Little question over a friend

[leaveitnow]

Just value some opinions. made a new friend about 5 years back and we got on well. At the start she was sad and needy but soon perked up nad found new love etc. I got a bit stuck with my issues and became a bit too needy- felt it was all me me me at times. Needless to say she backed off a bit , didn't contact me so often, though did email me now and then to say sorry for not keeping in touch more.

I let it drift to see if she owuld make more contact which she didn't then a few weeks ago I posted some books she had loaned me. I put in a short note saying hope life was going well, love XXX .

I have since wondered if she felt I was ending things by not giving her the books in person, and not suggesting meeting up in my note.

This was about 8 weeks back.

I do like her and would like to keep in touch but am worried she might not want to, and is glad to see the back of me!

Opinions?

[leaveitnow]

Yeah that's what I was thinking- though it's coming up to a year since we last met.

We exchanged Xmas cards, then I didn't hear anything so sent the books .

I just wonder if she thinks it a bit churlish of me sending the books rather than asking to meet. But to be honest, I made most of the running for the last few months when we were in touch.

She has loads of friends, a new job, a new man, and I know her life is really full. I need or value her friendship more than she needs or values mine, I'm sure.

She's such a lovely person and I am kicking myself for what I see as messing it up by being a bit self centred for a lot of the time we were good friends. I was having horrible man-issues, she was a good listener and now I feel I took advantage of it a bit too much.

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

So when she was needy - you were there for her, and when you went through a bad patch and needed her, she ran a mile? Is that what you are saying?

[leaveitnow]

This is tricky because of anonymity issues.
When we met, I was advising her in a professional way, which then developed into a close friendship. As I got to know her better, I offloaded about my issues. In the end, we would spend a lot of time discussing these when we met. By this stage her own life was taking shape and she was much happier.The tables turned, if you like, or our roles reversed! I was really stuck for ages with a difficult relationship issue. Because we weren't really old friends, she was polite enough never to say "Oh I am so sick of hearing about you and X, just move on, get out of it..." and so on. She listened and advised but maybe she thought that that was all our meetings revolved around- which is not true- I did ask about her life etc etc.
She really turned her life round after being divorced, a couple of dodgy relationships etc then she got new qualifications, new job, new man, and life is great for her. I am really pleased. But I wonder if she has not kept in touch because she can't bear the thought of hearing about me and X again, and again.
I don't know. I got tired of always being the one to email or call, and although she is genuinely really busy, I did hope she would reply to the books being sent.
I don't want to make her feel awkward by keeping in touch if she just wants to leave it all behind now.

[itwasthat]

i suspect she is just getting on with her life, you may represent the past to her, give her a call ; one last shot just to say hi

[garlicbutter]

She's created a whole new life since then? Different job, different bloke ... different friends? It's possible she has left absolutely everything behind. It's certain that she's been very very busy with herself, so I don't feel you should read anything into her reduced contact other than that - she's been busy.

You're making this a little too much about you, I suspect. Send her a nice email suggesting a catch-up date for coffee or lunch. Keep a light touch. If it doesn't happen, it's far less likely to be because of who you are than that she's keeping all of her past behind her.

[Hertfordshire]

Do you think that maybe she didn't agree with your take on whatever relationship problems you were confiding in her about, but was too polite to say so? Also, do you think she might have discussed you with her new partner/friends and they disapprove of you?

I once worked with a woman who seemed nice on the surface, but she took to telling me all about her affairs throughout her long marriage. I just found that I hated the way she lived her life and was so self-absorbed that she couldn't see the damage she was doing to her marriage and her children. In the end, I couldn't bear to be in the same room as her.

[itwasthat]

why dont you find out if she got the books ok? perfect excuse, and then ask if she wants to meet up for a coffee. sometimes people fall into a rut socially because were all so busy ... give it a go and if this fails then back off