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Feel numb towards my DP

(12 Posts)
happyclapper Mon 08-Aug-11 15:48:36

I have been with DP for 12 yrs and we have 2 wonderful children we adore. I have bee married twice before (no kids) + another long term relationship inbetween. The marriages both lasted 7 yrs and ended due to boredom on my part.
The other relationship ended when he had an affair.
My problem is my lack of feeling for my partner. He is a great provider and puts every once of himself into our relationship and family which I truly appreciate and I love our life together but he feels more like a brother to me.
I don't want to leave at all, and never would, I just feel I'm always faking my feelings when I want to feel them for real.
DP is quite highly sexed whereas I have no sex drive. Have been to Dr who was no help at all. Despite me telling him I don't get anything from sex he still pesters me continually. I give in or even initiate sex 2-3 times a week as I feel he desrves it and otherwise he gets really grumpy. At best I enjoy the closeness, at worst I can't wait for it to be over.
We have been through some really rough patches...PND, redundancy x 2 big debts, but we are through that now.
I love our life and would be happy to carry on as we are as I know relationships go through fazes but I feel nothing inside for him.
Help!

buzzsore Mon 08-Aug-11 17:45:43

I'm not surprised you don't have much sex-drive if you're pestered for sex and don't get much out of it. He sounds pretty selfish sexually, making life uncomfortable if he doesn't get it. sad Sex isn't something he earns or deserves, it's supposed to be mutually wanted & enjoyed.

What you could do is look at the contraception you're using - often times, if you're on a hormonal form it can reduce your libido. Try going to a different doctor at your surgery if the one you tried before was useless. Is it possible you're suffering an underlying depression? Because that can kill libido too.

TBH, with such a selfish lover for a partner, I'm not sure any attempts to 'fix' your libido will work - he needs to back off and stop making it about keeping him happy sexually and start thinking about giving you pleasure.

mumsamilitant Mon 08-Aug-11 18:28:32

Oh dear, dreadful for you! But I think if a lot of women are honest, once we have the babies a lot of us (not all, so don't shoot me down in flames) go off sex, unless of course its "new" and we're going through the rabbit stage! I believe its a "nature" thing. Do feel though that a few times a week is a massive pressure for you. The more we feel we "have to" the more we don't want to. Could you not sit him down and explain that your libido isn't the same as his? I also have to say that the hormonal coil can do this. Anti d's can also do this and of course as previously stated depression. Please don't think you ever HAVE to have sex!

I've been with my partner for a couple of years and we have sex roughly once a week. I'm sure he'd like it more but tough really! lol.... My libido is my libido!

mumsamilitant Mon 08-Aug-11 18:37:16

Just to give you a little chuckle! A friend works in a doctors surgery. She told me that a bloke came in the other day and asked for viagra, he's 75! Mate said to me "Jesus Christ" don't they ever bloody stop!!!! His poor wife!

happyclapper Mon 08-Aug-11 20:32:09

Sorry for the late reply.....teatime/bedtime etc. Thanks mumsamilitant, that did make me smile, and then think "oh God will he never stop?"
Seriously I'm not taking any contraception as I'm 48 ( and we would secretly like another baby though obviously too old now). Had DS1 at 39 and DS2 at 44.
My big mistake was taking the advice from that bloody book that said ' just do it'. Sex that is as , the author went on to proclaim, it will only take a short time (true), it will make the relationship happier and once you start you will probably enjoy it (not true).
That got us into a several times a week habit which he now thinks is normal as opposed to the once a fortnight we used to do.
I have told him exactly how I feel about the sex which he responded to be getting me some herbal Viagra.
In his defence he would try to please me but I wont let him. I just cannot be intimate. I can't even remember the last time we kissed.
Also in his defence he does everything to make my life as easy as possible, i.e. works 2 jobs so I don't have to work full-time, though never expects me to cook for him . When he gets home he dives straight in to hep with the kids so I can have a rest. God I sound really spoiled now but I do appreciate it.
I just want to be intimate and loving with him and I can't.

