I think this relationship has actually made me lose my mind...not the person I used or want to be

[scarygoat]

Our relationship is vile, horrible, awful.

We will have to split to protect the children it's got so bad.

i actually feel that all the trauma has robbed me of the nice side of my personality, I'm cold, vindictive, resentful, paranoid. I have violent mood swings which result in terrible rages.

If it wasn't for my children I would die, literally just go. I've screwed up my marriage, I've not really got many true friends, I just don't get on with people. I've consistently failed academically, my parents are disappointed, I didn't live up to expectations. I actually hate myself, I think my children would be better off without me but I don't want to upset them.

when we split I will be so lonely, because I'll have no mates, they will all side with him. I'll have no money, I've been crap at managing myself all my life, i'm so disorganised I end up turning the house upside down looking for things daily.

Everywhere I go it's like happy memories of the good times (6 years of them) are punching me in the face, every single street and landmark I remember us when we were good. I can't face the future as i know I'll just be lonely and miserable. I actually feel mad when I'm angry like I'm losing it, like I might get in the car and drive off a cliff. I don't know what to do.

[totallylost]

Have been there, counselling REALLY helped. Please try and get some help to make you realise you are not this horrible person you think you have become. I hated myself for so long, but now I accept me for who I am.

[scarygoat]

totallylost do you mean individual couselling or relationship? Thanks for your post btw.

I'm clutching at straws thinking we should try relate or something. despite the fact i hate and despise myself I do believe he's at fault too. He doesn't though that's part of the impasse between us.

We survive, just, at the moment just not being together too much. We have nice civilised even warm and friendly phone conversations but at home together it's like a pressure cooker. the atmosphere between us is so horrible it puts people off being with us I think even though we don't argue, the tension is unbearable.

[neuroticmumof3]

You'll probably be more even tempered and better able to cope once you're out of this relationship. Living in a pressure cooker atmosphere isn't conducive to being organised and calm. Do you have firm plans for separating or have you not got that far? I think you should start planning and being proactive.

[scarygoat]

tentative plans neuroticmumof3 maybe dh will go and stay in a different city for a while (but not too far) because his work means he's there a lot anyway. See dcs at the weekends.

But long term I'd have to leave this house, and my cats both of which I love. I can't afford the mortgage, God knows where i'd go. I went part time and depended on him financially after dcs were born. Problem is he's turned out not to be dependable, and I'm stuck now with a shitty income and no assets of my own.

[totallylost]

I had individual counselling, not to keep us together but to stop me from hating myself. It made me recognise why I was so harsh on myself and ultimately has helped to repair my relationship with DP.