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I'm done, but is it right?

(12 Posts)
BronxCheer Thu 11-Aug-11 11:45:13

I've posted before regarding boozing DH - needless to say due to tiredness and possibly depression I haven't done anything...I have a 9 month old DS and 5 year old DD. My husband drinks at least a bottle of wine a night and spends most evenings in the garage smoking, drinking sometimes on phone. He pops in and out throughout the evening. When I last posted I realised we needed to go to relate - he refused "I spend my life in therapy". He sees a shrink once a month and cbt guy weekly following a big problem at his work which resulted in him moving jobs. It's more complicated than that but I can't go into the details here...anyway...I asked him to stop drinking, but he doesn't think it's a problem so wouldn't. He never gets up in am with children and thinks he does his fair share of 'jobs' around the house (bins, mowing, gardening, drilling etc). I "don't do that much" apparently. He gets up about 10ish when not going to work and pretends not to hear baby waking up. Both children are very mum-orientated - baby self-explanatory as still bfeeding, but the 5 year old too, although she will do some things with him she gets frustrated because during the day if he is doing something with her it invariably involves 15 min trips to garage for a smoke every 30 mins. He speaks to her in a faux enthusiastic voice instead of normally and doesn't speak to me during the day at all really - it's not rudeness it's complete indifference. He has been off work this week and has changed one nappy (baby not 5 yr old..). A few weeks ago DS said to me "dad doesn't really talk to you does he?" which shook me a little out of myself that even a 5 year old could validate what I was feeling, but an adult couldn't see it. DS doesn't sleep well and waking up 4 x night. I know controlled crying will sort this (unfortunately waited til DD was 2 before sorting her sleep so I know it works) but DH won't tolerate any crying and says "go in, he's upset" or goes in himself, picks him up, baby still crying then gives to me saying "I think he's hungry" so I can't even get any sleep at night. I know this is not helping me/relationship. The final straw came when I was looking at his mobile phone texts (I know I was wrong, but I was wondering what he was getting up to in garage all the time) and found one with no name assigned to it saying "do you want to meet up. Oh sorry forgot we can't meet til next millenium" with DH replying "I'll die if I don't see you soon. Do you want to meet up without x (work colleague) this time, or is that a bit forward" to which she replies "of course I want to meet you alone". So I've been putting up with his crap ffs and my gut feeling that he doesn't give a s**t about me is probably true. I sat on the info for 36 hours then cracked. First he said I was absolutely mad then later came back in from outside saying it was a colleague's secretary who had been through a lot of counselling for eating disorders and was very helpful to talk to someone who'd been thru what he had. Also I had "no f*****ng idea" what it was like for him. I said he didn't talk to me so how could I know. He then stormed out saying he also "couldnt get it up" so couldn't be having an affair ( we haven't had sex for maybe a year, but although I had noticed I assumed the bfeeding and tiredness was the reason and was, tbh, relieved the issue hadn't come up, as it were...). So next pm we had another talk and agreed to limit drinking (1 large bottle beer a night) and he has kept to it for 48 hours, but the text business is getting to me. I think I've had enough. I would like to go to relate (I am not perfect) but he won't and I'm beginning to think he has a personality disorder with lots of passive- aggressive tendencies. I can't talk to anyone as friends mostly mutual and family have their own stresses. I don't know what to do.

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Aug-11 12:14:14

What are you getting out of this relationship?

As soon as you said he was disappearing for 15 minutes at a time, I thought he'd be texting. Those are texts to a girlfriend, not to a colleague.

He doesn't speak to you, to the extent your child notices. You don't have sex. He drinks far too much. He smokes. He doesn't help with the children.

Please, please get out of this situation. You will be so much happier and so will your children.

BronxCheer Thu 11-Aug-11 12:18:28

The thing is he's got me thinking that he does do plenty and IABU to think he could do more. I've lost the plot with whether I am being rational.

