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i have had enough. i think

(278 Posts)
joblot Sat 06-Aug-11 19:26:22

My relationship is turbulent. We love one another but my partner has a horrible temper and we have argued terribly since she moved in with me last year. She has a 12 year old, who she also gets angry with and with whom I have a good relationship. I love her but I cant cope with her moodswings. We had a stressful time staying with my family last night, home today,and she took to her bed. I was relieved to escape them. She is almost deranged. She has now stormed off to see her dad who's in hospital after a fall and is Angry Im not going. I'm not because she made the arrangement without consulting me and its driven by her mothers guilt trip. She never asked me & because its so inconvenient I decided she can do it herself, I've propped her up enough. He isn't that ill.
It sounds crap.
It is crap. She left saying I hope you die I hate you. Slammed doors, broke stained glass in door. I hope stepson didn't hear but I couldn't see him. She's done this before, she builds up to a mad crescendo and I'm left feeling guilty and floored. Well no more. I've dug deep to understand my part in this and I'm fed up with feeling so bloody awful and scared of her moods. I don't want to lose stepson and our lifestyle and I'm worried as she will have to rent and she moved 10 miles from her home town to move in with me. Which was a big deal. I'm on a double dose of anti-ds and I want to drink more than usual because I'm so so pissed off. My self esteem is on the floor. But as I've said before I'm not perfect, and that's kept me hooked in. End of confession. She has just texted an apology for her part in 'it'. I'm so unsure. I can't bear the thought of a horrible break up. I'm too old for it

Lizzabadger Sat 06-Aug-11 19:37:09

It sounds horrible. Do you need all this stress in your life? If not, you know what to do, unfortunately.

joblot Sat 06-Aug-11 20:13:14

I know but I'm scared and feel guilty for not being good enough. And we can get on. I think the age gap is much more of a problem than I first thought- I'm 14 years older. And the rest

groak Sat 06-Aug-11 20:36:35

'And we get on'? hmm

that's not getting on.

re the 14 year age gap.. it's not an age gap that would cause this behaviour. my friends 20 yr daughter behaves with much better decorum than this.

To tell some one (on anti-d's) i hope you die i hate you is shocking. and a text to sort of apologise??

you can't spend your life terrified and feelingsht in a relationship to protect the step son, surely you could be a support out of the relationship?

oliviasmama Sat 06-Aug-11 20:45:45

sounds completely exhausting and not a healthy environment in which to raise children let alone you to live....sad

HerHissyness Sat 06-Aug-11 21:00:54

She moved in with you last year and already you sound so resigned?

Why ARE you with her?

This is not love, this is hell on earth! You don't stay with people that slam doors so hard they break them, with people that yell and scream at you, with people who make demands and then tell you they hate you because you can't/won't drop everything.

Not after a year FGS!

I ask again, why ARE you with HER? Is it cos you are scared of being on your own? being alone would be better for you than living like this.

double ADs is not usual, it's pretty hard core, were you like this before you met her? If not, SHE is at best contributing, at worst, could be the reason you are so depressed.

Depression is a dangerous, life threatening illness, I should know, it very nearly killed me, you can't live like this, something has to give, and by the looks of it, it won't be her, unless you make a stand.

She moved 10 miles. BIG DEAL! That is the next town to me, and a hop and a jump. She can be there in 30 mins traffic permitting.

You are not responsible for her DS, it's great that you care and wish to be a support to him, but how can you be when you are in this fog of misery? You'd be a much better role mode, support provider if you were out of this dreadful situation.

When she gets back, suggest she leaves and goes and stays with her mum/friend/anyone that will put up with her for a while, TELL her that you really don't want to carry on the relationship on these terms and until she is more civil to you, you'd prefer to live alone.

Once this non-stop font of drama and turmoil is out of your life, I reckon you will start to feel a whole lot calmer, and a whole lot happier.

HerHissyness Sat 06-Aug-11 21:02:57

Guilty for not being good enough?

