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Back in limbo land - advice needed please xx

(12 Posts)
kate1984 Wed 10-Aug-11 15:23:19

I posted on her a couple of months ago as my husband had just upped and left me and our son saying that he no longer loved me. He had been diagnosed with depression but was 100% convinced it was all my fault. I was struggling quite a bit and you were all very supportive. I hit ‘rock bottom’ about a month ago and since them have been very strong and getting on with my life. I moved my husbands things out of the house and did other positive changes to make myself and my new life with just me and my son feel more positive – I also continued to go to relate on my own.

I have been in regular contact with my in-laws and sister-in-law and my husband has been very withdrawn from them and told them he is doing a lot of thinking. He has now realised that it was nothing to do with our relationship / marriage or me and that his depression has steamed from his inability to talk to anyone about how he is feeling – in his words things built up and exploded.

He completely shocked me 2 weeks ago by asking to come to relate with me – obviously I agreed as I still love him and want things to work – there seems no reason for us to split. He attended relate and communicated quite a bit, afterwards we had a good chat in the car park.

So the situation I am now in is whether I wait around while he decides what he wants to do with his life – he is still taking his medication and attending cognitive behavioural therapy (he has only had one session). He said he wants to focus on this therapy before he decides what he wants to do about us – he doesn’t want to run before he can walk (again his words) his family don’t want me to give up on us and I don’t either but feel so frustrated and out of control as there is nothing that I can do to help resolve this situation. Also I find it hard accepting that I have to wait around for him to decide whether he wants to be with me or not – he said the thought of me shutting the door on us scares him but if it scares him that much why not just take a leap of faith and go for it??? We both want to take things back to basics and ‘date’ again rather than him just moving back home but he just wont commit to it until he feels ready – I know that this is a responsible thing for him to do but it is also a dangerous game as I get stronger everyday and he knows this.

Oh I don’t know what to do – I know I love him and want my family back together but I also remember how I felt knowing that he loved me so much and now have to wait while he decides whether he still does – any advice???

HELP ME PLEASE!!!! Kate xxx

MrGin Wed 10-Aug-11 15:38:43

It sounds much more positive. This is good.

You're not out of the woods, but even if you did take the hard road and wait for him, and he let you down, you would at least know you did everything possible to keep your family together.

But nobody wants to be in limbo. I think you either need to set a time limit and tell him, or set a time limit and keep it quiet, But keep to the time limit. You can't go on for years like that.

How long you wait it out is I think only a question you can answer.

good luck

AKissIsNotAContract Wed 10-Aug-11 16:04:00

Sorry you are going through this OP.
Was/is there another woman involved?

kate1984 Wed 10-Aug-11 16:06:17

No - absolutley no other woman involved, he has been at his parents since he left and has hardly been out. he spends most evenings in his old bedroom.

buzzsore Wed 10-Aug-11 16:18:55

I think MrGin's right about setting a time limit - if you can cope on your own, going to Relate with him and perhaps dating him a bit, then go for that, but have in your mind that if he stops therapy/medication or makes no progress in the next six months, then that'll be it and you'll move on with your life without him. I think you should make sure you start building yourself up with a new social life or course or something yourself, so you're not just hanging, waiting for him to come good - get a new focus and live for yourself & the kids in his absence.

totallylost Wed 10-Aug-11 16:48:55

Hi Kate, you may remember I went through something very similar recently. Here's what I did. I carried on with life without him, seeing friends and enjoying doing what I liked doing and even had a few dates which made me realise I wasn't quite ready to give up on DH. I set a time limit in my head, to be honest DH could probably not have coped with me giving him a time limit although I did warn him that I didn't know if I could wait for him indefinitely. We are now working on being back together and he spends most of his time with me although he has not officially moved back in (his tenancy lasts til early October).

The turning point for him came when he stopped his medication and, in his words, started feeling again and panicked about what he was on the verge of losing.

ducati Wed 10-Aug-11 17:01:15

kate1984, i have been in very similar situation to yours. husband had massive mental breakdown over 2 years ago, wanted to move out immediately, then wouldn't move out when I had had enough and wanted him to go. He even got to point of renting a flat and then refusing to move into it. it was awful. I ended up on more medication than him after a year for anxiety (didnt even know it was a condition til i had it)

Anyway after about 18 months (yes i know, a long time) he said he wanted to try again, still loved me etc etc, was hugely sorry and that is where we are now. so in short, 1) I do regret that he didn't move out, as it would have given me space and time to collect myself which you now have but b) I don't regret keeping open the chance of a reconciliation, even tho I am by no means certain we are going to make it long term. At least I have given it my best shot etc etc. When mental health problems are involved, I think there is an argument for making allowances and cutting some slack esp if you still love him.