mumsamilitant Wed 10-Aug-11 15:04:44

He does seem to be "trying" a bit too hard regarding the sex thing etc. Which would, if I'm honest, annoy me. Maybe it is a case that you have, for a million of reasons, fallen out of love with him? It happens. If the feeling isn't there sometimes it just isn't.

springydaffs Thu 11-Aug-11 12:47:14

I hate to suggest the obvious but it looks like there's something that got programmed into you, probably during your childhood, which means you reach a plateau in your relationships and can't go any further. Plus a significant partner cheated on you - that's a biggy.

the situation you're in can't go on. I'm sorry about your crap GP (are there any good ones I wonder? sad) but I would suggest the problem is in your head/heart, not your loins. I don't know if you've reached the menopause yet - not, if you're secretly considering having another child - but that's when your libido can dive, and you'll both be in trouble then tbh.

It looks like you've reached a stalemate - been there before? - and I would suggest counselling, long term, to get to the bottom of what that block actually is. It's usually totally obvious, only we've lived with it for so long we are blind to the elephant in the room.

Apologies if I'm being too obvious/armchair psychologist. Only our minds are so powerful and we ignore them at our peril. imo!

Renaissance227 Thu 11-Aug-11 16:09:06

I hate to say this but he sounds great to me. Does everything to make your life as easy as possible and wants loads of sex! Being highly sexed myself he sounds ideal!

BUT I can understand how hard it must be for you when you get nothing from it and feel you HAVE to initiate it so often.
Why can't you be intimate and loving with him? What is lacking? and why won't you let him please you? Do you not want him that way at all anymore?

MajorB Thu 11-Aug-11 17:11:39

I think we need a bit more info here to help you, like:

1.What made you fall for your DP in the first instance? Did you see him across the room and think " phooooworr, can't wait to get into his pants!" or was it something else that drew you to him?
If there was initially a strong physical attraction initially, have your feelings changed because he has (terrible phrase I know) let himself go?
If it was his personality that made you fancy him have you had a chance to let that shine recently (I.e. Go out for dinner and have a child-free intellectual conversation if it's intellect and witty repartee that gets you going, or arranging a social gathering if you like his "life & soul of the party" side).

2. Have you had much time to be yourselves, rather than "mum" and "dad"?
Do you switch into domestic routine whenever you see him, or do you take the time to do things together that you both enjoy, country walks, game of scrabble, night out dancing? Whatever floats your boat!

3. Also, have you had much chance to see yourself as a sexual being recently? I'm not talking about working a street corner at night (!) but have you gone out with the girls, dressed up, chatted to new people, and just felt that you are an attractive, vibrant, fanciable person?

What I think I'm trying to ascertain from the above is has the way you view him sexually changed because he's physically changed, or because your life together now shows him in a different light? Have you had time to see each other as individuals & sexual beings, or is it all work and no play? And lastly, how do you feel about yourself? As if you don't feel like a sexy person, you're not really going to be into sex with anyone.

Gosh this is a long post! Hope it makes sense.

springydaffs Thu 11-Aug-11 17:19:35

Also OP, how is he going to know there's an issue if you fake it 3 or 4 times a week? sad

buzzsore Thu 11-Aug-11 17:22:53

Cos she told him how she felt and he heard/understood her cos he suggested herbal viagra?

Renaissance227 Fri 12-Aug-11 14:40:16

Good post Major8. Would love to hear the answers to your questions.
He suggested herbal viagra but she still goes and initiates sex three or four times a week! Talk about mixed messages. If you aren't really into sex and you've told your husband that would you really initiate sex that often. My DP and me are highly sexed but don't always manage it 3 or 4 times a week because we are tired/busy etc, so to "fake" interest that often is just crazy!
It's like you told him you don't want sex anymore and aren't interested but then you go and jump him 3 or 4 times a week! confused

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