Good enough for her?

Jesus, how low a bar could there be?

She's not good enough for you, but tearing you to pieces, cos she can't raise her own game.

Does she verbally abuse you?

Saffysmum Sat 06-Aug-11 21:13:02

Were you on ADs before you moved in with her?

Did you "double dose" yourself, or has your GP upped the dose?

If you don't mind me asking what are you on?

You can't go on living like this, nobody should be treated like this. Has your partner sought help for her anger/mood swings?

What do you think she would do/say if you suggested she needs help?

Sorry to ask so many questions, but just want a bit of background to try and help you.

joblot Sat 06-Aug-11 21:29:31

I know. I do know but I'm feeling such a failure. He gets it in the neck and I rationalise it. He has enough people in his life so I feel I'd have to bow out, or poor kid will not have time to turn around. I've told her its over, again but she fights and argues and i doubt myself.

TheOriginalFAB Sat 06-Aug-11 21:32:05

Don't drink, You are not meant to when on AD's and it won't help.

This relationship sounds volatile and unhealthy.

confidence Sat 06-Aug-11 21:35:00

I've learnt from experience that when people are overly quick to express their aggression, in complete disregard of the feelings of those around them, it's often partly a protective mechanism. They feel that by making everything about their aggression, they can stop anyone else's aggression coming towards them and potentially hurting them. The clue is that very often, if you stop behaving like a doormat, stand up for yourself and say something assertive and truthful about what a dick they're being, they crumble like a poor little hurt child and rail against people being so insensitive to their feelings.

I don't know if this rings any kind of a bell, but if it does then that may be a good sign, because these kinds of dynamic CAN be resolved, or at least improved. Sometimes if you steadfastly refuse to be passive and send the person's aggression straight back to them where it belongs, they are forced to deal with it there - in themselves. Some might not have the self-awareness to do so, but some do, and can undergo surprising changes.

This has happened to me a few times now, with a few close friends and to some extent in the early days with DW. I firmly believe that these situations arise in a co-dependent fashion and it takes two to tango. One person needs an easy outlet for their aggression; the other has self worth issues that make them feel on some level they "deserve" to be treated that way, or that their lot in life is to be an anchor for such a partner. Becoming aware of this dynamic and deciding to stop it can challenge some of the deepest aspects of what made the relationship develop in the first place. But if there are other sides to the relationship that are postive and strong, they can emerge all the better for it.

The key is to understand that the aggression is not your responsibility; you don't deserve it; it doesn't belong to you. It belongs to the other person - it may have developed in them by equally negative situations in the previous generation, but your taking it off their shoulders won't address that. The only thing that might address it is when they are forced to confront operating civilly and considerately in the world, while dealing with their OWN shit. I would, for example, calmly insist that she pay for the broken window out of her own money.

It sounds like you are already realising something like this both in the way you think and in refusing to go along with her unreasonable demands. Stick to your guns. If there's something positive there for you, then it needs to be a relationship of responsibile adults and she needs to sort her own crap out. You are entitled to certain considerations of behaviour and if delivering them is so hard for her, then she needs to work out why and not be indulged like a spoilt child.

joblot Sat 06-Aug-11 21:35:29

I'm on fluoxetine. Gp advised double dose. I wasn't on it before but have had 2 previous short prescriptions. She's back and its awful. I'm in the spare room. I want out. She won't talk, not rationally so I've said let's talk tomorrow when we've both slept and rested.
She acknowledges her anger problem but isn't keen on counselling after a bad experience. So it doesn't change.

joblot Sat 06-Aug-11 21:43:08

Yes confidence, some bells ring. I've tried to take it and I've seen lots of the problems as my fault- its definitely about our dynamic, I've over compensated and taken way too much shit. And I've behaved possessively which makes me sad and guilty of developing unhealthiness. Which means I feel responsible for the mess and easy to manipulate I suppose. My own fault really

confidence Sat 06-Aug-11 23:05:44

Obviously I don't know anything about the things you feel bad about like possessiveness, but it's worth being aware of another thing that people like this often do in these circumstances, and that is to keep changing the subject to whatever they need to to avoid responsibility for what they've done wrong. Eg:

"You told me you hope I die. That's really hurtful and not OK."