ShoutyHamster Thu 11-Aug-11 12:30:01

Well yes, he could do a lot more. He could for a start show the slightest inkling to have a relationship with you. He could open his mouth and try conversing with you - his partner. He could show the slightest sign of being interested in something other than drinking, smoking and leading a life entirely separate from that of his family.

Don't lose sight of the big picture by fretting over how much he 'does', or doesn't, do. Are you happy? Do you love him? Do you think continuing with this nothing life with him will make your children happy?

Those are the important questions.

Being 'rational' is a loaded concept here, isn't it? I'm sure that if you said you wanted to split, he'd soon be shouting about how 'irrational' you are to want to 'destroy the family' etc. But you can, genuinely, strip it all back to the simple question of happiness. Because if this is really the situation, I cannot imagine that you are happy. And I cannot imagine that your children will grow up happy. Because it is a sad, sad, UNHAPPY excuse for a family.

That is enough. You don't have to tie yourself in knots justifying yourself to a person who shows not the slightest interest in you, who shows you not the slightest sign of respect. I have deliberately not brought up the question of who he is texting, because if I were in your shoes, by now I would not care. I can assure you RIGHT NOW that there is more to life than spending it with a man like this, in a relationship like this.

BronxCheer Thu 11-Aug-11 13:00:53

I agree the testing is completely irrelevant only snapped me out of my inertia. I really don't care whether he shagged her or not. How do I know my unhappiness is related to his behaviour? My mum is depressed on antiDs - how do I know?

BronxCheer Thu 11-Aug-11 13:01:23

Texting not testing ferret predictive typing

BronxCheer Thu 11-Aug-11 13:01:40

Sorry grrrrrr not ferret also...

wicketkeeper Thu 11-Aug-11 13:28:27

Next time he's in the garage, lock him in.

babyhammock Thu 11-Aug-11 21:49:21

or text him to tell him get off the phone to his girlfriend and find himself somewhere else to live..

BronxCheer Sat 13-Aug-11 12:07:12

Thanks for all the input...we had a long discussion and I asked him to move out and he agreed. Then whilst he sat outside the restaurant I couldn't do it. I went outside and said one more try. Unless things change that would be it. I realise from many of the other threads that one's gut instinct usually proves correct, but I have to give it one final try. I also realise there are bigger t**ts out there married to decent women but also that if a man is behaving like a moron he doesn't usually change - or if they do i haven't found those threads. At least if it does now go tits up I know there are plenty of inspirational women on the forum who have been through it. So far he's got up with baby in am, up before 9 otherwise, doing better Childcare and drinking less so we'll see.

squeakytoy Sat 13-Aug-11 13:57:27

Early days as you know, but at least he seems to be trying. I would insist that when he goes for a smoke, he does it outdoors, in view, without his phone. Hope it works out well for you. smile

ShoutyHamster Sun 14-Aug-11 16:40:50

Good luck Bronx

My head says you may well be wasting your time... BUT I'd be contradicting my earlier post if I was shouting at you to not give him this chance IF YOU TRULY WANT TO ... because what's really important is YOU. YOUR happiness, and therefore your kids' happiness. So - if you feel a deep need to be able to say 'I gave it everything I had', that's great. Give it to him both barrels, make it clear he's on his last chance, do what feels right for you.

In that case, you want to do a lot more exploring on those texts. Whatever he says, it was a dodgy situation. Be clear- say you're not a fool, you know he was up to no good - he's on his last chance here too.

BUT... this only works as long as you keep your wits about you and don't lose sight of the big picture, and your long-term happiness. If he can truly change, great - if he slips back, then you'll KNOW. For good. He cannot change. And if you then find yourself trying to come up with excuses why just one more chance is fair enough... then you're on the slippery slope. One more dodgy text would be enough here - that's the bit there must be NO more slippage on.

You've painted a picture of a crap situation - you've given him the chance to change it. It's up to him now!

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