romantic and like to feel wanted and special.

I find myself envying married couples who still appear loved up despite being together for years. The way they look into each others eyes. Dh and I have lost that and I find it upsetting.

seachange Fri 12-Aug-11 01:26:50

Have you spoken to your DH about this?

I don't mean to be unkind, but your post reads a bit like 'I want I want I want'. Of course you want these things, but are you thinking of your DH as well? Do you know what he wants? Trying to meet his needs I think is a good way of getting him to want to meet yours, and make you happy too.

Be honest with him. Good luck.

Tortington Fri 12-Aug-11 01:29:47

its all bollocks and over rated. your buying into a fantasy bullshit - no one lives like that all the time, you might see me and dh out together holding hands nd laughing as we drink coffee outside the italian place. throwing our heads back ahaa ahaa ahaaa ahaaa

then i get home see his skiddies in the bathroom and want to kick him in the cunt

branstonsandcheese Fri 12-Aug-11 01:43:35

I think the key here is 'appear'.

DH and I have a... passionate relationship. This means that we are the couple who've been together forever and have a billion kids and still snog in the corner in pubs and stuff.

We also have the occasional blazing row and NOBODY can destroy my self-esteem like H can. We know the buttons and sometimes press the bad ones basically.

Since your sex/romantic life seems a bit unexciting to you, is there any aspect of that you'd be (both!), up for exploring as a couple which you may not have before? Connecting in a new way can reignite that wonder in each other which can be lost with time and comfort.

squeakytoy Fri 12-Aug-11 01:46:00

You havent lost anything you know, you have moved on to the next stage, which is being settled and knowing each other inside out, and I am sure he does still want you and thinks you are special!!

He is my best friend and makes me laugh

that ^^ is exactly what he is meant to be!!

LesserOfTwoWeevils Fri 12-Aug-11 01:59:54

What are you doing to make him feel wanted and special and sweep him off his feet?

HerRoyalNotness Fri 12-Aug-11 02:14:21

Nothing to add except custardo grin

Solo Fri 12-Aug-11 04:10:09

You lucky girl OP. I'd love to just have someone to cuddle up with or go on a proper date with. Sounds like you have it all really.

nightowlmostly Fri 12-Aug-11 04:38:58

I know how you feel, am in the same place with my DH, been together nine years. I miss the butterflies too and the idea of never having that first flush of excitement again upsets me a bit!

But, I know rationally that we are lucky to be together and happy after all this time, and we are so comfortable with each other. This is just the next phase, you trade the butterflies for something better, that closeness and knowing each other inside out. It is really worth it.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism Fri 12-Aug-11 06:46:49

The butterflies are just a chemical reaction to his pheromones. No chemical reaction lasts for six years, ergo, you are now into a more settled phase.

It has its own rewards and special times, and certainly in my marriage there have been times when I've wondered where it all went wrong, and then six months later felt deeply in love all over again.

Living with someone on a long term basis is about accepting those swings and roundabouts. Nothing ever stays the same - but that doesn't mean that it always gets worse!

TitsForBrains Fri 12-Aug-11 06:55:38

Custardo LMFAO grin

FellatioNelson Fri 12-Aug-11 07:05:40

Yep. As usual Custy has summed it all up perfectly in one sentence containing the word cunt. Arf.

Ephiny Fri 12-Aug-11 07:23:29

Sounds like you have a pretty good marriage actually. I'm not really sure what you mean by 'mystery' confused.

If there are certain 'exciting' things you'd like to be doing in the bedroom, why not tell him? You might find he'd like it too smile

Einsty Fri 12-Aug-11 08:03:32

Custardo LMFAO indeed

Malificence Fri 12-Aug-11 08:11:57

I don't think you really mean mystery, mystery would be wondering where he is at two o clock in the morning. wink

I think you mean that the spark has disappeared, over the course of a long marriage, it comes and goes, then comes back again.
There is a lot to be said for being settled and happy and you can always improve your sex life - if you want it to be more exciting then make it so, you have to be proactive , sex would be really boring if it stayed the same for years on end, it just takes a bit of effort to get out of the rut.

You haven't lost it (hopefully) it's just gone AWOL and needs roping and dragging back to the farm. wink

lagrandissima Fri 12-Aug-11 08:12:16

Novelty is precisely that - the excitement of the new. It's - by definition - impossible to have that all the time in a relationship, but it sounds like you have the basis of a healthy and fulfilling long term relationship in that you can be yourselves, laugh together, rely upon each other. All that and you (presumably) have been through the rigours of moving from being a couple to becoming a family.

If you are a secret romantic, perhaps you can do small things to 'reframe' how you see your relationship, e.g. get dressed up when you get a chance to go out together, making time to eat and talk together, do a bit of what new couples do (when you can). And stop comparing yourself to other couples - you never know what goes on behind closed doors. People who look madly in love may be totally miserable, and vice versa. Concentrate on the many positives in your marriage. Good luck!

Malificence Fri 12-Aug-11 08:15:39

I agree, using what you see of other couples as a yardstick for your own relationship is pointless and unnecessary.
A lot of people would love to have what you have - just remember that.

Bumblequeen Fri 12-Aug-11 10:43:11

Thanks for your advice. I do think about my dh's needs and like him to be happy. Think I am a little bored of the mundane elements that come with marriage. I crave excitement but it is up to me to bring this to our relationship.

Dh and I need to spend more quality time together without DD.

Malificence Fri 12-Aug-11 10:52:21

Take it from when I say that if you keep everything ticking over and remember that you're a couple while your kids are young, you will reap the rewards when they've grown up and buggered off grin.
28 years in and my DH still knows how to make me go weak at the knees.

didyouseewhatshedid Fri 12-Aug-11 11:54:09

I wouldnt worry too much OP. Most marriages get a bit dull when the initial fizz has worn off. People who pretend otherwise are usually doing just that - pretending.

michglas Fri 12-Aug-11 12:00:06

One of my friends was at the same stage as you, and they introduced date night once a fortnight. They would arrange to meet somewhere, so she had the thrill of getting ready and all that excitement. She said she would get the butterflies while walking into the bar/restaurant and scouring the room for him. It definitely put a spark back into their marriage.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Aug-11 17:45:17

Have an affair then, that'll satisfy your craving for excitement


Bumblequeen Fri 12-Aug-11 18:07:05

Anyfucker- your remark was totally uncalled for. I did not mention anything with regards to seeking to have an affair. It is possible to state your opinion without being nasty- try it some time! I am sure if a friend approached you with this issue you would not respond to her in this way.

Conversation over.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Aug-11 18:08:12

That wasn't very nice, was it ?

Sorry, love (bit of a bad day) < offers Hob Nob >

What I should have said is...your post sounds very princessy and like someone who is actually rather vulnerable to having her head turned by pretty words from some romantic chancer. Thus ruining an actual good thing.

Count your blessings is what I say.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Aug-11 18:10:24

romance is very over-rated and causes more heartbreak than anything, IMO

it is usually peddled by shark-like fuck-arounds who will use a "slightly bored and jaded" woman like you, chew her up and spit her out

all in the name of "excitement"

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