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Have just applied for social housing....why do I feel so sad?

(29 Posts)
NickRobinsonsloveslave Mon 08-Aug-11 21:36:29

I know, being practical, that this is the best for me and DCs as we just cannot continue to live in a house where I feel so much resentment towards H.

But I felt so sad when I pressed the submit button. It was like I was closing the door on everything.

What makes me really sad is that I know we could have a fab family together if he wasn't such an absolutely selfish tosser. Even my mum asked me today if H actually had a conscience.

I realise we will not be put on the priority list, so it could be a long wait. I just think I need someone to give me a slap and say that this is the best and only recourse.

Terraviva Tue 09-Aug-11 21:49:53

It's a new beginning for you, but it's natural to grieve for what you've lost.

"What makes me really sad is that I know we could have a fab family together if he wasn't such an absolutely selfish tosser." But he is sad.

Have a <<<hug>>> instead of a slap and hear me say "this is the best and only recourse!" Onward and upward eh?! Good luck with your home search - I hope you find somewhere lovely for you & your DC.

rainbowtoenails Tue 09-Aug-11 21:55:02

Have you spoken to a housing adviser at cab or shelter to discuss all your options? Why are you moving out and not him? If you have no right to live there then you should make a homeless rather than a housing application.

joblot Tue 09-Aug-11 22:25:53

Hard one but if it doesn't work then you are absolutely doing the right thing. Social housing does carry a stigma for some people but its a bloody good deal mostly

NickRobinsonsloveslave Tue 09-Aug-11 22:48:08

I have no qualms about moving into social housing. I could stay in the house and make things difficult, but they are already uncomfortable. We are living in same houser but not together. I have not moved out yet as I have nowhere to go and no money, so have had to stay.

Just makes me feel so mad(sad) about the opportunity to make a great family we have both wasted.

I suppose I should fight for the house, but am past caring about material things TBH and just want some peace and quiet.

FabbyChic Wed 10-Aug-11 06:07:06

If you live in your own house rather than a rented one you will not be considered for social housing.

The wait is around five years or so for those living in rented accomodation.

shesgotherlipstickon Wed 10-Aug-11 07:45:36

I hate to point out the obvious..........but applying is one thing. Getting a social house quite another.

If you have your own home or rights to a home, no chance, even if you are renting and have a roof over your head, more chance of seeing rocking poo.

You may want to look at alternatives. Unless he has been abusive with you and the dc's, the police have been involved, etc, etc.

No chance.

solidgoldbrass Wed 10-Aug-11 08:50:07

Well, nothing is going to make a shit into a nice man, so you are absolutely doing the right thing in accepting the relationship is over and starting to move on. However, as others have said, check out the legal situation re your current house - if it is legally viable to get the man out of the house then you will be expected to do that rather than get social housing.

NickRobinsonsloveslave Wed 10-Aug-11 10:41:37

So basically I'm stuck here?
How do other people split up then, where does the person leaving go?

I am not working and have no money and there is more chance of me shagging George Clooney than his lordship leaving.

There's no violence just petty mind games .
shit which is getting my back up now.

I just want out.

shesgotherlipstickon Wed 10-Aug-11 10:55:05

Well yes you are stuck if you want to rely on social housing. They are as rare as rocking horse poo.

Even if there has been violence, and the police removing you for your own safety, with dv, you still have to go down the temporary/hostel route in the majority of cases and that's at the priority level.

If you have your own house, you'll never get an offer as there is no physical violence and you have a roof over your head.

I'm afraid you'll have to find that last bit of energy you have and fight to get him out.

People who split up don't just waltz into council houses. Many are staying put in shitty relationships because they can't afford to get out in this climate. Sad but true.

Others go to everyone, family, wa, support groups and struggle and struggle but do eventually make it with support and being pointed in the right direction.

That's what you need to do. You won't just be given a council house, even after a long wait. You need to be pro active.

NickRobinsonsloveslave Wed 10-Aug-11 11:14:49

Thanks, am off to look into WA.

Would I be able to rent privately then claim housing benefit, if I could just manage to get enough together for the deposit?

shesgotherlipstickon Wed 10-Aug-11 11:20:37

Would I be able to rent privately then claim housing benefit, if I could just manage to get enough together for the deposit?

Yes ofc, that's probably your best option in all honesty. Your council can provide you with a list of dss friendly landlords.

rainbowtoenails Wed 10-Aug-11 11:42:34

You cant get hb for more than 6 months if u own another house. Who owns where you live now? Is it in joint names?

Fwiw abuse doesnt have to be physical for it to give u legal rights.

ebbandflow Wed 10-Aug-11 12:00:20

"You cant get hb for more than 6 months if u own another house." Is that def true? I have never heard of this.

