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he doesnt love me - he never did

(16 Posts)
brokenbutstillticking Mon 08-Aug-11 22:12:37

briefly Ive been married 8yrs n hes very short tempered with me. its as if I ws a big mistake but why did he let this marriage go on for so long. he says he toreates me for out daughters sake. he says hes only putting up with me untill she old enuf.

i had an arranged marriage with my consent. im asian. when we met I wasnt a virgin. but i told him that in our first conversation. he said he was ok with it. then his family changed after we married cuz they wanted a maid who wore headscarf and prayed etc. n he blames me. he cudnt exactly divorce a few months into the marriage as I did tell him that i work etc n I hadnt actually done anything wrong. so he moved out well his mum kicked him out - he gave up that town hse to his brother for FREE. he had to put me somewer so he bought that flat with credit cards for the deposit. and went into his own word - no friends no communication with me.

i thougt a child wud bring him out of it but he said that he wanted kids after he paid off his debts. i insisted n got pregnant. so we had to move again n we got into more debt. but his love by passed me on to his daughter. BUT he never helped me at all wen daughter was a baby. in fact he had to work away so he stayed there during the week. wen i moaned tht he wudnt help with daughter he said "you wanted to have her so you take care of her" so i did untill she cud talk and ask for daddy to do things with her.

wen i ws going thru post natal depression he did nothing. i had couselling cuz i thought it ws me. then wen i had no money he dint have any to give me. he said "if you want money go earn it yourself". i did. oh ye wen i started nagging him abt giving away his hse n getting into debt he said to me that "it ws his hse n he gave it to his family - who ws I to question him". so y the did he use my money to save his ass and retrain to get a job. i paid for his exams.

hes says awful nasty things like he cant stand me. he never loved me. i digust him. he doesnt take me out in public because hes ashamed of me. we never meet up with other ppl. he complains abt my weight - im only st9.5. he never askes why im crying. he never looks at me. he never hears me n i always have to repeat myself even then he'l never remember what i say.

no matter how I talk, dress or act he never compliments me or acknowledges me. guess Ive just answered my own question.

Confuseddd Mon 08-Aug-11 22:23:00

This is a sad story brokenbutstillticking. You deserve someone who cherishes you and he does not. Have you thought about leaving? Do you have friends and family who can give you practical and emotional support?

brokenbutstillticking Mon 08-Aug-11 22:36:33

I cant talk to my family as it wud devastate them. i dont think mum wud cope as she tends to be quite poorly. as for friends well they sort of faded away wen i buried my head in work and keeping things looking fine.

we had a fist fight and he left with daughter. hes at his mums. he tried to strangle me with a cloth and shove me down the stairs. i fought bak n caught his eye in the grappling. he called the ambulance who then called the police. police said they believed me n he ws the one that ws abusing me.

wen i ws pregnant 7ys ago MIL told him to leave me. she said that if he ws his fathers son then he wud leave me. but he didnt. probably out if a sense of responsibility and guilt as i had done nothing wrong.

im jus very sad n waking up to the realisation that for what ever reason he ruined my life. used me for my money, to keep house, look after our daughter till she ws old enuf. and now hes just walked away with my daughter. my baby. i brought her up and now hes just taken her away!

Confuseddd Mon 08-Aug-11 22:44:50

I really think that you should talk to Women's Aid; they can help you. Is there nobody you trust to talk to in your family? Maybe your mum will just have to understand. He cannot just take your child away without your consent. You do have the strength to overcome this situation and there is help at hand.

buzzsore Mon 08-Aug-11 22:51:27

You need to get some good legal advice. He can't legally just take your child away from you. Talk to Women's Aid, they'll be able to advise you.

brokenbutstillticking Mon 08-Aug-11 22:52:05

daughter wanted to go with him. wen we argue he says things under his breath so i get angry then wen i start ranting and raving he brings daughter in and says look how physcho yur mum is.

i only realised what he does this time we argued. i was ranting for a good five minutes but he was not responding then i looked round n daughter ws behind me! shes scared of me. he buys her stuf all the time n takes her out anywher anytime. wen i ask him for some of his time he says hes got work to do. if i say well you manged to make time for ur daughter then he says im jealous.

thanks for listening.

