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am I right to end this friendship?

11 replies

wheelshavefallenoffthebus · 08/08/2011 10:28

sorry more a bit of a rant to help work this situation out..

I had a very small antenatal group and we meet up regularly at each others houses. One member of the group makes me feel excluded from conversations when we are together (eg her problems with BFing) and has become quite demanding in terms of what she wants out of our meet ups (eg doesn't want people round at hers because she wants DS to nap on his way over to someone else's house, wants lunch provided etc). I am heavily PG with DC2 and frankly do not have the energy to host everyone for more than a few hours.

She has also made quite barbed comments in the past about me saying that I had it easy with DS1 when in fact that is quite far from the truth. After I had DS1 I had to go back in to hospital the same night I was discharged by ambulance with a postnatal infection and needed a blood transfusion due to a post partum haemorrhage. So no I don't think I had it easy at all but I am not the kind of person to keep going on about it forever as I need to move on and not rehash it. But we all have to listen to her problems with BFing for months and the guilt of having to formula feed etc etc which I sympathise with but at the end of the day she had a healthy baby and she was ok. I managed to keep BFing through the infection and transfusion etc thanks to an amazing MW but was close to saying I couldn't keep going with it.

A few months ago I got quite upset about feeling excluded and deliberately got involved in other baby groups etc so as to reduce the times I would meet up with the antenatal group. This has definitely helped. However I now feel it may be time to cut this particular "friendship" completely as I am sick of being treated like this and of this person being rude and abrupt to me in my own home. Life is too short. My DH can't stand her either and feels she is manipulative and wants to be 'queen bee' of the group.

Has anyone else had a similar problem or has any advice as to dissolve this 'toxic' friendship?

Thanks

OP posts:

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CrazyChicken · 08/08/2011 10:34

I haven't, but it as you aren't enjoying the friendship anymore I would shred. Like you say life's too short.

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wheelshavefallenoffthebus · 08/08/2011 10:51

I think I am annoyed at having tried to keep these group meetings going when for me they are clearly not working. Haven't quite worked out how to explain why I don't want to meet up as a group to the friend that I do get on well with.

OP posts:

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uninspired · 08/08/2011 10:54

End it. You don't need people who are making you unhappy

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amIbeingdaft · 08/08/2011 10:58

Just invite the people you do like. There's no law saying you must meet as a group.

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OTheHugeManatee · 08/08/2011 11:00

She sounds like a cowbag. Life's too short to hang around with nasty people.

As for how to move on, you have two options: just keep being 'too busy', and wait for the invitations to peter out, or be direct: email cowbag directly and tell her you've decided to duck out of the antenatal group as you have found being around her uncomfortable and don't think it's in your or your baby's best interests to continue the meetups. Then email the others and tell them you've decided to leave the group because cowbag is making you uncomfortable. Then ignore any back-and-forth that results from your emails. Then find another group to attend.

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HarlotOTara · 08/08/2011 11:02

It is envy imo, she is evidentally very upset about not breastfeeding and you have managed to do so, hence the need to dismiss and exclude you. I am assuming that you don't feel she is someone with whom you can discuss the situation? What about the other members of the group - do they feel as you do?

I suppose you could say that because you feel marginalised and have felt as if you are not being treated with respect that you no longer wish to meet up.
It feels very hurtful.

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HairyJo · 08/08/2011 11:04

End it. You only know her her because you happened to be having a baby at the same time. Sometimes you meet people you love that way sometime you meet people you can't stand.

In any other situation you were unlikely to be friends so I would move on and look for people whose comapny you enjoy. Lifes too short!

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storytopper · 08/08/2011 11:05

Speak privately to the friend you do get on with and explain your feelings about your problem friend. You may find that she is thinking the same thing.

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ImperialBlether · 08/08/2011 11:06

Can't you just see women on your own? As for the one who is vile, you need to sort out some very short answers for her. This reminds me of being in school, where you're forced into being together - you're not. Nothing bad will happen if you stop seeing this woman.

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warthog · 08/08/2011 11:10

say to the friend you want to keep that you no longer feel that you're enjoying the meet-ups and you're going to take a step back. she will read between the lines or ask for more detail. just tell her the truth without bitching about nightmare woman. chances are she feels the same.

then don't host and don't go to any more meetings saying you're too busy. or go to the odd one when YOU feel like it.

i also suspect that this woman will twig after a few meetings where you're not there, and might tone down her behaviour.

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wheelshavefallenoffthebus · 08/08/2011 12:00

thanks all for the advice.
I am going to talk to the friend I get on with and explain I want to meet up separately from now on. I have a feeling she may have picked up on some of the comments and behaviour so hopefully will not think I am being oversensitive. I will soon have a new baby to look after and will not have much time anyway, and much less precious time to spend with someone who makes me feel like poo.