H and I got together when I was 21. I was the 'other woman' - he was 26, lived with his girlfriend (she has mental health issues and didn't leave the house much). They had an 'open' relationship and much history including her getting pregnant by another guy (she terminated). I knew her so know that stuff is true btw, which isn't to say he didn't spin the usual.
He told me he didn't love her, they hadn't had sex for eight months, her violence terrified him, he was worried about what she'd do if he left her blahblahblah. All true so far as it went but now, 10 years later, I look back and think 'so why didn't you leave her then? How was cheating on her better?' I had been specifically vetoed, in terms of the openness btw.
Despite my typical-OW defensiveness initially, I quickly realised what a horrible cow I was being and told him I had no respect for him (after she found out, he handled that typically too), and never wanted to see him again.
He spent two years trying to convince me he'd changed and loved me and showed with actions he thought about the world differently and here we are with three DC and, typically, I could trot out lots of 'oh he's an amazing husband and father' shit - he is.
But. Over the years I've had a series of enlightening moments, many right here on this board. And in many ways H is still the entitled arse he was then. I doubt he'd cheat on me in the way he cheated with me, because he couldn't justify it to himself, but he has zero contrition or regret about the way we got together. He says 'how can I regret it when we're so happy and the DC so perfect'.
Yeah well I have a bad taste in my mouth. I hate what I did but have worked hard and am genuinely a better person now. H isn't. He's the same guy. He is also a huge entitled wanker when it comes to sex and I'm thinking hmmm.
I can't make him see the light I think I've seen. He's a lot better wrt his attitudes to rape, m/f 'roles', etc (previously he held the usual wanky views we see so often on here), but i think his major regret about our affair is that I keep going on about it.
I doubt I have a leg to stand on with this given my own history but they say the best way to know what will happen in the future is what happened in the past and how furious with myself will I be if I'm sitting here all muggy in a few years when he's done the same thing again?
Essentially he's still the same wanky person. I see 'she got the booby prize' re OWs and I used to think oh not me, H is different, that was ages ago, we were so young, she was horrible, he loves me, he lives for the DCs.
But unless he feels shit about it I think maybe he is a booby prize. His attitudes to how women are percieved and treated have changed but his attitude to himself hasn't, he could roll his eyes along with me at the cheating partner script but still think in HIS case, back then, it was justified.
He says I should leave it and it's not relevant to our lives now. Maybe he's right.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
My feelings about how we got together are an issue
staircased · 07/08/2011 01:13
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.