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Little niggles that make you think 'i wonder what it would be like to be with someone else'

(15 Posts)
IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws Tue 09-Aug-11 13:37:23

Ok, first of all, I'm not being abused or badly treated or anything like that. I often read those threads and think that compare to relationships like that, mine is perfect. I know my problems are very minor compared to those women and I am greatful for that.

However, having said that, after seven years with dh I am really starting to get bothered by the minor issues. Just stuff like he isn't as interested in books, news, current affairs and stuff like that in the same way that I am. We can't go to the cinema any more because we hate each others film choices. We try to have a debate about a contentous issue and it turns into a big argument because his views tend to be less liberal. He is mean about my cooking but I will eat anything he cooks without complaint.

These are all minor things but I do wonder what life would have been like if we had never got together. I think we would have split up in the early days if we hadn't rushed into the commitment of a house together so early on.

Its not abuse or anything, but its still something that bothers me. Just wondering if anyone else has experience of this and what they did about it.

Ps- we have a baby together so a break up isn't very high up my priority list.

EternalPie Tue 09-Aug-11 14:50:10

I think it's important to have mutual interests and things to talk about. One of the major issues in my last relationship was that DP and I were on a totally different wavelength with just about everything. He would make stupid homophobic/racist comments which just left me questioning his intelligence. I wouldn't even lower myself as to get into an argument about it. We couldn't discuss books because the most advanced thing he'd ever read was Harry Potter. He also used to critisise my cooking whilst I believe that if a person has cooked for you, you bloody well appreciate it and so I'd never say a word against his cooking. We also had the cinema issue. I wanted to see comedy/romance/action etc and he wanted to see the bloody lightening thief and Harry Potter. I started to feel like I was living with another child and when I began having better conversations with another man I knew than with DH I found myself wishing I didn't have to go home to boring old DP. That's when I knew I had to end it, for both our sakes.

EternalPie Tue 09-Aug-11 14:51:04

DP sorry, not DH.

IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws Tue 09-Aug-11 15:13:34

Thanks Pie, its great to have another opinion.

An0therName Tue 09-Aug-11 16:04:01

Hmm - but everyone has annoying habits when you have been with them for a while - even you!
I have the cinema thing too mind
are there things you do have in common - maybe try and do some of them - and if you have a baby maybe try and get a bit of time without baby that can help

Rosiegirl Tue 09-Aug-11 17:15:31

I am you grin. I often wonder how/why I married him in the first place. We are so totally different, to the point that I really don't want to stay with him too much longer. We also have children, but they are now older and quite frankly the feeling is "as soon as they are gone - so will I" tends to cross my mind more than once.

He is also, negative, miserable, moans about everyone, everyone is out to get us, I have to be at his side at family do's but he always make excuses not to come to mine. He will have the TV on all day even if not watching it, I'd rather listen to the radio or read a book. He rarely showers, I need one daily, as mentioned by Eternal his constant lack of empathy/tolerance of others embarrasses me, ditto with the cinema thing. Meals to me have always been a time of socialising, catching up, but to him if the kids talk, they get told to be quiet and eat dinner, or if its just us dinner is in front of the TV. We have NO mutual friends, anyone I have tried to introduce him to have quite frankly never come back, he doesn't like to socialise, I love to meet new people and talk. I could go on forever.

Like you its not horrific, but we just seem to exist together rather than have a relationship, and while the kids are around it goes on, but when they aren't I cannot see us staying together which is rather sad.

Ragwort Tue 09-Aug-11 17:20:32

I sympathise - my DH has turned into a really grumpy old man from the sociable, outgoing, community minded man I met (many) years ago.

I just keep reminding myself that I am sure I have changed an awful lot too and I am probably no longer the wife he once adored grin.

His saving grace is that he really is a fantastic dad to our son - although it doesn't sound like it from what I've posted above (he will go out and about with him) - clearly he is much fonder of his son than his wife sad.

AnyFucker Tue 09-Aug-11 17:24:27

Don't you think you would have "little niggles" with someone else too ?

They might be different ones, but after the "honeymoon period" they would appear, sure as eggs is eggs

btw, some of these niggles related on this thread don't sound "little" at all, to me

LaLaLaLayla Tue 09-Aug-11 17:27:59

Yep. I often feel like walking out even though prima facie my DH is a fantastic husband. My problem with him is he doesn't communicate, he's secretive, he won't talk about anything. We've been together 10 years and he is still a stranger.

On balance, I should not have married him.

shocked2 Tue 09-Aug-11 18:08:48

Rosiegirl, you are married to my dh grin. I sometimes wonder why it is that the person I have to spend every evening with (kids are 5, 7 and 9 and asleep upstairs at that point) is the person constantly working on his laptop, with TV on, who can hardly be bothered to have a conversation with me, and whom I can't open up to at all sad.

IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws Tue 09-Aug-11 18:51:34

Rosie, I have to say that yours sounds a lot worse than mine. In fact they shouldn't really be compared. I am sad for you that yours had scared away potential friends.

Any fucker, you are of course right. There are many annoying things about me I am sure, and you are right to say I would be annoyed too if I was with someone else. I will try to focus on his good points. He is a great dad. We sometimes have good conversations. Er... There are probably others that I can't think of right now.
Really interesting to get everyone elses perspective on this.

RedGreenBlue Thu 11-Aug-11 00:30:30

Little niggles? God, yeah.

- has no interest in any sport (I do) and gets annoyed at any being on the TV or god forbid me playing any (result: I have no hobbies)
- totally lacks any energy or enthusiasm for anything (result: they have no hobbies)
- complains about the tiniest thing, like I'm an idiot
- expects me to be constantly on the go at home and gives me grief if I need to bring work home (occasionally), but it's all just a joke if they go off to "do a few bits upstairs" and just go to sleep
- has no appreciation of money management
- thinks car boots are fun

But I'm sure all relationships are like that, aren't they.

Er. Aren't they?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 11-Aug-11 06:36:31

IShouldHave, I know this is a cliche, but this is what stood out to me in your original post:

seven years

Seven year itch. I don't know why it's a Thing, but it very often is. It was, absolutely, for me. I wondered whether a more adventurous partner would have made a difference, how I could live with someone who has to have the TV on all evening every evening, what it would've been like to marry someone who was more of a traditional breadwinner type who wore a suit and had a Terribly Impressive Job.

And then I got over it and remembered that I love a million things about DH and always will.

Yours sounds like that, to me.

Rosie and RedGreen, yours sound like twats, though.

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Aug-11 12:20:50

I'm divorced and every time I read these threads I think how much easier it is to live alone. I really couldn't put up with any of the things you're all saying!

lazarusb Thu 11-Aug-11 12:36:58

Do you really have no areas of common interest that could be developed at all?
Does your DP feel the same way about you as well, how does he see the next 5 years panning out with you? Can you really see any future for you as a family if you feel like this now?

(Thanking my lucky stars for my life with DH).

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