"Yeah, well YOU'VE done hurtful things too. What about how possessive you were that night in July 1997?".

"I'm sorry to hear you haven't let go of that, despite my apologies, and we can talk about that separately if you like. But it's not the issue here: the issue is that you told me you hope I die."

"Yeah, well you've told me lots of things too. You told me you'd be better about doing housework..."

"Well, maybe that's something we need to talk about too. But that's not the issue here: last night had nothing to do with housework. I had done nothing wrong, but you told me you hope I die."

"Yeah, but you've done lots of other things wrong!"

"I'm sure that's true, since everybody does things wrong sometimes. But that's not what we;re talking about here: how can you think it's OK to tell me you hope I die?"

"er..."

The thing is, such people will do ANYTHING to avoid looking at something they've done simply as itself, as THEIR responsibility that they have to make amends for. They try everything they can, not matter how contrived, to relate it to every possible thing that YOU'VE done wrong, to shift the focus and the burden of responsibility to you.

You must not get sucked into this game, because you cannot win it. You need to draw very clear boundaries around what they've done wrong and refuse to discuss anything else until they've apologised without qualification ("I'm sorry for the outburst of aggression that your continual bad behaviour forced me into" doesn't count!) and done whatever needs to be done to put it right. THEN you draw a line under it, and move onto whatever else needs to be addressed.

If you don't do this, they will never change because they don't need to. They have an easy outlet for their problems by dumping them on you, so they never have to face them.

It may sound like I'm painting this kind of person in a very bad light but I don't mean to. I really believe they don't generally know they're doing it. It's a habitual way of being, supported by the willing though often subconscious collusion of their partner. Like I said my DW was a bit like this when we were first together, but she's a great person and I love her, especially now we've gotten beyond that way of relating to each other.

HerHissyness Sun 07-Aug-11 00:43:24

How long have you been on prozac? I found it didn't work for me at all, upped and upped the dose until I came out in a rash. If it's not working, you need something else.

Is she angry with everyone, or mostly with you?

Could you (please) ask her to leave? It may be the event that stuns her into doing something positive about the way she relates to you. if not, you are free of her and her moods. Win/win situation there!

Would popping along to the Emotional Abuse Support thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1265879-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-3 help?

I think you could benefit from talking with others how you feel about the way you are being treated, and perhaps realise that you have the right to be treated with respect. Come pay a visit?

joblot Sun 07-Aug-11 09:48:18

The stuff confidence says really chimes. We never deal with here and now, she drags the past in and I join in because I don't know how to defend myself. I will consciously try this approach. She's being nice this morning.
Hissyness yes I've looked at that thread and will revisit. Prozac just keeps me from dropping lower I think.
Thanks for all your support, its priceless

Saffysmum Sun 07-Aug-11 10:05:05

Through my work I've seen Prozac turn lives around, but like all ADs it doesn't suit everyone.

Job - did you go on ADs because of your relationship with P? Or do you have a long term problem with depression. Because if it's the first, then hopefully when you disentangle yourself from this relationship, your MH will improve. If you are on them as a result of this relationship - then that says it all really - nobody should have to be medicated to "tolerate" their life with another person, that's terribly sad.

She sounds like a bully to me - an abusive bully. You don't need to put up with this. And I agree with Hissy - ask her to leave. If this stuns her into realising what she has to lose - tell her that she MUST seek help for her anger management etc. Those are the only conditions you will consider staying under.

Good luck.

joblot Sun 07-Aug-11 13:11:43

She asked if I want her to leave and I said yes. To which she replied well I won't, youll have to force me. We spoke about how we feel and I was honest. She tries for a bit but can't maintain it, 10 mins ago she told me how unreasonable I am, I need to get a grip, kids are starving in Africa. I have no response. Then she apologized for it. It's a really shit rollercoaster. I'm working out how to manage the rest of the day as she wants a feiend to come and stay. I suggested she go there but she doesn't want to. I'm beaten I think.

