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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Why do men do this...dissapearing act??

72 replies

Betty79 · 09/08/2011 18:56

Just need a rant and to get this off my chest really. Been dating someone since early June that I met off a dating site (started chatting in may) so not that long. Just seeing each other as and when, had some lovely dates...always got on well, lots in common. Nothing physical happened until a few weeks ago, until then it was just kisses good night. I wasnt really that attracted to him at first and he grew on me really. Anyway to cut a long story short he suggested we have a night out, and as he works early shifts he took the day off. Had a lovely night out and I stayed over at his. This is where things seem to have gone wrong. He started backing off, cancelled next date, then ignored me. So I must admit I sent him a text saying he had suprised me and I didnt think he was like that, as I genuinely didnt.

Anyway after telling him what I thought, he tried to tell me he had just been busy! Which you might say is fair enough, but when someone has been texting you every day since may always making all the first moves and they suddenly cant even be bothered to text you back it doesnt sit right. So we didnt text for a week. I ended up texting him a week later, and he replied saying he used to get accused of all sorts from his ex so just ignores everything now and thats why he ignored me.

So we starting talking again and I suggested we do something for his birthday which was last week. He then invited me to his place, made me dinner and we sat chatting all night, I stayed over again. He went away at weekend and I havent heard from him since! I text him sun to ask if he had a nice weekend, then casually sent another yesterday...nothing...nada??

I just dont get it, how can a man go from spending a lovely evening with someone, telling them how lovely they are, how nice they look to ignoring them? Is it me or is it just weird behaviour. I could understand if we didnt have much in common and conversation had been stale, but it wasnt. Is it just a man thing, or am I missing something?

OP posts:

Report

lubeybooby · 09/08/2011 18:59

He is playing you OP I'm sorry. Time to start moving on and don't contact him.

Betty79 · 09/08/2011 19:10

yep think you are right, i wont be contacting him and will block his number in case he decides in another week he fancies some again

OP posts:

HairyGrotter · 09/08/2011 19:15

Yup, walk away from this one. He's acting a bit of a div so I wouldn't bother with spending anymore energy on it.

lubeybooby · 09/08/2011 19:24

Good move betty, I've been there and learnt as I went along. I don't put up with any of this rubbish now. I can't answer why they do it, but I sure know how to react now.

ScarlettIsWalking · 09/08/2011 19:26

Some guys usually do this after they have shagged you. they have had what they wanted and are no longer interested. It is classic stuff

ameliagrey · 09/08/2011 19:27

It's a power thing- they love the thrill of the chase then when they get what they want- it's like "Oh I can mess you about a bit now."

It's horrible.

But try to move on.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2011 19:27

Please don't continue making the first move, you are compromising yourself

Not all men are like this, most men actually have manners

If he isn't that into you, he should be honest. If he sees you purely as a booty call when there isn't much on the telly, he should be honest about that too.

It certainly doesn't sound as if there is anything else in it for him.

Best to move on.

AlfalfaMum · 09/08/2011 19:29

Oh god, I've had a few of these. I don't know, some men are just spineless.
Don't waste any more attention on him!

SheCutOffTheirTails · 09/08/2011 19:33

Why on earth did you get back in touch after he basically told you that he hated women and would ignore you any time you displeased him?

Betty79 · 09/08/2011 19:37

Yep I know you are all right, and I just cant believe i let it happen! I really had my guard up at first and genuinely wasnt really that interested, never used to text him first until he said he didnt think i was that interested. So I made a little more effort, but still let him do majority of contact. Think thats where he probably starting turning the tables on me. Anyway I know I deserve better and I wouldnt put up with that, just am sooo tempted to tell him he's a knob....but i wont!

OP posts:

Betty79 · 09/08/2011 19:39

shecutofftheirtails-no idea lol....stupid i know!!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 19:42

Oh no, Betty, you MUST tell him he's a knob!

Don't get in touch with him. If he contacts you, just text back saying, "Sorry, I gave you another chance to stop being an idiot and you didn't take it."

Whatmeworry · 09/08/2011 19:59

You were the bigger person, so dont feel bad - but move on now and don't pursue.

oleblueeyes · 09/08/2011 20:17

All the advice you have received is correct. I'm a bloke and have done this. It probably is all the 'chase' thing.
Dunno why, but it just seems to go that way sometimes.

xkittyx · 09/08/2011 20:51

That's a vile way to treat another human being, oleblueeyes.

oleblueeyes · 09/08/2011 21:14

Murder, rape, physical abuse, torture, bullying, exploitation, intimidation and sexual assault are all 'vile' ways to treat another human being.
I'm not so sure shagging and disappearing quite fall into that category.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2011 21:20

oleblueeyes, I sincerely hope you have been on the receiving end of such casual cruelty yourself, mate

xkittyx · 09/08/2011 21:34

Just mild cuntiness then oleblueeyes?

solidgoldbrass · 09/08/2011 21:36

It isn't very nice behaviour given that he would have to be exceedingly dim not to have realised that you were seeing this situation as a progressing relationship, but he didn't ever say anything to the effect that 'We are now a couple', either, did he?
For some people it's all about the thrill of the chase, for others (and please don't take this as an insult) it's only when you've shagged someone that you realise that, actually, you're Not That Into the person. Don't waste any more effort or energy on this one, he is Not That INto You and this won't improve.

ninah · 09/08/2011 22:14

betty is this the alton towers chap? cos, no, you weren't that keen to begin with, and he did his utmost to pursue you, so I don't blame you for feeling royally pssd off
you can do a lot better i promise you m'love

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 09/08/2011 23:27

Betty Your conscience is clear, you are the better person. I've no idea why men do this or other things that are as equally pathetic. I think they just don't want to get into a row discussion that they perceive as nagging. So, when it looks like it's going that way, it's back to the cyber Candy Store...

What they fail to understand is that ultimately all women will 'question' certain behaviour, and so it goes on...

Oleblueeyes Fair play to you for being honest...an honest wanker..

Whatmeworry · 10/08/2011 00:32

I know more than woman who has done this too, before we all get on our high horses laydeez

[ashamed emoticon]

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Betty79 · 10/08/2011 06:51

Ninah- yes it's the Alton towers bloke (2nd date was Alton towers for anyone wondering) and yes I can do better, doesnt stop me feeling pissed off but I'm on holiday next week so will have forgotten all about it in no time!

OP posts:

thesunshinesbrightly · 10/08/2011 07:10

My friend gets treated alot like this... i wouldn't worry about it move on and perhaps get to know the man first.

Enjoy your holiday.

weejimmykrankie · 10/08/2011 07:32

He's just not that into you. That's a fair enough realisation to come to after a few dates, when things start to get a bit more serious. However instead of being honest about it he's avoiding confrontation by giving "not interested" signals and hoping you'll get the message. That's rotten of him, but to be honest it's human nature - I am not proud of it but I have acted in a similar way with a bloke in the past.

Move on and you'll find someone you click properly with and it will all come naturally. In the meantime, something to take to the next relationship - I have learned that text is a VERY bad way of communicating. If you let a man get into a pattern of communicatiing via text and not picking up the phone he will find it very easy to cut off contact. It gives an illusion of a relationship but, if you think about it, it's a little bit odd to be seeing someone but not actually to talk to them very much, particularly when you want to say something like " I find what you did surprising". Keep text for last minute " I'm on my way", "meet you outside the post office" type stuff and the odd naughty message for him to peek at while he's in a boring meeting but, other than that, TALK.

Oh and read the book "He's just not that into you". It's written by a man who answers the exact question you asked.

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