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Come and give me a shake, I'm so upset and disappointed at this news?

(23 Posts)
mummytowillow Mon 08-Aug-11 20:57:21

I've posted about this before, I'll try to be concise!!

After 4 years of IVF, a miscarriage and our beautiful little girl being born, I was diagnosed with PND, our DD was 15 mths before I even went to see a doctor, I believe I had it about 3 months after she was born? sad

Anyway, I was an irrational, nasty, unpleasant person who was very difficult to live with, but this was linked to the PND. On Boxing Day he told me he didn't love me and left within 1/2 hour, leaving my parents and me devastated!

I had a feeling there was something going on, so looked at his mobile phone bill online, (it was in my name, he didn't cover his tracks very well)!! I found over 500 text messages, loads of calls to the same number, even some on Xmas day when he disappeared upstairs. So I phoned the number and a woman answered! I worked things out and confronted him and this is what I found out. Within 3 weeks of being diagnosed with the PND, he had found himself a 'friend' at work. Spent most of his time texting/calling her, even when he was looking after DD, this went on for three months, he met her for drinks etc and he states he 'kissed' her. He admitted everything to me, defended her telling me she was lovely girl etc. As soon as he left on Boxing Day he called her, and carried on calling her days later all listed on his mobile bill!

His parents found out and he convinced them he hadn't done anything, they were just 'friends' and weren't seeing each other, and it was all my fault our marriage had fallen apart. He painted an awful picture of me to everyone who would listen and I convinced myself it was my fault sad, everyone felt sorry for him and were very hostile with me. I admitted my part in the failings in our marriage, I had counselling, took the tablets and changed, he refused couples counselling and wouldn't even try to save our marriage. He gave me 3 weeks to get better and moved on, this is so painful for me?

Moving on two years later, he has divorced me and put vile, untruthful things in the petition. I came out of the marriage with absolutely nothing. But I've got myself a lovely home, my daughter is a delight, I have a good secure job, great friends and supportive family.

Over the weekend he called and was overly nice on the phone (things are usually frosty). He told me he had something to tell me, he has a girfriend and when our DD goes for a weeks holiday at the end of the month he wants her to meet her, and she is keen to meet her to!

So I ask what her name is, has she got kids, simple questions and he said it was irrelevant. We made an agreement we would discuss introducing other people to our daughter. I became suspicious and finally got him to admit it was her and he has been seeing her for ages! I can't describe how bad I feel, he lied to everyone, made me feel terrible and everything now fits into place, his lack of interest in his daughter for the last year, letting her down, saying he couldn't afford to see her, but went on holiday (told me with his mates, but obviously with her).

She has been introduced to his parents, he has lied who she is and I think they are shocked now they know it was her all along! But I feel absolutely gutted that everyone has been led to believe it was all my fault, and he was whiter than white. He still refuses to admit any part in the failure of our marriage, but I've become consumed with trying to make him understand ... why am I doing this?

I don't want him back he is not the man I thought he was, I'm happy on my own, so why am I sat here mulling things over, feeling terrible again? I've told him that woman has no right to think its OK to meet our DD after what she did, he thinks I'm being unreasonable. I'm not saying she can never meet her, but DD is only 4 and still doesn't understand why me and her daddy are not together.

It makes me feel physically ill the thought of her being involved with my daughter, and I am adamant she won't be meeting her? But can I enforce this, I don't think he would do it as he knows DD will tell me?

This has brought all the hurt, sad feelings back, so I need you to talk some sense into me!

GypsyMoth Mon 08-Aug-11 21:03:13

really really sorry,but no,you cant prevent him introducing her to yor dd. he has regular access,its been some time,they are stable etc etc....so sorry

carlywurly Mon 08-Aug-11 21:10:06

I am so sorry. You've been treated horribly, and I'd give you a hug if I knew you.

I've been in a pretty similar position (minus the tablets - how awful for you) , and know how vile and unfair it feels. Catching and exposing XH to everyone did make me feel better temporarily but it doesn't remove the utter sadness.

