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money in relationship

(11 Posts)
tesco1 Mon 08-Aug-11 20:06:10

I am a sahp and I find money an issue in our relationship. I am going on holiday without dh with our dc and my siblings. I have paid for the holiday out of an inheritance I have received. There may be a few further expenses going on a credit card which I can just about fund from inheritance. This evening we were looking at finances and dh was budgeting and asked me how much is going to go on cr card of this holiday I am not suppossed to be paying for?
I am feeling hurt by this as I do not question him when he spends x on his football season ticket and y on exravegent gesture for his mum.
I realise that I am probaby in the wrong too as I am treating the inheritance as my money not joint. However, I am feeling a distinct inequality in the financial side of the relationship. Dh has a pension and endownments and I don't. When I pointed out this inequality I was told that I will get them in the end. I do have a few fixed investments but I have not been able to renew these as we need them for instant access savings.
Any tips on dealing with this please?

PrettyCandles Mon 08-Aug-11 20:13:27

In our marriage all money is shared. We have both joint accts and individual accts (ISAs etc), but it doesn't matter what name the account is in - it is for me, dh, and the dc, equally.

When we have had money gifted to us individually we first decide whether we need the money to go into the communal pot, and, if not, then the other is free to spend it as they wish. Money gifted specifically to the dc is spent on/saved for the dc.

Perhaps your dh is jealous of you for having the holiday?

PrettyCandles Mon 08-Aug-11 20:14:10

I'm a SAHM, too.

TheOriginalFAB Mon 08-Aug-11 20:15:48

Tell him you will share all the money that comes to you when you have equal rights to use any money he brings in.

tesco1 Mon 08-Aug-11 20:16:59

Maybe pretty. But than I guess I could be jealous of the fact that dh gets to go to the football every 2 weeks in winter and he gets to go without dc. Just feel abit undervalued as it feels like I am getting an indirect "What are you spending my money on?" which suggests an inequality.

PrettyCandles Mon 08-Aug-11 21:07:43

Yes, I'd be jealous of his time off too, if I didn't get regular time off myself.

I wasn't excusing his behaviour, just trying to rationalise it.

Our POV is that if I was not a SAHM we would be paying a substantial amount in childcare until our youngest went to school, and even if I then worked full time we would have to pay for holiday and before and after care. Not forgetting also my reduced earnings potential and pension due to career breaks and/or restricted work hours.

So I am in fact saving/earning a substantial chunk of dh's salary.

Besides, we made a commitment to each other and to our future together. We share our lives, and that includes our money. It would be no different were I to be earning.

PrettyCandles Mon 08-Aug-11 21:09:19

Hang on a sec, why don't you have a pension? You are exactly the sort of person for whom stakeholder pensions were created. I have one.

tesco1 Mon 08-Aug-11 21:35:56

I know I need to sort one out. I did have a pension whilst working but haven't got round to doing a stakeholder one. I think maybe we should reduce contribution going into dh's and use difference to pay inton one for me.

tesco1 Mon 08-Aug-11 21:39:58

Sorry pretty I wasn't criticising your comment. You are quite right.

LadyLapsang Mon 08-Aug-11 23:23:09

OP, how does your partner feel about you not working and bringing home an income? Ultimately you don't have much bargaining power at the moment. Maybe you should initiate a discussion by saying maybe I should go back to work ...(and explain the consequences for him in terms of sharing childcare and housework costs and responsibilities)

Don't think you should give up on your pension...should have used your inheritence to put some money aside for that.

tesco1 Tue 09-Aug-11 07:34:23

Not sure really. I think he would probably like me to find a job but would probably want me to do something term time. Not easy. I was thinking of applying to a supermarket but he was quick to point out the negatives he heard from his cousin about problems booking holidays etc.

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