Also, I totally understand that it feels like limbo land with him making all the decisions, but I would suggest you prepare for a future on your own. It will help save your sanity and pride. Even tho my dh was still living at home, that was what really helped me get thru. I planned holidays for dcs and me with other friends so I had something to look forward to, worked harder at my job to keep busy and make sure I would have options if we did split in terms of own income etc, and kind of got ready to go back on market again, smartened up and even went on a few dates (good for confidence). Maybe look at it as parallel planning. Keep the door open for him, go for dinner with him, to Relate etc but do not bank on a reconciliation and prepare for a different future.

kate1984 Wed 10-Aug-11 18:54:36

Thank you all so much for your advice - as ever this is such a supportive place to vent / post / rant!!

I think I am going to try and conitnue with building my own life as it was the thing that was keeping me strong but keep the door open for a reconcilation until I am ready to call a day on things - I do love him and we have such a long history together (I have been with him since i was 18) that I feel like I have to do everything to save it.

I will keep you posted Love Kate xxxxx

TotallyLost - I am really pleased things are moving in the right direction for you xx

lovesmybed Wed 10-Aug-11 22:27:32

Hi I am in a similar situation to you except that we are further in the process of getting back together. My husband has finally excepted he needed help dealing with his depression and is talking to a counsellor. He left me when he was feeling down like you and it took him 4 months to realise how he felt.
Like you I knew that his problems stemmed from his depression, although other people on mums net have screamed at me that he has another women and he is taking the piss out of me I have stuck with him but also tried to maintain some boundaries and my own independent life, going out with friends, starting new hobbies, which has been important.
I think that issuing ultimatums to someone with depression is the wrong thing to do, I tried to do this and it all back fired. Just take your time, enjoy being together, make sure you are moving forward, even if this is a slow process.
Another really important thing is to protect yourself emotionally if you can. I have hardened my heart a little and it is no bad thing.
I too have been with my husband since college and knew we had too much of a good thing to give up on. We have had many hard challenges together including massive debts and a death of a close family member of his. I am not excusing what he did to me but I am understanding and there is a difference.
Keep with it, don't give up on your marriage (I am glad I didn't) but remember to look after yourself.
Good luck xxx

Saffysmum Thu 11-Aug-11 07:14:08

Hi - I remember your old thread too.

I think that it is a horrible place to be, limbo-land. What is horrible about your limbo land is that you feel you have no control, and you are at the mercy of your H's decision.

I appreciate that you still love him, and that he has MH issues. It's good that he recognises these, and is seeking help. It's early days for him though, so I think there's no rush.

If I was you, I think I would keep rebuilding my life, surround myself with lots of other people and activities, and keep planning a better future for you and dc. This will fill your time and boost your confidence. I would promise him nothing, but tell him you'll see how it goes. So then you will have the best of both worlds; if things don't work out with him, and he decides he doesn't want to come back, you will have a better life in place, and if things do work out, then you will also have a fuller life which he could be included in.

The danger here is that you relinquish control, sit around and wait, and he decides he doesn't want to come back. So you must take control of your life and let him sort out his - and then both of you decide what you want. You might surprise yourself - you might decide that although he will always be DCs dad - that's all you want from him.

Take the time he needs to get better to take stock for yourself. Use the time to reflect and do what you want to do. It doesn't have to be all or nothing; don't put your life on hold - support him, encourage him to get help and promise him nothing at this stage. Small steps.

skiddy Sun 14-Aug-11 18:02:35

I am in a very similar situation. My husband has had a nervous breakdown and moved out of our home, he says he loves us and doesn't want to lose us but he needs space to sort himself out. We have a counsilling session booked for this week which is hopefully the start of his recovery.

He is saying he thinks we will all be back together by Christmas but like you I feel like im in limbo land and dont know what to do.

I really do love my husband and I wont us to be a family this is just sole destroying. xx

belagh Sun 14-Aug-11 18:58:34

I am also in same boat.
We were going to couple counselling but the counsellor has advised him to get one to one then come back when he is feeling better
I am at the point of giving up now

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