Unfortunately, you can't prevent your X from introducing OW to your DD, I understand that making you feel physically ill, it did and still does me too, especially as I've never had any contact from OW, she just moved in on XH and my dc's and seemingly got away with destroying our family without any comeback.

All I can say is that it slowly gets easier. I never ever badmouth either of them to the dc's, nor push them to tell me details of their weekends with them. They handle it all surprisingly well.

Go easy on yourself for a while. It's a big shock to process. Are you having counselling still?

mummytowillow Mon 08-Aug-11 21:21:45

No to the counselling, its been over two years since he left, so I've got on with my life, and was pretty happy until this news?

My parents don't help much either, they hate him and any opportunity they get they pick at him through me, which makes things worse!

He is not a bad dad, in fact he is a very good dad, but I truly think he is taking the piss wanting his tart to meet my daughter. He even had the nerve to say 'she will be a positive influence on DD life' that itself was gutting!

She has the morals of an alley cat but can be a positive influence, I don't think so!

susiedaisy Mon 08-Aug-11 21:22:28

sorry to hear your story mummytowillow, cant really give you any earth shattering advice, other than to say i know how you feel to a certain degree,

i separated from exh last year, he now has new women, and told our kids to pretend they were going out with another single father and his child when in fact it was with the new women and her child, felt so upset when found out the truth, and thought the kids were being very quiet when they returned on a weekend, several things now fall into place having learnt the truth, and now they are playing happy families on a weekend with the new women, her child, our kids and exh, hurts like hell, feels like someone has kicked me in the guts, they are all friends on face book, going out for family day trips, meals out sleep overs, etc, things that he wouldnt do with me and our children when we were together, added to that exh has told people that he thinks i have had a mid life crisis and may have mental health problems hence the separation, which is a crock of shit, so many lies he has told, and it hurts so much , added to that the pain you feel when they never used to bother with their children but then along comes a new women and suddenly they are competing for father of the year award, so pathetic, i could ramble on,

there will be some more constructive advice along soon i am sure, but just wanted to say you arent alone, keep your chin up, remain dignified, and lean on friends and family when you can, this hurt will fade in time to something that you can live with,

happyclapper Mon 08-Aug-11 21:28:24

So sorry, you've really had such a dreadful time and I think you've done amazingly well to build a new life for yourself and have a wonderful relationship with your daughter.
Your x is obviously a creatin and he will get his comupance (sorry for the spelling).
Wait and see how wonderful his relationship is when they have their first taste of trouble. Sounds like he's crap when the chips are down and as for friends/rels. They will realise what he's like eventually.
I know it's hard but just try and concentrate on making a great life for yourself and consign him to the losers bin.
I am a great believer in Karma.......

mummytowillow Mon 08-Aug-11 21:30:13

susiedaisy and carly - thanks for your comments, I feel for you, its so painful isn't it?

Problem is I don't remain dignified, I try to rise above his hurtful accusations, but I can't, I then get nasty and say awful things!

I called her 'skanky' yesterday, he went potty, he is obvioulsy besotted with her!! And it didn't make me feel better sad

So how should I approach it all from now then?

carpetlover Mon 08-Aug-11 21:32:28

Well, I don't think you can stop her meeting your DD longterm but I wouldn't be happy with my 4yr old spending a lot of time with someone I knew nothing about. Therefore, I think he's out of order to say your questions are irrelevant because they are not. He needs to put your mind at rest. It's the least he can do considering what a wanker he's been.

mummytowillow Mon 08-Aug-11 21:33:13

Another thing that is consuming me is he can't have kids, only through fertility treatment, she doesn't have any, and is 10 years younger than him! I can't bear the thought of him having another child to just leave behind when things get tough?

He has been married before me and has two older kids, he left them when they were 6 and 2? sad Our daughter was only 18 months when he left to?

