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Please help me get some perspective WRT what I owe STBXH behaviour wise

(7 Posts)
EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Tue 09-Aug-11 20:33:15

because I'm at sea. We split for the first time last summer after he effectively abandoned me for 3 months with DS while he was in another (his home) country and 'couldn't' come back each time he promised for some reason or other. Very humiliating and hurtful for me. Caused a lot of resentment and anger. We stayed split for 2-3 months during which time I assumed we would get back together but I also had a fling without telling him. We got back together, then he found out about fling. Pretty terrible behaviour on my part, no doubt. We moved house during this time, and he went on the tenancy (rented) though down on the reference as SAHP. (I pay rent)

He was emotionally abusive to me and I feel had the potential to be physical, though it was me who assaulted him twice. Yes, the relationship was toxic and wrong. Anyway, we split again in June after spending half the year already apart. I have had about three nights out since and got very drunk (I work f/t, pay pretty much everything, have had foreign students, do everything practical related to DS etc, I have a full and responsible life) and two of those times I slept with someone. Pretty daft, but hey, nobody got hurt. I have also been texting the guy I had a fling with. I did erase his number when I finished it but after H and I split I trawled back through phone bills and found it. This guy is lovely and not demanding/expecting anything of me, works away most of the time, I just want to go out for dinner with him.

Apparently someone saw me with someone and told H. I'm assuming it was this last weekend as he has been behaving oddly since then. H must have been through my phone because he thinks it was fling guy I was with. I didn't disabuse him. He shouted at me, told me I have hurt him, demanded we go to consulate on friday to start divorce proceedings, (married abroad) called me a hooker, was generally vile. He said his values mean he could never even kiss anyone else while he is still married to me. I feel bad that he's hurt (though I believe it's about being hurt rather than the fact we are still married, he's using the marriage thing as an excuse IMO) but I don't know how much I owe him. Should I tell him I have a date? Should I tell him if I sleep with someone? Should I remain celibate until we are divorced? What do I owe him?

Ishould add we are still living together for the time being (Unavoidable, big house, spare room, was completely fine until this happened) and I would never expect him to be looking after DS while I was with someone else, I had made babysitting plans this last weekend (though shag was unexpected) and also for when I meet up with fling.

I'm sorry this is epically long but I really don't know how I should behave, what I owe him and what I don't. I'd be happy for him to move on with someone else.

MrsHicks Tue 09-Aug-11 20:42:50

I think that while you are living together you owe him as much discretion as possible. I don't think you need to be celibate or not see anyone else, but I would be as discreet and sensitive as you can be. And also try sort out the living arrangement. I lived with my ex for 4 months after we split and it was much better once we lived apart.

FabbyChic Tue 09-Aug-11 21:13:27

You neither love this man or respect him or yourself. You had a fling, then over the space of two or three nights you fucked someone else.

Let the man have his divorce for gods sake then you can fuck who you like when you like without it hurting any body else.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Tue 09-Aug-11 21:17:37

I had a fling last year. In June I slept with someone (not a stranger) and this weekend I slept with someone else (also not a stranger)

I never said I wouldn't agree to a divorce, we planned for him to sort it when he went home in Sept, it's only since he found out about last weekend that he's demanding we go to consulate this week. I won't be going to london on friday if the riots are still going on anyway.

Thanks though, it's good to have opinions.

solidgoldbrass Wed 10-Aug-11 08:39:59

If you are separated you can sleep with an entire football team and it's none of his business. However, if you are living in the same house as him it's generally best to be discreet about any other men - and if he finds out and starts moaning, remind him that it's none of his business but that you are not rubbing his nose in it.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions Wed 10-Aug-11 11:15:02

Oh SGB I <3 you <validated>

We spoke last night, he apologised but then said he basically expects me to live as if we are married until we get divorced. Yeah right.

I have been discreet, in that I snogged someone in a club when he wasn't there, and as far as I knew nobody he knew was there. He knows a lot of people though who may know my picture from FB but who I may have never met. I have also been looging off FB and keeping my mobile with me at home but if he chooses to snoop that's not my fault is it?

solidgoldbrass Thu 11-Aug-11 13:40:49

Yes, remind him that he is entitled to your opinion but it's of no relevance to you, you are separated and will do as you see fit.

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