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Thinking me and DH are mismatched - can I improve relationship?

(11 Posts)
Confuseddd Mon 08-Aug-11 22:11:38

I'll try to be brief!

DH and I have been married 5 years - 2 beautiful boys aged 3 and 1. I feel like our marriage is going nowhere but I'm struggling to find the motivation to make changes.

He says I am horrible to him and make no effort - it's true that I'm pretty quiet and rarely have sex with him - not because I don't fancy him - I do - it's more that I'm very guarded and don't want him close.

This is because we have a history of misunderstandings. Often when I say something, he will say pardon or get wrong end of the stick. He often mumbles so I don't hear him. He was late to the altar when we married. When we went for the first scan with Ds1, we had a row because he wanted us to arrange to go out with his ex-girlfriend and he felt me to be jealous and paranoid because I did not want to. Our values seem so different. His bluntest and most stubborn aspects seem to arise when I am at my most vulnerable. Many landmark memories are marred for me in this way. He has told me he thinks I am too sensitive.

We have screaming acrimonious fights that scare the children, that usually evolve because he acts rashly, undermines my parenting (I do the discipline - he is the fun parent) or disregards my efforts (fails to acknowledge me, no eye contact, no courtesies) so that I boil with resentment.

I think he is disorganised and has not met his potential due to lack of consistent effort and focus on the details. I don't care about this other than that his self esteem is huge and he will persist in talking about projects which I know he will not get off the ground - I started a business plan for him but he seems to let everything drop. I have stopped taking him seriously now.

I did not mean this to be a bitch about DH, but We are like chalk and cheese and it is getting me down. There aren't many laughs - we don't get each other's humour - just joint resolutions to try harder before next misunderstanding or disagreement arises. We do love our boys though and share in that joy, plus joint projects we work well together - but I wonder if it's enough to outweigh the regular nasty rows.

Would you tell me what you think - and thanks for reading.

buzzsore Mon 08-Aug-11 22:19:59

I've got a number of concerns about what you say - like the deliberate (or not) misunderstandings on his part and the unreasonable behaviour that worsens when you need support most - but aside from all that, not getting each other's humour? I just think it's so important to be able to laugh together.

Confuseddd Mon 08-Aug-11 22:36:47

Thanks buzzsore - I know marriage is meant to be something to work at, but I don't think there are many breaks in ours.

buzzsore Mon 08-Aug-11 22:58:02

Well, there's working at it, and then again, it shouldn't be this much hard work. You don't trust him emotionally and you don't say that you love him?

An environment of screaming rows isn't good for the children, especially ones that scare them. It might be that you would make better parents individually than together.

Confuseddd Mon 08-Aug-11 23:09:37

I think we might be better off apart tbh. It is true I don't trust him emotionally - too many times I have felt let down - though he doesn't see it. It will probably be a while before I could get out - own a property together.

FullTimeStudentNurseAndMumOf3 Tue 09-Aug-11 00:14:34

If u feel that you know your decision. And I believe you do, please don't rise to rowing. Not in front of the children. Not to the extent that it scares them. You both obviously love the kids. Keep them safe, warm, fed, loved and happy and your happiness will come from them until your in a position to do something about it. Grass isn't always greener but keep rows away from the kids. Please grin

Confuseddd Tue 09-Aug-11 18:44:10

Thanks Fulltime

IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws Wed 10-Aug-11 12:25:06

Your problems are similar to some discussed on my thread about 'little niggles' but I have to say yours sound like more than just niggles. Me and my dh have had blazing rows in the past but never in front of the baby. I think that is crossing a line, sadly.

itwasthat Thu 11-Aug-11 12:54:37

can i ask why did you marry him? what did you initially love about him? and the same questions to him. if you can identify that, or relive some of the things you did as a couple pre-children then maybe you can reignite some of that spark. life changes dramatically with most women taking on most of the crappy roles imo - talk to your dh about going to counselling, relate for example, their rates are based on your postcode and may be affordable for you. can you both come to an agreement about what to do when you row ie. if one gets very annoyed they have to leave the house? or go to a different room to diffuse the situation? as you say you cannot leave him immediately so logically speaking something has to change if only for the benefit of the dc. how does he feel about all of this?

i hear you about your dh not being able to complete things, this would drive me nuts too. but look at it from a different point of view; what qualities does he have that you dont, in other words how does he compliment you? he may be more patient? i dont know. just a thought so you can think about some of his good qualities (since you did marry him so you must have seen something in him)

i dont think all is lost with your relationship but i do think you need to be very very careful about the damage you are doing to your dc by arguing in front of them.

serioulsy discuss this with him, good luck and let us know how it goes

itwasthat Thu 11-Aug-11 12:55:55

btw just noting the age of your dc, that is a very hard age group imo. a lot of marriages are put under strain when the children are young. just saying you are not on your own in that regard.

LongWayRound Thu 11-Aug-11 13:09:05

itwasthat makes some very good points (both posts).
I don't want to get into the details of your particular relationship, just to say that I recognise the feeling that DH and I are like chalk and cheese. Something that helped me was being able to understand our different personality types using the MBTI system. These may be useful:
www.personalitypage.com/html/relationships.html
www.personalitypage.com/html/home.shtml
It helps to be reminded of the reasons we may have chosen someone very different to ourselves, and to recognise that there may be ways in which we complement each other.

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