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I feel so old, sad and stupid.

(8 Posts)
booziefloozie Sun 07-Aug-11 18:15:10

I've been with my DH for 18 years since I was 18. The marriage hasn't been great and it has deteriorated to a stage where we are now simply two people living in the same house bringing up our two children. Sex is almost non-existent. DH is a very heavy drinker and through drink has behaved very badly and treated me like dirt to the extent it has killed any love I have for him. I wish I was brave enough to leave him and start anew (or for him to move out) but I am not.

I have major self confidence issues and in 18-years I have never been 'chatted up' by anyone which does leave me feeling unattractive. On the other hand DH has cheated on me several times.

I've been flirting on FB with a guy from work and because I "want to be liked" I just went along with his line of chat, which quickly turned flirty and then onto sex talk, and this guy "kindly" offered to "scratch my itch".

Since then I feel like a teenager. I'm constantly checking my FB and phone to see if he has messaged me. I sit with the laptop on my knee for hours on end just to see if he's online. If he is online I sit there willing him to start a conversation with me as I don't want to appear like I am stalking him. Sometimes he will start one and it will just be chatty, sometimes it's flirty. I don't even know if he really likes me. We barely speak to each other at work apart from to say Hi.

I haven't said anything to anyone about him, and he doesn't seem to have told anyone about our contact so far.

However I went out with him and some other colleagues this weekend and he just blanked me. I was very drunk and became a bit miffed and rather than speak face to face I ended up sending a load of texts which brought it to the attention of his flatmate, also a colleague (who read one of the texts I sent him), and now I just feel so sad and desperate. I'm dreading facing them at work tomorrow and just think I'll hide in my corner all day! To make it worse I also told the flatmate that I really fancied him (the colleague, not the flatmate) so now it's out in the open.

I did send a couple of texts yesterday to him, which he replied to, but they were just chatty. I sent the last one, which meant it was his turn to reply and he didn't.

I admit to getting a cheap thrill from the pathetic bit of attention he is paying to me. The first bit of male attention I have had in 18 years.

I don't know what I'm posting for, I just think I want to get things off my chest - as I said - no one knows in real life (well, until now) and I feel like I could explode.

cyb Sun 07-Aug-11 18:19:24

Wanting male attention is nothing to be ashamed of- ideally its from your husband too. Seems like you should put your house in order before you venture into anything else (altho I know your H didnt afford you the same courtesy)

Why did the marriage stay together if he cheated on you?

booziefloozie Sun 07-Aug-11 18:20:56

...Because of the children....because he's a nice person when he's sober (rarely)....because I've never lived alone (went straight from my mum and dad into living with DH) so the thought terrifies me....

GertieWooster Sun 07-Aug-11 18:34:44

Don’t feel old, sad or stupid – you’re not, you’re lonely.

What is stopping you leaving/kicking out your husband? There is nothing more lonely than being in an unhappy relationship.

You are latching on to morsels of attention that are being thrown your way by this colleague and this is ultimately not going to do your self esteem any good as you will get (are getting) hurt by this. Ignore this person at work – apart from work related stuff obviously – he sounds immature.

You need to get your own self back and build your self-esteem. What about joining clubs for things that interest you: sport, art, cooking.

Whatmeworry Sun 07-Aug-11 19:22:38

Well, at least this shows you you are still attractive rather than old, stupid and lonely. It's a bad idea to get involved with workmates, but if DH isn't paying any attention to you I see no reason why you don't start going out, doing new things, and meeting new people etc - get your confidence up

As to an affair with someone you meet, well cross that bridge when you come to it.

garlicbutter Sun 07-Aug-11 20:14:17

OK, face it out at work. If they don't start a conversation about how legless "some of you" were, do it yourself - say something like "I must have made a right prat of myself, thanks for making sure I got home / not taking the mick / whatever." No harm done.

Offering to scratch your itch is not an expression of desire, more of self-aggrandisement (even if light-hearted).

Your confidence is in a sorry state. Reading your posts, I think you need to divorce BUT FIRST you need to get your 'self' back. Find a counsellor. That will do far more for you than a half-meant shag with some geezer.

LuckyMrsT Mon 08-Aug-11 16:43:13

First of all OP please stop contacting the facebook guy immediately. He blanks you in public - how is this treatment any better than what you get from your husband? It will hardly improve your self esteem.

You are not old and sad OP (but a bit stupid maybe wink when it comes to men). Of course you do not get chatted up - you are married! Most men who know this won't bother, why would they? You are off limits. I don't get chatted up these days either but I am neither sad nor old thank you very much!

I'm not going to advise you what to do about your marriage - only you can know what is best. Do some really serious thinking and soul searching.

And don't worry about what people at work may or may not say. You got drunk and acted a bit silly - so what? It will quickly be old news, hold your head high.

Best of luck OP x

HPonEverything Mon 08-Aug-11 17:07:58

You're 36 - hardly 'old'! You got drunk at a work do - been there done that (who hasn't?) - just brush it off.

The fb guy sounds like a tease to be honest, be civil at work but you need to stop with all the online flirting, it's just going to make you feel worse in the long run. I imagine he's getting more of a thrill from flirting with you and then blanking you, than you're getting from the scraps of attention - don't give him the satisfaction!

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