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can someone please recommend a book to me on men?!

(44 Posts)
needanewmanual Mon 08-Aug-11 12:27:42

i have name changed.

i grew up in a house of all women- parents split when i was very young.

when i first got married i read men are from mars women are from venus and i found it useful. but now three years into marriage im beginning to read more into it, and understand now the critique of it as being a bit more flexible about what men need to change (ie not very much) and much more demanding on what women should do hmm

so now i need a new book as i'm getting increasingly frustrated by some things!! i feel like i just need to gain a new 'filter' so i can understand what things are unreasonable and what things are just a case of men being men.

btw we have a very good relationship and are very happy. i just get annoyed by things such as never doing his paperwork and letting piles of paper mount up (angry probably need to let that one go) or leaving the kettle by the sink instead of its base (again probably need to start ignoring!) but also the way he can sometimes waste a lot of time when there's things need doing (which i think is a bit more reasonable to warrant me getting annoyed).

i also want tips on how to communicate better my frustrations to actually cause change, rather than keep it all in, or nag, both of which are unhelpful.

sorry if this sounds silly or pointless, i'm just hoping someone can recommend a good book really.

garlicbutter Mon 08-Aug-11 12:33:56

Those aren't 'men' things, they're character things!

You're right about communication, though. Women have a bad habit of reading stuff into things, hearing what's unsiad (and may not have been meant), etc. Most men communicate straightforwardly. My advice is to practise saying what you really mean, even if it takes a couple of goes. If you're upset and don't need answers, tell him you just need a "listen" (that bit is is Mars/Venus.)

Piles of paper, kettle, teabags on worktop - I do all that, and I was female when I got up today grin

needanewmanual Mon 08-Aug-11 14:11:28

Lol I guess lots of peole do those things then...I have tried being direct and mostly that still doesn't work !! I thunk I'm feeling it more today as we had a row last night and I blurted out some stuff that should have been expressed more calmly and at a better time then I would have felt assertive rather than moanysad

Hoping I get a book reccommendation still ...

garlicbutter Mon 08-Aug-11 14:17:55

Perhaps the book you require isn't about men (who are people, after all!) but more about managing your anxieties, assertive communication, that sort of thing? Have you read "Don't sweat the small stuff" by Richard Carlson?

Apocalypto Mon 08-Aug-11 14:18:34

Millions of Women are Waiting to Meet You.

What is about men you don't understand? They're different, is all.

nocake Mon 08-Aug-11 14:18:47

Every person is different so you'd need a book that tells you how your DH works and I doubt that would sell very well smile.

Whatmeworry Mon 08-Aug-11 14:33:14

Book, heck - it can all be written down on one side of A4 - they are pretty simple creatures compared to women! My MIL once said something on the lines of feed 'em, fuck 'em and flatter 'em grin

In my experience women get into trouble if they think they can change men into someone they are not (hint hint OP)

ameliagrey Mon 08-Aug-11 16:51:58

I think you are just coming out of thehoneymoon phase when suddenly all those little behaviour things start to drive you mad.

Welcome to the reality of marriage smile

There is no book that will help you.

If you want to learn how to communicate better I'd recommend some personal coaching with a relationship coach ( choose one who is a qualified psychologist preferably) or a counsellor.

Apocalypto Mon 08-Aug-11 16:52:45

Who was it who said that men marry women thinking they won't change and women marry men thinking they will, and both are disappointed?

Apocalypto Mon 08-Aug-11 16:54:34

Bear in mind that what women regard as communication, men often regard as talking a lot without necessarily saying anything.

needanewmanual Mon 08-Aug-11 17:30:01

I definitely need to stop thinking these annoying things can change and I also need to stop getting annoyed vby them too, so the don't sweat book sounds interesting. Theres another side to this though which is how to communicate better about things that can and should change-and also to be able tO work out whether I'm being reasonable in categorising thE issue as the latter ratherthen as an annoying thing I must get over iyswim

Whatmeworry Mon 08-Aug-11 17:41:01

Well I have just written down some "things I wish I'd been told":

1. Men cannot see what is untidy/dirty/without it being clearly pointed out to them
2. Although they can drive cars/planes/trains they cannot work washing machines/dishwashers/hoovers without careful training and supervision
3. Men by and large say what they mean, no more, no less.
4. Thats when they say something of course - getting them to talk about feelings etc a waste of time, you can tell by what they do.
5. About 90% of the time they run reliably, the other 10% of the time they can be total dickheads.
6. The dickheadedness is mainly because they can't see the subtle signals and signs that are blatantly obvious to any woman, and you have to tell them what to you doesn't need saying. Get used to "I'm not a mind reader"
7. If its not that the dickheadedness is because they are thinking with their dicks.

(Btw something i have picked up from others (esp raeding MN boards grin ) is that sex is not an optional extra in a relationship with most men.)

HTH - I'm sure others can add more.

