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Don't know what to do now..

(14 Posts)
mumtoPau Thu 11-Aug-11 01:50:13


I have no idea what to do anymore and could use some advice. My daughter is now 8 months old and I have been in a relationship with her dad for about two years. During my pregnancy and the time before that we had no problems and rarely fought. I know relationships generally take their course and what it's like in the beginning isn't what it will be like forever but I never expected things to turn out the way they have.

Since the birth of the baby we have obviously argued more. I have had post natal depression but I know I can overcome this on my own - I don't want to take anything for it. I feel like I can get through this, he just brings me down a lot of the time. My issue is what he expects of me.

Do you think this is unfair?

I gave up my career to have the baby (my maternity pay has just ended). I have a credit card to pay off, a mobile phone bill and various expenses like travel so I do want to stay in some form of work to pay for these. My other half runs his own business which does extremely well. He pays the mortgage on his house and doesn't ask me for any money (for which I am grateful) and gives me a small amount for food each week (which I almost always have to subsidise). My issue is that this is always thrown back in my face.
All I ask is for a little support to help me find a way I can pay my own way in the house and for things for baby etc but he feels that he doesn't need to support me in any way - he says he pays for a roof over our heads, this should be enough. I don't think it's unfair to ask that he helps me figure out childcare for baby or a way to work from home.
I ended up accepting the fact that no matter how much I ask he will not help and am in the process of setting up my own business. My other half shows no interest in this (has no idea what my plan is), dismissing it completely. He constantly tells me that I have failed in everything at life, failed in our relationship, failed at my career etc...

I love him but I can't constantly cope with him bringing me down. I am not asking him for money merely help. If I leave him I will financially be better off claiming benefits until my business is up and running. I feel like I would be taking a massive risk and thanks to him destroying my confidence I don't know if I can do it anymore.

Any thoughts on what I should do?


p.s. sorry this is so long!!

lubeybooby Thu 11-Aug-11 01:57:44

This is financial abuse, you are meant to be a partnership and it's not on. What you are doing (having had and raising his child) has equal value and should be treated as such with equal rights to family income.

Dignified Thu 11-Aug-11 10:07:00

I agree with Lubey , this is financial abuse , its serious and deliberate , and it rareley occurs on its own , usually there are other forms of abuse occuring as well , it sounds like you are being emotionally abused also . It cant be fixed , abusers have a mentality that cannot be changed .

I presume your also expected to be a skivvy in the house and have sex with him whenever he feels like it . In your shoes i would speak to womens aid , i would find a place to rent and id move out . Youll be better off away from this man , you dont have to put up with it and its totally unreasonable .

joblot Thu 11-Aug-11 10:34:51

Sounds horrible for you, no wonder you're depressed.
Maybe try relate if you're not at the point where you want to split up? It doesn't sound as if he respects or likes you I'm afraid

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Aug-11 10:50:13

Oh you can't live like that, OP.

He's horribly abusive - if I were you I'd leave him on the fact he'd called you a failure, never mind anything else.

Please leave him. He won't improve. No amount of counselling will make him think differently, even if you managed to get a few pounds off him.

Find yourself somewhere else to live and yes, use the benefit system whilst you're getting back on your feet. That's what it's there for. And get in touch with the CSA - he won't want to have to pay for that but tough luck, eh?

Once you're settled you can think of your new business - I'm dying to know what it is!

lazarusb Thu 11-Aug-11 12:24:43

He won't support you because he likes where you are now - under his shoe where he can squash you whenever he feels like it. If anyone is failing your relationship, it is him. Do you have RL support OP?

mumsamilitant Thu 11-Aug-11 12:37:35

My Ex used to use money as a "tool" of abuse like your guy. Honey, he's using it as a massive form of control. I got shot of ex when son was almost a year old, claimed benefits for a couple of years until I was back on my feet. Won't say it was "dead" easy but it was a lot easier than I thought.

JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA Thu 11-Aug-11 12:43:31

He sounds awful - if I were you I'd get out now. In another years time you wont even be able to see how awful he is as he will have you believing he's right and you're a giant failure. Give you and your daughter a much better life and get out now.

buzzsore Thu 11-Aug-11 12:54:08

So he thinks you should pay for everything for the child you have together? He feels no responsibility to his own child other than paying for the house? He's not much of a father.

Really, I can't see what he's bringing into the relationship, other than misery. When you become a couple, when you become a family, there shouldn't be any 'my' money or one party struggling financially while the other is comfortable - you're supposed to be in it together.

AnyF Thu 11-Aug-11 12:56:43

Your depression will lift when you get away from this abusive man

Essentially he treats you like an unpaid housekeeper/childminder/whore and does his best to ruin your self-esteem

Please don't have any more children with him, this will get worse

best to get out now, before you get in any deeper

wicketkeeper Thu 11-Aug-11 13:47:23

I love him but

What exactly do you love sweetheart?

You're grateful that <he> doesn't ask <you> for money. Wow, that's very decent of him. He sounds like he is actually expecting you to exist on thin air. If he thinks that all he needs to do is provide a roof over your head, then I suggest you find a different roof and let him pay for that.

Interesting that you refer to it as 'his house'.

He shows no interest in your business. No honey, he shows no interest in you <at all>

Oh - and another point, if his business is doing well, does he realise that it would be more tax efficient for you to be a co-director - that way you would both be earning, and making the most of the tax system. But, of course, that would involve him giving you some of his earnings. He would rather give money to the Inland Revenue than to you. Think about that.

I think you do know what to do - but you're afraid of doing it. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

SheCutOffTheirTails Thu 11-Aug-11 23:52:03

Why did you give your career to have the baby?

Is that what he wanted you to do?

SheCutOffTheirTails Thu 11-Aug-11 23:53:55

Maybe it is his house?

It doesn't sound like they're married, so if it's a house he bought and she just moved in there when they got together, then referring to it as "his house" is accurate.

wicketkeeper Fri 12-Aug-11 09:17:01

Probably it is his house. OP??

For me, the fact that the OP refers to it as 'his' house encapsulates all the problems she is having. If this is the house that she lives in, then it is her house, her home, and if she doesn't feel she can talk about it like that then that is serious.

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