HerHissyness Sun 07-Aug-11 13:25:23

WTF has kids starving in AFrica got to do with her abysmal treatment of you?

yeah, you do need to get a grip... on her belongings and toss em out the door! grin

You are not beaten joblot! not by a long chalk! you have MN behind YOU! how can you possibly fail!? grin

Say NO, TELL her that she will go and stay with her friend if she wants to spend time with her, but that YOU need time in your own space and her behaviour of late is unacceptable and you need time off from it.

I'm at a loss of what to suggest, I feel that there is spousal abuse here. If the sexes were reversed, I'd be advocating WA and advising calling the police if he kicked off.

joblot, 1 in 25 of all women experience abusive relationships in their lifetimes, but it's not only men that bully their partners. I have personally met men who have been abused, and the exact same things I said about my relationship rang true for them too. Come over and post on the EA thread, we'll do our best to support you.

Perhaps www.mensadviceline.org.uk/pages/advice-support-for-male-victims.html might be a good place to call too for more tailored advice and tone?

If you are the only person named on your property, you have the right to end it, and ask her to leave. If she won't go, you have the right to call the police and get them to explain that she has to go.

If possible, encourage her to go to her friends, pack up her stuff and change the locks if you have to.

Saffysmum Sun 07-Aug-11 13:27:11

No, you're not beaten, but deflated by living like this. You have to stand firm, and just repeat again and again quietly and calmly that it's over, and you would like her to move out. If she rants and raves, then say you'll discuss it when she calms down, and walk away.

Is there anywhere you could go to for the day, or even longer possibly? How would you feel about that.

This is so horrible for you.

HerHissyness Sun 07-Aug-11 13:32:38

when you ask an non-abusive partner to stop being cruel, explain how you are hurting and how you need to be alone, the other person respects that.

IME when you ask all of that, and they do nothing, and at times actually increase the hurtful behaviour, then it's abusive, and has to be ended as soon as possible.

You can't make people change, they have to change themselves. You have to ask what is in it for her to reduce her manipulation/control/bad behaviour? why on earth would she give up the right to rule and control you?

IME, there IS no incentive. they see it as their right to dominate, to reduce this would be to relinquish their god-given power, and that is just never going to happen.

On the EA support thread we have discussed whether our abusers know what they are doing. We concluded that yes, absolutely they DID know what they were doing, at all times, they planned conceived and executed their reactions/revenge/plans whatever, but they didn't know WHY they were compelled to do so.

The short of it is, from the perspective of that person at the receiving end, it doesn't matter if they meant it or not, it's unacceptable and has to be stopped, immediately, as it is damaging to us and we deserve much, much better.

HerHissyness Sun 07-Aug-11 13:33:31

when you ask all of that from an abusive partner...

HerHissyness Sun 07-Aug-11 13:34:05

oh, scrub that... blush

joblot Sun 07-Aug-11 14:04:25

I'm a woman by the way. I've worried about her reading this so thought it best not to mentio-n in case she gets angry. Now I see that if she does read it so what, its a fair account. And I am pretty desperate.
I don't think she's planning her behaviour, I think we've become very unhealthy and I've some responsibility for that too. Which is why I believe I also have a responsibility to sort it out fairly.
I have never seen myself as a doormat but that seems to be the case currently

AbbyAbsinthe Sun 07-Aug-11 14:10:57

God what a mess. You really can get a happier life, you know sad How worn out you are with it all jumps out of the page.

If a relationship becomes unhealthy, it's usually a bit of both of you, tbf - but the way you're being treated is dreadful. You need to make your decision and stick to it in sight of the bigger picture. Life's too short for this sort of shit, honestly.

I knew you were a woman from your OP. Don't know how, but I did smile

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