Does anyone know if the house is in joint names whether is it possible legally to force the sale of the property?-even if other person is refusing to leave.

isobelsmummy2 Wed 10-Aug-11 13:10:53

Dont know if this is any help: some councils pay the deposit for a private rent property. To avoid putting people who are homeless into b&b. After moving in you can make an application for HB & CTB.
Not sure if this is still the case, I went down this root 6 years ago, when my mother made me homeless.

shesgotherlipstickon Wed 10-Aug-11 13:35:37

Yes but it is only for homeless people. So those who have been slung out, dv etc. Op isn't homeless.

neuroticmumof3 Wed 10-Aug-11 13:56:38

I think you need a trip to CAB to help you sort out your options. Private rent is probably the quickest way you'll get out of your current house. You'll only get housed by the local authority if you are actually homeless and even then it will be something grim and temporary to start with.

garlicbutter Wed 10-Aug-11 14:08:00

Oh dear, Nick, you've made your big and dificult decision, then found it's going to be harder than you think ... sad

First, congrats on making the decision. A life of teeth-gritting headfucks is not good for you or DC. You did the right thing, putting your name down - it might will come up eventually. If you're married and haven't started a divorce, do so. Division of the property will then be forced on him. Make an appointment with the CAB.

You can't sell a property from under one of the owner's feet. If you're married, each partner has special rights. If you're joint tenants (this is usual with married partners), then legally EACH of you owns the entire property. If you're tenants in common, you each own a specified percentage of the property - though obviously you can't sell half a house without the other half.
This is all different in Scotland.

You can go and stay with someone while you sort out the practicals - a court won't take this to mean you aren't interested in living there. Still better if you can get him to leave, though it sounds as if you've tried that! I'm really sorry you're in this bind. Funny how people who act like they can't stand you, want to keep you anyway.

I hope you've got somewhere to stay, at least until you've seen a CAB and a solicitor, got your head straight.

wannabesybil Wed 10-Aug-11 14:53:53

You can force sale of a jointly owned property - I saw one or two cases when I worked for the court service (England and Wales).

It is really, really hard. First you need to get the order and you do need a solicitor for that, or I would recommend it. Then you need to get it marketed with him in and doing his best to sabotage all sales. If you have any equity, the rip off merchants that are the housing equivalent of 'we buy any car' may be helpful.

Does he care about the children at all? Could that be a way of appealing to him? Or is he concerned about appearances and a threat to advertise in the local paper that he has put his children out on the streets (and do it!) may stir him to action.

He will need some sort of compensation for giving up his share of the house, ie buying him out.

It may be worth while going to the council and checking if they do a scheme where they find private landlords and pay the initial deposit. You will need a plan to find rent etc afterwards.

btw you could tell him (truthfully) that you are legally entitled to move in a Philippino toy boy in until and unless he either leaves or buys you out. I don't know how he would react and is perhaps not the most sensible suggestion, but I hope it makes you smile.

ebbandflow Wed 10-Aug-11 16:24:16

Such a sad situation. I personally know of two relationship breakdowns whereby the emotionally abusive male has literally clung onto the home-forcing one mother (mentally ill now) to leave home without her children and another to move to a dingy rented flat with the kids. Surely this refusing to leave is a common reaction by these controlling men.

NickRobinsonsloveslave Thu 11-Aug-11 20:37:24

ebb, think you may be right. My H refuses to leave as, as he puts it 'it's his bloody house'. It is all about control. They don't think for one minute about what's in the best interests of their DCs, only about how much money their gold digging wives are going to leech them for.

Anyway have been looking into privately renting, and all I can say is OMG. The majority of 3 bed accommodation round here charges more for rent per month than the mortgage payments on this house.

My head is spinning from all this info overload. Think I need to make a detailed plan.

orangehead Thu 11-Aug-11 20:54:34

sorry to hear you going through this. Im afraid others are right. I was on the high priority list for social housing for 7 years. I had hospital consultants write to the council saying the damp conditions in my house that my landlord was refusing to put right had put ds1 in hospital and making him very ill, and I still waited for 7 years.
So yes explore as many ave's s you can, consult a solictor about your house and speak to cab. On a slightly positive note the council area I live in is well known for having extrordinarily long lists. Apparently some other councils are not as bad but still have long lists. But you have to have a link to the area to be put on thier list. It might be worth seeing if your gp could write a supporting letter for your application stating how stressful your living arrangements are. But I wouldnt pin too much hope for social housing.

Stropperella Thu 11-Aug-11 21:15:45

I would have thought that the most important thing to do is to get advice from a solicitor. You should be due a free initial consultation to examine your options. Sadly, with the housing market the way it is, there are many divorced couples who end up staying living in the same house for some time.

My very tiresome exh insisted on staying in the house (which I bought him out of as part of the divorce settlement) until we had the decree nisi and the financial agreement had been rubber-stamped by the court. It is a fact that it's their house too and they are under no obligation to leave. Especially if they are paying for it. Which is fair enough, but very difficult if they are emotionally abusive.

I'm afraid the social housing thing is a blind alley.

NickRobinsonsloveslave Thu 11-Aug-11 22:06:30

Have already had my free half hour and solicitor advised me to stay in the house. I don't really see how that will help as it just causes more friction.

Stropperella Thu 11-Aug-11 22:16:40

Yes, I was told the same. It's because you are negotiating from a much weaker position once you leave, I think. And if you leave, what are you going to live on?

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