But why am I so bothered? I really do need to get a grip!

happyclapper Mon 08-Aug-11 21:36:02

I know it's almost impossible but try and converse as little as possible beyond the bare necessities as it will always descend into name calling which will get you nowhere. The least contact you have the better and explain to your parents that although you appreciate their support and understanding it actually isn't helping to rake over the details all the time.
Good luck.

susiedaisy Mon 08-Aug-11 21:41:29

Remaining dignified is so hard, when i am in the house on my own i have a good moan (to myself) pouring out all the things i want to say to them, if anyone was a fly on the wall they would probably think i had tourettes, as i am f'in and blindin' all round the house getting it off my chest!!! as far as havin to speak to your ex i would only speak to him about the welfare of your daughter, nothing else, bite your tongue and just refer back to your daughters best interests at all times,

there is a saying i read somewhere, that if a man marries his mistress he leaves a vacancy for a mistress, and happyclapper is right karma is a wonderful thing, it will come back to bite him in the ass one day!!

NickRobinsonsloveslave Mon 08-Aug-11 21:46:38

mummytowillow, the warning bells should have been ringing when he dumped his first family. However, hindsight is a wonderful thing, and there are lots on here who have been taken in by a tosser (me included) who think it's okay to just drop one family and move on to start another when they get bored.

You have come such a long way, do not let him get to you again.

You say he can't have kids and she is 10 years younger. How will he feel, do you think, when she dumps him cos he can't give her children when she's ready to start a family?

keep that thought.

carlywurly Mon 08-Aug-11 21:49:42

Susie, I do that too grin

It's hideous. Absolutely horrible to have to allow your dc's to spend time with the person you least want them to be with. The lack of control is scary at first but you do learn to cope with it. I kind of try and distance myself a bit - like being professional at work, I hate talking about anything personal with XH, we stick to facts and details not emotions or I lose it with him.

And my parents also seem to want to constantly badmouth XH, and can't understand why I'm not permanently angry about it all. It really doesn't help as it does rake it all up and prolongs the drama. I just change the subject when they start on about it.

mummytowillow Mon 08-Aug-11 21:53:12

I wasn't an OW though, he had been single for 3 years when I met him! What I should have done is thought carefully why is other ex-wife was so hostile with him!!

NickRobinsonsloveslave Mon 08-Aug-11 21:59:56

Am so not blaming you OP.

When I met my H he had been split a long time from his ex, but he hated her with a passion....blamed her for the relationship breaking down, claimed she was a golddigger who wanted to take all his money.

When he did see his kids he showed no real interest in them, and most weekends used to dump them on his mum. Fool that I was, I never saw this as a warning, and only realised what a twat he was (is) when he treated me and our DCs the same.

I know that in the fyture he will hook up with another sucker, and she will play a part in my DCs lives, but you just have to live with it I'm afraid. Just think yourself lucky it's not you he's still with.

Saffysmum Tue 09-Aug-11 07:41:17

mummytowillow: this is horrible, but I think you have to be really strong here and try to detach from him and his relationship with OW. It's natural to feel the way you do, but the past is the past, and it might be helpful and healthy for you if you tried to move on more. It's just eating you up and taking up so much emotional energy. He behaved badly, he lied. People - i.e. his family, can see that now, so no more illusions. But you can't change it. You just have to try to accept it, think "thank god I'm away from that louse" and think about your life and your future.

He will and he can introduce dd to OW. It's a shitty thought I know, but just try to accept this, and keep cool and detached and keep your thoughts about her to yourself. By keeping hold of the past you're keeping hold of a lot of resentment and you can't move on.

Rise above it - you're better than this.

