Im not even sure where to begin but I am feeling so desperate and realise I need advice. I have been married for 16 years and with my DH for 17 years.
About 11 years ago (I was 28) I had two affairs within about 6 months (people from work). Why? I just dont know. I could say I was flattered by the attention or my DH this or that but honestly they would all be excuses. No we were not happily married (we had a very rough start) but that is not a good enough reason to excuse what I did.
One night (11 years ago) DH and I were chatting and I blurted out about the one affair (the one that was happening at that moment). All hell broke loose but we both decided to let it go and work on it. Obviously DH had a couple of months of screaming, shouting and being really angry (rightfully). I gave up work almost immediately to be a SAHM, had another baby a year later and am still at home.
The world scares the daylights out of me and I only ever leave the house when DH is with me. I never go out (not even to the shops) and have become a complete recluse. I avoid people and just concentrate on my immediate family.
In around March the 1st guy I had an affair with (the one I didnt tell dh about) opened a facebook profile and contacted me. It was just a "how are you doing" thing and so, so stupidly, I responded. After a couple of "hows business, etc" mails - I got a mail from his wife saying that she knew he had contacted me again and took off (rightfully). I then told DH about it all and he was obviously angry I hadnt told him about it at the time.
It was so long ago that I really dont know what to say other than I am so sorry. My life is so withdrawn and different now to what I was then that it honestly feels like someones elses story when I look back to that period in my life. Anyway, DH and I are ok really but here is the problem. I am not ok at all. I feel like I cannot live with myself. The shame, the guilt the absolute disgust at my promiscuity - I just dont know how to live with myself. I literally feel like I have a heavy load sitting on my back, I am having palpatations, I feel sick at what I did. I feel like I cant function in the world so just keep to myself.
I dont know why I did it in the first place and am terrified that it will happen again (It wont but the fear is there). When I was younger I thrived on attention and know that somewhere in me, that must still be there.
I dont know how to describe the impact that it has had on me and the hopelessness I am feeling. How do I move forward with the guilt and shame? I fear constantly that people are going to find out, someone will know someone, who will know. I feel less that everyone else and not worthy. Its become a living nightmare that I dont know how to get out of.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
My devastating affairs
howdoilive · 11/08/2011 08:34
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