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Family members post-divorce

(4 Posts)
needtomoveon Sun 07-Aug-11 14:15:02

So I divorced X because he was a maniuplative, unfaithful, misogynistic alcoholic (I know the last is a disease not a character flaw). My family have been pretty unsupportive and think I am being a demanding woman. Three brothers are also divorced and in each case their Xs have been branded as the villains. So I think I am seeing a pattern here. My older brothers seem to hate women in general and one of them has launched quite a few verbal attacks on me accusing me of poor mothering and that my kids will turn against me. When I think about it coolly, I can see that he is nuts and I ought to be able to box that up and get on with things but instead what I do is to stew over it. I know it's not healthy but it has got under my skin. My brothers live in another country so I don't have to see them much but the one who loathes me and what I stand for most, has just visited. I really want to cut them out of my lives completely but I am not one for huge rucks and I also have one elderly parent who lives nearby who can't cope with these sort of things. As the ony grandparent the DCs have left, I want them to have a relationship with the most reasonable of a dodgy bunch of relatives.

How do I let go of the injustice and just get on with my life. I sort of managed to do it with X to the point where we can have a civil relationship as far as our DC are concerned. It seems much harder with family. Any ideas gratefully considered sad

buzzsore Sun 07-Aug-11 14:25:14

I think limited or no contact is your best bet, but just make excuses rather than having it out with them. So you stop being available to meet up, you're away that weekend they want to visit, your work has an important meeting, you've an appointment, or even "that won't work for me" and no explanation. That way you don't have to have a ruck, but you do get to control how & when you interact with them, and the less the better for you & yours.

GaramMasalaGirl Sun 07-Aug-11 14:39:00

I went through much the same thing when I walked out and divorced my XH. My family were awful to me, even though they had known that XP had been violent towards me and DD who was only little at the time.

My family originate from South Asia where culturally honour means everything and my divorce had brought dishonour to them. Like you, I spent forever stewing over things before deciding that in order to survive with some semblance of sanity the only was to cut those negative people out and focus on rebuilding my and DC's lives.

There was no huge row, I just stopped taking calls, inviting them around, going around etc. I told those that I did want keep in touch with that I didn't want them to tell me anything negative that they might have heard about me....and they stuck to that. That helped a lot......not having to hear the whispering and gossiping.

How do you let it go?.......take a deep breath and make a choice to just let it go. Refuse to get involved in any discussions about the divorce. You don't have to give reasons to anybody about why you decided to get a divorce. Focus on yourself and your DC. Good luck

needtomoveon Mon 08-Aug-11 18:00:05

Thanks - Garam my family is of southern Irish origin and they are obsessed with marriage vows and appearances (tho' none of my generation actually go to church hmm). I think the honour thing is spot on. I have somehow shamed the family...... the three other divorces were not shameful because the men weren't to blame hmm

Sheesh, families! I need to make a plan for Christmas when the toxic one comes to England again sad

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