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Please help me sort out my friendships as DH says is isn't right.

(10 Posts)
TheOriginalFAB Sun 07-Aug-11 10:06:31

I can count on one hand the amount of people who I see as friends and all of them live 100's of miles away sad. I am high maintenance due to MH issues and EI and also very insecure and unsure whether people really want me as a friend. I need my friends more than they me. I am grateful for the few crumbs I get from them. I realise I have been stupid in the past when I haven't replied to a text straight away as my friends rarely do and that hurts me, especially when it is clearly a situation where I need help or support. I know this is unreasonable of me as people have lives, children, jobs, whereas I just have children.

I am trying to arrange a meet up next month and in the process might have said something that has upset them. I don't know whether to just wait until I hear from them though I have no way of knowing when that might be or if it will be in time to book anything. Apoogise if I have upset them or text and say we need to sort our plans by X date or we will run out of time.

I want to be less needy too as it is really annoying.

SJisontheway Sun 07-Aug-11 10:16:58

I think a phone call is the only way to go. Leave a message if they don't answer and explain you want to firm up plans. I don't think that comes across as needy, and talking directly rather than by text will make it much easier to work out if you think an apology is necessary.

TheOriginalFAB Sun 07-Aug-11 10:21:43

I tried to ring yesterday and got no reply. Didn't get the option to leave a message.

purplepidjin Sun 07-Aug-11 10:32:53

What are you doing to deal with the MH issues? because thinking of yourself as "high maintenance" and assuming you've upset them is a classic sign that you're depressed and is the example used in my CBT worksheets of situations where your thinking can be changed.

If your friends are good friends, you shouldn't be made to feel grateful for their attention. If you're not high on their list of priorities, they're not good friends.

The point of a text is that you can reply to it at your convenience. You are NOT a bad friend for leaving it while you deal with the shitty nappy/car journey/washing machine instead of jumping straight on your phone - that's what calls are for wink

"...might have said something that has upset them"

If they're upset, they can damned well have the courtesy to tell you instead of playing mind games! You have no proof you've upset anybody - but I know how easy it is to think that when you're depressed.

GypsyMoth Sun 07-Aug-11 10:36:45

Where foes your DH come into it? What's he think?

Gardenpixie Sun 07-Aug-11 10:50:29

Hi OP, sorry you are feeling insecure about all of this. I agree with purple that being a in a situation where you feel "grateful for the few crumbs" you get from people is not a great place to be. FWIW I think you sound like a very considerate and self-aware person; it could be that MH issues are making you see things as much worse than thay are and a phone call could put your mind at ease about it all. It is totally reasonable to want to firm up plans so given them a shout would not be stepping over the line at all.

I have had MH problems in the past and two of my very good friends have quite severe bi-polar disorder. I have never thought of them as high maintenance and I know my friends did not see me that way when I was going through my problems - even though I thought they would at the time. If your friends are true friends then they won't see you as high maintenance - they could just be really busy and not get that they need to let you know asap. I know I am a bit shit with things like that when I am busy with things but it's no reflection of how I feel about the person trying to organise an event, or of how much I want to go, just of how rubbish my organisational skills are blush

And I have to say that it doesn't sound like you're being needy; you're just trying to organise a get together and need people to get back to you.

I hope they get in touch soon smile

It does sound like you feel quite isolated though. Are there things you can do to meet people closer to where you live? I know it's not the same as having really good friends that you've known for ages near by but it might help you feel a bit more connected to where you are? Ignore me if that is a bad idea, just a thought!

Also, as purple said, are you getting all the help you need with your MH?

TheOriginalFAB Sun 07-Aug-11 11:06:59

I am on AD's and have also bought some self help CDs to listen too.

I have texted to say I didn't explain myself very well and apologised if I upset them. I also said I need to know asap if she still wants to meet up as I need to organise animals, meds, etc.

DH sees me upset and I was in tears last week as I miss my friends so much and don't feel like this is home. He also knows how some friends constantly let me down.

I think I am high maintenance and really annoying too as I am having the same issues/battles and conversations and don't seem to make progress. I have, I just got a few steps back sometimes too.

annieversaire Sun 07-Aug-11 11:24:11

I think you need to work out what would make you happy.

I've not many friends, they have taken me ages to make, and am also very insecure. But I realised they're different to me, they really seem to enjoy social occasions, hanging about with each other all day, going to each other's houses non stop etc.

I am sunk after just a few hours out with other people. I realised they don't see this as normal, and perhaps it isn't, but I can't think enough when there is a group or a crowd and it stresses me physically...I went out with them yesterday, they wanted to stay all day but after 3 hours I needed so badly to leave.
They were worried and thought I was upset, I wasn't, I just needed my own home, some mental space, and some lunch!

However at school I deal with them very well, but there I know I can make idle conversation and no one will insist I do anything else. I don't have to go out for the mums evenings, which I find too hard, I can just talk for 20 minutes twice a day and it's enjoyable.

People accept me like that now, and I accept myself. It's been a gradual process whereby I set my own boundaries, say yes or no to things, and they have begun to trust me and like me a bit.

If someone bestowed 20 new friends on me who all wanted to be sociable and go out having fun with me, I think I'd be terrified.

It's a case of getting a bit of what you need, recognising it and going from there...also owning your own idiosyncrasies, your negative and positive attributes and needs. People are generally happy to be your friend if they think they are making you happy. If they're afraid of offending you, or making you feel terrible (for example: Friend: 'Oh, I can't talk right now' You: 'oh God it's me isn't it, you hate me, I know I'm an awful person and no one likes me' Friend:'??!!!??') then they will back away slowly as that is high maintenance.

HTH a bit. Be a bit more okay with who you are, including the level of friendship you are comfy with. People will learn what you need and take it or leave it. You will end up with at least one friend. You've a husband who loves you - you're doing better than a lot of us!

TheOriginalFAB Sun 07-Aug-11 12:14:08

I hadn't upset her. She was just busy.

I suppose as so often I don't ever get replies to texts, never mind a few hours later, I feel sometimes she can't be doing with me.

I would be happy if there was only DH and me in the world but I do miss my previous life with friends and when things were easier.

Kallista Mon 08-Aug-11 02:21:14

I think texting can be a total nightmare at times! Even email / FB messaging. Especially if you have MH issues; I have BPD & I get paranoid very easily. So with texts I go over & over them checking that I have the meaning right. Also one of the traits I have of the disorder is that if I don't see someone for a short while then I can feel like they don't exist any more or that they don't like me any more.
So I am slowly being honest with my close friends & family (very difficult!) & saying that I prefer to phone them than text as things seem more real then. One or two just never answer the phone so I will say that they have to understand that even a one word text so I know they got MY text is better than nothing.
When you have MH issues, especially if you don't work, it's easy to get things out of proportion & think things are all about you. When friends are juggling busy lives they don't realise how important a simple text may be to you. It's very easy for people to misunderstand texts too & gets boring when texts get sent back & forth for simple things. That is why I recommend texting people to say you will phone them 'for a few minutes' to discuss arrangements. Having a proper phonecall can cheer you up & is much better for your MH!!

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