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To separate from dp because I can't have a life of my own?

(202 Posts)
Ja3 Wed 10-Aug-11 20:02:06

Been with dp for 6 years and we have 2dc, but throughout this time all our arguments have been based around things I do to just try and be me which isn't very often.

For example going on facebook, talking to ex's or guys in general, going out with certain girlfriend's he doesn't approve of etc....

As much as I love him and want us to be together it seems that I can't have a life of my own separate from our relationship and it's making me feel trapped (at 24yrs old) and resentful as he does all the above and more without me complaining.

So I just wanted to know AIBU?

YANBU.

clam Wed 10-Aug-11 20:04:42

So what is his reasoning for doing all those things himself but yet objecting to you doing so?

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin Wed 10-Aug-11 20:05:59

Talk to him, see if he can understand that he's smothering you.
If he can't or won't change, then YANBU. I couldn't live like that, and neither could my OH.

IreneHeron Wed 10-Aug-11 20:15:25

You shouldn't put up with that kind of thing, it is not part of a healthy relationship. Hope you're ok.

Ja3 Wed 10-Aug-11 20:22:12

clam- he blames it on my promiscuous past before he knew me and says that
because he didn't have fun like I did I can't possible understand how these things make him feel as all his friendships are innocent e.g no history

and that if I did tell him not to talk to someone or not to do something he would listen, but I'm not like that and don't think you should have to tell your partner what they can and can't do.

P.O.G- we have spoken and it seems the only conclusion is to split up as he doesn't want the burden of me not having a life on his shoulders but also thinks I've got my priorities wrong if these things are so important to me

AnyFucker Wed 10-Aug-11 20:22:43

You should leave him

Why would you limit your life in this way for the sake of a man ?

clam Wed 10-Aug-11 20:26:42

Who has defined your "past" as promiscuous?

Ja3 Wed 10-Aug-11 20:29:55

AnyFucker- Your so right I should never of got involved from the beginning when he told me to take my piercings out or he cant be with me but I was 18 and he was the best guy I had met at the time

now 6 years down the line and two kids involved its harder to just up and leave when you've been so used to living a certain way

Im not financially dependent or tied to him in any way other than the kids but I am really scared of being on my own now as I have totally lost who I am

Ja3 Wed 10-Aug-11 20:34:59

Clam- he has, but maybe it was my fault for being so honest with him as I didn't want other people filling his head with gossip and I wanted to him to get into this excepting me for who I am

but that backfired and my my past is always being dragged into conversations

AnyFucker Wed 10-Aug-11 20:37:15

You can find yourself again

he is stifling you, but it's not too late to get you back

Imagine still being with him in 20 years ....

How downtrodden and demoralised would you be then ?

Don't let fear hold you back. If you are not financially dependent on him, you are in a good position, love

Leave him behind....you have outgrown him and his control of you

He will try and make you stay, so you will have to be strong, get lots and lots of support in RL, stop covering for him, and make your plans carefully

But you can do it

Do it for your kids...do you want them to grow up thinking this is how men treat women ?

Portofino Wed 10-Aug-11 20:43:11

No-one should be telling you what you can and can't do on a day to day basis. I would say that chatting to ex bfs on fb is NEVER a good idea, generally though.

Alarm bells would ring in that he has expected you to change to meet his "requirements". I would not put up with that.

You are so young. Is he the same age?

Mare11bp Wed 10-Aug-11 20:43:17

Love that.....doesn't want the burden of you having no life on his shoulders but in any event that would be your fault anyway as your priorities are all wrong.

What a manipulative fucker.

If you still love him then for the sake of the kids I would try and talk to him with a view to him moderating his behaviour.

Otherwise I would be off like a shot.

Ja3 Wed 10-Aug-11 20:47:47

AnyFucker- Thankyou so much for your words of wisdom it's really appreciated I don't really have many friends in rl to talk to as most people think he's the perfect guy due to his showman persona but despite his good qualities this is too much for me to live with

We decided to separate last night so he's at work right now and will go to his place 2nite after he's passed by to talk 2 me

I know I need to stay strong but im just at a loss of what to do now or how to get my life back on track for the kids more than anything without staying with him

He even said that after a month of me living my life he will see if he likes the new me and decide if we should get back together

Mare11bp Wed 10-Aug-11 20:52:14

Oh, how noble of him.

Ja3 Wed 10-Aug-11 20:54:31

Portofino-yeah I know the facebook thing is bad but i do it out of loneliness I lost contact with all my male friends for him yet he has females in his life all the time, yet when I mention it to him he just says its different for him

it doesnt help that he's a personal trainer but I just have to trust him he's 25 btw

Mare11- We've discussed him altering his behaviour but its just met with spite where he's like you know these things hurt me so if you hurt me I'll hurt you

AnyFucker Wed 10-Aug-11 20:56:23

He even said that after a month of me living my life he will see if he likes the new me and decide if we should get back together

who the fuck does he think he is ?

oh, these arrogant but inadequate little men really get on my wick

you won't realise it now, but you are doing yourself, and the kids, the most massive favour right now

if you were my daughter (and I am old enough to be your mother) I would be very proud of you

what do your parents think of him ?

You need to start telling people wht he is really like

jumped-up little pricks showmen rarely fool everyone all of the time, I think you will get some very revealing reactions when you start to disclose how bad he has been

squeakytoy Wed 10-Aug-11 21:00:00

Im not financially dependent or tied to him in any way other than the kids but I am really scared of being on my own now as I have totally lost who I am

Then you need to re-find who you are! or reinvent yourself, to be what YOU want to be. You are so young, you have years and years yet, most girls your age arent even settled down yet.

Dont settle for second best, aim for higher, and you can get it!

HellonHeels Wed 10-Aug-11 21:00:26

I hope that after a month of living your life you will like the new you enough to feel confident about NOT getting back with him.

AnyFucker Wed 10-Aug-11 21:01:56

ha ! I frigging guarantee it...

Ja3 Wed 10-Aug-11 21:03:29

My dad likes him and is fooled by the act but everyone else my mum, sister, cousin, aunt etc they despise him and try to be civil just for my sake but he never comes to family events and always goes out/ in another room when they visit which I hate

(my parents are divorced btw so I don't no if that has anything to do with my dad liking him)

AnyFucker Wed 10-Aug-11 21:06:23

perhaps your dad is blind to him because he shares some of his characteristics ?

just a thought, not wanting to slag your dad off

mine is absolute twat, btw

Mare11bp Wed 10-Aug-11 21:06:49

He conveniently shifts the responsibility for all this onto you, whereas in fact he is the one BU.

Unless he is prepared to accept his own shortcomings and moderate his behaviour I feel that no one could continue to put up with this.

Ja3 Wed 10-Aug-11 21:08:48

HellonHeels - That's the thing he has a way of manipulating me and making me feel like no one else will want me

My dd is 1yr old and while I was pregnant we split for a year as he had convinced himself through my facebook that I had cheated and she wasnt his

at that point I was so determined to get myself back and just focus on me and the kids I was doing so well but somehow he managed to win me back I just dnt want the same thing to happen

FreudianSlipper Wed 10-Aug-11 21:09:47

it will be scary at first but you can do it so many do and manage to go on to live much happier lives

regret what you do not what you don't do. it is so easy to settle because it is comfortable but you can make your life better with a bit of hard work and a few tears they will all be worth it

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