HerHissyness Mon 08-Aug-11 22:56:16

This is not about him not loving you, this is not about arranged marriages, this is abuse, pure and simple.

Please call WA, if you are not from the UK and would appreciate help in another language, they can help with that too.

You need to get out, you need to take your DD with you and go. Gather all your important documents and as much money as you can get and go. Again WA can help you with the planning, what to bring etc.

Confuseddd Mon 08-Aug-11 22:59:26

That is good that you see how he is pushing your buttons - means that you will be able to retain your calm in future. You should look at ways of getting out of your situation though - this is not healthy for you - please look at Women's Aid website.

needanewmanual Mon 08-Aug-11 23:40:07

Hi I think you should contact women's aid too and also you should think about trying the Muslim youth helpline, they are a confidential support servo for Muslims in distress and they deal with abuse cases amongst others. You mention some of th cultural sensitivities in your very sad situation and they will understand those whilst importantly helping you work out what YOU want to do, they can refer too. Also there is an org I think calls karma nirvana Who deal with forced marriagesandhonour based abuse, I know you did not have q forced marriage but they may be able to help or refer you on. Don't suffer in silence sis.

GaramMasalaGirl Mon 08-Aug-11 23:58:27

Please contact WA and take your daughter and get out of there.

I was in a similar situation (although it was a forced marriage) and one of the biggest regrets of my life is that I spent 10 years trying to be the dutiful wife/daughter/daughter in law....a whole decade wasted! Divorce within our culture is much more common now and your family will get over it.

Please think about yourself and your DD and take back your life. Don't let this disgusting pig of a man take more from you.

brokenbutstillticking Tue 09-Aug-11 00:13:23

GaramMasalaGirl what was your first point of call? where or who did you turn to first? I havent spoken to anyone just randomly left a message on here.

im scared of going down that path. evryone points me in that direction but im too scared of going it alone.

FullTimeStudentNurseAndMumOf3 Tue 09-Aug-11 00:19:43

You won't be alone. You have your DD. Don't let him twist her mind. Stay calm, don't rant and rave, don't give him reason to twist your DD mind. Get out. Please. Take your daughter and get help. This is abuse and he's now emotionally manipulating your DD. Do it for her. Hugs xxxxx

brokenbutstillticking Tue 09-Aug-11 00:21:09

my daughters with him. hes at his mums. im just thinking abt my options - what to do. and where to go.

FullTimeStudentNurseAndMumOf3 Tue 09-Aug-11 00:26:03

Have a look at womans aid. But don't go without your daughter. He will twist that to his own advantage. I'm so sorry for you. Xxxx

GaramMasalaGirl Tue 09-Aug-11 00:41:07

Your first point of contact should be WA. I did it completely alone,with my 2 DC and went to stay in emergency accommodation before being rejoiced.

I actually left the house completely empty handed but returned a few days later, when I definitely knew he wouldn't be around and packed DC's and my clothes in about 5 bin liners. Unfortunately, because I hadn't planned it (I just left) I didn't think to take passports, birth certificates, bank documents etc.

My family knew of the violence and also that he was a prolific gambler and we were riddled with debt but they were unwilling to assist me because they didn't want to be dishonoured. My family came around, although 1 sister still doesn't speak to even after all this time.

I had wanted to be free for years before walking out but like you I was too scared of going it alone, financially or emotionally.

Since being divorced I have attended university and gained a degree and now have a professional career. I have had the good fortune of meeting someone else (he was also forced into an arranged marriage at 17 years old) and we have been together for a number of years now. When I was married to the knobber I hadn't ever been out of my home town but since getting divorced have been lucky enough to travel to some beautiful and amazing places. My 2 DC are beautiful, kind, considerate and happy. Life isnt perfect but it is a million times better than it was when I was stuck in that he'll of a marriage.

Be brave Broken, be strong but more importantly be free.....it is the most amazing and beautiful feeling in the world.

Plan your escape, it doesn't have to be tonight or tomorrow......but make it soon.

brokenbutstillticking Tue 09-Aug-11 01:34:42

thanks GaramMasalaGirl that gives me strength - rang WA but theyr closed/dont do legal advice at this hour so im gna go round tmrw n see how i can sort out a residency order. problem is that I dont work but am not on any benefits as he earns. so thats the hurdle tomrw.

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