I have posted before about my abusive relationship under a different name. Just name changing because paranoid about him reading it all.
I managed to peacefully get my H to move out about 2 months ago. Initially I felt overwhelming relief and peace. It was so nice. Felt good. Felt free and happy that I managed to get safely out.
Almost immediately I wanted another man. I posted about having a NSA fling, which I did. At the time I just wanted to prove to myself that I didn't have a problem with sex as H used to tell me all the time I did, and was pretty abusive in that area too. Turns out I didn't have a problem with sex, and had a nice time with someone who was basically a stranger (never done that before).
But where I am now, is that I am so cross with myself for being reliant on a man for my feelings. I have had various attachments with men since we split - some sexual, all flirty. And I am so disappointed in myself. Why do I need a man? I met someone who is lovely kind and gorgeous, but I know I just come across as a twat with him because I am so needy.
I just feel like I need someone with a nice touch, a nice way to heal me. I look at other couples and see their lovely little touches and want it so badly too. Yet I know I appear like a needy loser to any man I meet. I don't want to be like this and am probably just starting to realise how fucked up I am by my 'marriage'. I have huge regrets.
And then there is the H. I am not a nasty person and never called the police, never stopped him seeing the DCs. And he is now taking the piss I think. He drops round more and more and even gave me a kiss goodbye the other day and called saying "how is my gorgeous estranged wife?". He is desperate for us to get back together and is, to be fair to him, doing the perpetatrors 30 week course and is not denying his abuse and trying to change the way he is. I am honest with him and say that I don't know whether him changing will be enough. I don't know whether he truly accepts this and thinks we have a connection that we have to work out.
So I just feel so desperately sad at the moment. I am chasing men but being needy. I have been too good with my H. And I am just left not knowing who the fuck I am. I am always fun to be with and thus my friends think I am handling everything well, but I am so sick of being strong cos I feel like crap.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Dark days
SquirrelTrap · 08/08/2011 11:08
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