Feel for you.

mamas12 Tue 09-Aug-11 19:09:37

Do you know what \i don't think there is anything wrong in letting them know exactly how you feel about this situation, they caused it.
But not to let on to the dcs, they will obviously find out out sometime but just keep smiling to her.
Why should'nt you vent to him? He deserves it. Just don't get into arguing, especially in front of dd.
Your feelings are perfectly valid he is trying to get you to gloss over this shit happening with someone else you wouldn't trust.
He has to get it he can't really think you'll think this is ok.
In the future when you have had time to get used to it then ok but not now while it's raw
Tell everyone you can too they will all be on your side.

steelchic Tue 09-Aug-11 19:37:37

mummytowillow, I know exactly how you feel as I'm going through the same. My H left in Feb. Denied any one else involved. I found out there was an OW but he down played it. I found out at the weekend she's pregnant and they have bought a house 2 miles from me and my DC's .I feel physically sick also of the thought of them with my 2 DC's 10 & 7 although they do not even know she exists never mind her having a baby. I know one day I will have to let him introduce her to my DC's but it makes me feel sick to the stomach that the home recking "skanky" bitch will be all nicey nicey in front of my kids (yes I also call her a skank). He to blames me for not trying hard enough to keep him happy if i had he'd never have strayed FFS! seems to be a common thread here reading through other posts.
Sorry no advice for you but I'm thinking of you, Take care xx

steelchic Tue 09-Aug-11 19:40:46

Just read Mamas12 post,good advice. Tell everyone you can let them all know the full story. I've started to do this to neighbours and kids friends parents. I've been amazed at the support I've been given - make sure his name is mud - he deserves it

drfayray Wed 10-Aug-11 09:29:48

I am so sorry to hear this. sad. My so-called husband treats his skank like she is the MOther Theresa. Never mind that she helped to break up a 24 year old marriage and muck up my life and my kids' as well.

BUT...you will have to try hard to detach yourself from this. Not easy I know..but for your own sake and sanity you HAVE to try.

You say you have a nice home, beautiful DD, good friends and family? Well that sounds pretty great to me. Hold onto those positive things.

And yeah tell people the truth. I do.

knitpicker Wed 10-Aug-11 09:53:23

It's all very well that you call the OW a skank etc but in fact IMO the biggest fault lies with your ex who cheated on you and obviously told this OW a pack of lies about you. As far as she knows you are the evil bitch who made his life hell, I think your anger and disgust is completely misplaced - your husband cheated/ left you and lied about you. Pity her as it is highly likely this man will do the same to her after she has wasted years of her life trying to make him happy.

ellmum Wed 10-Aug-11 12:23:17

It's completely understandable that you would have reservations about this woman having a part in your daughter's life. You're a mum, you want what's best for your daughter, and that includes surrounding her with people you feel she is safe/happy with. You say your ex is a good dad, despite sounding like a prize knob (sorry) but as far as this woman is concerned, you have no evidence of her being anything other than pretty deceitful and dishonest. It's a horribly frustrating situation for you to be in - to have the power to make decisions for your daughter taken away from you. Maybe if there is a way of you regaining some control? Can you think of any situation where you may not feel so against this woman meeting your DD? Maybe at your ex's parents' house or something? Remember though, this woman will probably not be the last of your ex's lady friends that your daughter has to meet, but throughout her life you will always be a marvellous role model to her. You've shown great strength. You should be proud of yourself.

mummytowillow Wed 10-Aug-11 21:47:18

Knitpicker - That is good advice!! Your so right, I'm not that angry with her, it is him I most pissed off with!

He made is other ex-wife sound a right lunatic (well she was slightly unhinged)!! grin He also made out everything was all her fault and convinced me and his parents their marriage break up was all her fault! I also found out 6 weeks before we got married, they had an affair and she left her husband for him!! angry What I should have done is started running and not stopped!

Instead I was convinced 'I would make him happy', we had a huge wedding, paid £15 grand for IVF treatment and now he has left another family!

But I can't be consumed by it anymore, its making me miserable sad I do think he will find a way to introduce 'her' to my daughter which will kill me, but I have to remind myself I'm her mummy and I'm a good mum to her!

And yes, when the going gets tough, he will get going, she is deranged if she thinks a bloke who has 3 kids with two different wives, and he left both of the families will remain faithful to her!!

I've arranged for my daughter to go to his parents house for the weeks holiday instead of his house, as I don't trust him and he won't respect my wishes. He has already told me his parents will do anything for me so I'm hoping they will honour their word!

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