Apocalypto Mon 08-Aug-11 18:29:42

Oddly enough, Whatmeworry, my cleaner refuses to work for single women or all-female households. They are apparently just too dirty compared to single men's or all-male households.

Slobbishness is a personality disease IMHO, but a weird one because the symptoms are inflicted on the non-slobs the slob lives with.

A slob can live with a non-slob because the non-slob will tidy up and the non-slob doesn't care that the place is less of a tip. A non-slob cannot live with a slob, however, because the slob can wreck the place faster than the non-slob can tidy it up and thus the non-slob has to live in the slob's chaos. It is actually a relationship breaker IMHO.

mumsamilitant Mon 08-Aug-11 19:40:38

A book to help us with men! lol... soz OP. They are the quite "simple" ones, if normal! They say what they mean. Listen and there isn't any real problem, women on the other hand tend to "see into things". I had a row once with DP and left the book "Men are from Mars" out for him. He put it back and said "I don't know what is wrong until you tell me, I don't need a book to read" I need to talk to you!

Whatmeworry Mon 08-Aug-11 19:52:20

Ooh here are some more:

8. Men continue to like "bachelor men" things even after marriage - and that means drinking, porn, farting loudly in bed, arguing about silly ball games with other men in pubs, and reading Car Porn mags
9. They take 10x longer on the toilet, their cocks must disrupt the rear channel or something
10. Men are very into making babies* but far less keen on the consequencies until said babies can play with a ball of some sort or if DD can bat an eyelash. They also cannot stand the smell of baby poo and cannot hear a crying baby at 2 feet at 2am

*Except (reading MN) if they are put on an "if its Tuesday and its fuckday" ttc regime.

niceguy2 Mon 08-Aug-11 19:57:16

I agree with most of what's been said so far.

Us men by & large are pretty straight forward. If there's a problem we prefer to be told straight. Hints, huffing & puffing are not the same as being told.

Also listen to what we SAID and not what you THOUGHT we mean. So for example if I say "I'll wash up later", I mean...."later". If I have not washed up within the "10 minutes" you thought I should have, that's your problem not mine!

And deffo true on the don't try to change us thing. My ex was like that. I remember one argument where she was bawling me out over something I've always done. I said "But i've always done this" and her reply was "Yes but I thought I could change that." Again her problem....not mine.

But to be honest OP I think you need to take a deep look at your relationship and see if these things are minor and worth the aggro...or not. Things like leaving the kettle by the sink are minor problems. There are loads of stuff my partner does like that which annoys me and vice versa.

The key thing is on the important issues can you be fully open and honest. So if there is a problem with money, family & sex. Can you be totally open about those things?

mumsamilitant Mon 08-Aug-11 20:04:29

Yes but Niceguy2 would it hurt to move the kettle to where she wanted it to be? would it hurt to wash up after a meal and not leave the mess? Not sure I understand the .. its her problem stuff.... surely if you love the other then what makes them happy and keeps the peace easily is a bonus? its often the little tweeks we can make matter!

mumsamilitant Mon 08-Aug-11 20:06:48

I can back this up by the fact that my DP likes lots of stuff done in a certain way and so do I. We accommodate each others little quirks, we don't say its your problem??

mumsamilitant Mon 08-Aug-11 20:17:40

Back to the OP... soz for hijacking your question. As said previously, men usually say things in black and white. But if the other person isn't considerate of the 'little corosive things' its not a good. Just tell him what bugs you. I remember being in my present relationship at the beginning and double thinking all the time! what a nutter I was, but it was the end of the honeymoon period i guess and real life set in. Don't double think, it will drive you mad! just say what it is.

EverSoLagom Mon 08-Aug-11 20:30:33

Ok, well i'd like to recommend "Wifework" by Susan Maushart.

needanewmanual Mon 08-Aug-11 20:31:04

Thanks all this thread is making me laugh a lot and also think a lot! I do think some of the things are minor and I guess me starting the thread is part of me acknowledging that to myself. I just wish I knew how to get the changes I do want in re imp things which are connected to money and have been connected to family in the past so fit in with niceguys groups of imp things. I guess the key message is the annoying things are not because he's male but just because everyone does things others find annoying. That's the beat message I've taken from this thread. Thanks. Am thinking tho that I should have started the thread instead as 'what u wish someone had told u', I think whatmeworry you've understood one if the things I was getting at but couldn't articulate!

giyadas Mon 08-Aug-11 20:35:58

I second EverSoLagoms recommendation, "wifework" , should give you a different filter to view things through.

nocake Mon 08-Aug-11 20:53:20

I'm a little bemused at 8 on whatmeworry's list. Why would you expect someone (man or woman) to suddenly change the sort of things they like just because they get married. Surely you marry someone because of what they're like and would be disappointed if they changed overnight?

DuelingFanjo Mon 08-Aug-11 20:55:48

how about you just don't understand'

roses2 Mon 08-Aug-11 21:24:02

Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship

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