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I feel we need counselling, but it's just impossible.

(3 Posts)
PreferredPlanet Mon 08-Aug-11 15:26:08

We don't have anyone to look after the kids as a one-off, more or less, let alone at a regular time for weeks and weeks.

Maybe someone on here can shed some light. We're not at a splitting up stage, but we do regularly (maybe every couple of months) have arguments which cause us to be silent with each other for a good couple of days, which is horrible. He's worse than me in this respect, and I have to wait until he's ready to talk - he says he often simply can't pull himself out of the dark, morose mood he gets into after we disagree.

My problem - pretty much the only one I have with him - is the way he sometimes speaks to me - his attitude, tone of voice. It sounds like it has irritation and contempt behind it. It's very hard to put my finger on sometimes. He seems distant when we're out with other people, and it makes me feel embarrassed sometimes, as if he feels it's not cool to be friendly to me. I feel that he can have a problem with me, but why not talk about it calmly rather than retreating into himself and being short with me?

He didn't have a great example set by his own parents - they were always at each other's throats shouting at each other when he was little, and didn't try particularly hard to keep their disagreements from him. We do our best with our 4 DC, but it's only a matter of time before oldest DD (7) is going to suss that we've barely said a word to each other for a couple of days.

I know this isn't anywhere near as serious as some of the awful DH/DP problems on here - when we're not like this we're fine, we're a great family and make each other laugh ... but the thought of regularly having these situations for the rest of our lives is somewhat depressing. Nothing's changed in all the time we've been together. Do we just have to put up with it once in a while?

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts, thanks.

happyclapper Mon 08-Aug-11 16:22:01

You describe your DH the way my DP would probably describe me and I don't mean to talk to him like that it's just become a habit.
I heard a friend of mine talking to her husband in the same disrespectful, dismissive way and I was horrified particularly when I realised that'e exactly what I do.
Sorry that's probably not very helpful but what I am trying to say is that he may not realise how he is coming across when he is irritated with you.
Again my parents barely spoke to each other and I fear we are products of our upbringing no matter how we fight against it.
We argue infront of the kids which I hate so I am making a real effort to change me attitude but it's not easy.
I think there are underlying issues which, although not relevant now, have left feelings of resentment which trigger an automatic response in times of irritation.
You may have to consider counselling. I wish we could but am a little afraid of what it will dig up when, like you say, people have it alot worse.

ameliagrey Mon 08-Aug-11 16:39:07

Relate do email and phone counselling- and it's cheaper than going in person. Sorted!
Just look at their website.

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