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Awful sex - feeling used. WWYD?

(15 Posts)
springchickennolonger Sat 06-Aug-11 16:38:24

Help please. I am in a long-term (28 years) relationship with my partner and the father of my DD (8). We have been together since I was a student. Before DD was born our relationship was OK - lots in common, similar outlook on life etc. Not perfect, but good and solid. Cracks started to appear when DD started school - he worked long hours in a demanding job whilst i stayed at home and worked part-time when I could. We stopped sharing a bed and having sex about 4 years ago. There is no affection, no empathy - he is totally indifferent to me. I feel that I have worked hard at our life together - I've done up the house single-handedly, I cook every night, I always look my best etc, but he pays me no compliments and does not say sorry when he upsets me. i have had counselling to deal with my anger and frustration, which has helped.

I have sort of mentally packed my bags now, and given up the relationship as a lost cause. However, last weekend, totally out of the blue, he decided that he wanted sex with me. There was no preamble, no flirting, he just sort of came out with it. I tried my best to enjoy it, and when it was over I felt used and humiliated.

I was not expecting to ever have sex with him again, and I had accepted this. I can't see our relationship going anywhere, but does having consensual sex put things in a different light? He is very difficult to talk too about intimate stuff. WWYD if you were me?

FabbyChic Sat 06-Aug-11 16:44:34

If I were you I would consider the relationship over, and find a new home for me and my child, and endeavour to rebuild my life as a single parent.

You deserve to be happy not just ambling alone unhappy day in day out.

The relationship sounds over.

Gastonladybird Sat 06-Aug-11 16:46:39

Agree with fabby. Why are you still there? Assume you have Tried to talk to him about how you feel . I would chalk up last weekend to proving there is nothing left. I knew things were over with my ex when got to stage I needed 4 large drinks to contemplate the rare times we slept together.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Aug-11 16:50:39

Stick to plan A-all the sex shows is that you were right-it is over.

BertieBotts Sat 06-Aug-11 16:52:07

"I can't see our relationship going anywhere, but does having consensual sex put things in a different light?"

No, I don't think so. And it doesn't sound like you particularly wanted it, TBH. It sounds like he knows it's a lost cause and is trying one last ditch attempt to sort it, but that's it?? Sex out of the blue with no flirting or anything? What a tosser.

Jux Sat 06-Aug-11 16:53:52

Did he notice that you weren't enjoying it? TBH, brutally, if you feel used it's probably because you were, he needed to get his rocks off and you are his wife and were around....

I do honestly think your relationship is over and you'll have a much better life iwthout him. Is there any chance that you can talk to him about how best to achieve a separation? Or do you think you will have to force the issue?

Jux Sat 06-Aug-11 16:55:33

Sorry it's come to this for you, it's a long time and hard to write off. Someone said on a thread the other day (and I paraphrase) "There's only one thing worse than wasting a year of your life on someone, and that's wasting a year and day of it."

Santa70 Sat 06-Aug-11 17:06:28

The lack of sex is only a symptom of the other problems in your relationship.

If you cannot fix the problems in your relationship, and you feel you would be happier leaving, then that is the right decision. Don't overcomplicate the analysis of the situation.


springchickennolonger Sat 06-Aug-11 17:17:46

Thanks all. I've tried everything I can to justify his behaviour. I've blamed myself for not being a size ten any more, for not being interesting enough any more, for getting older, for not being able to talk to him, for not feeling able to initiate sex as I find it a chore. jux - yes - he knew I wasn't enjoying it but carried on regardless anyway. santa - I know I'm over-analysing - perhaps I'd be happier just going with the flow and listening to my instincts instead. I just want closure now. Thanks all for replying.

buzzsore Sat 06-Aug-11 18:40:06

I'd say that he knew you weren't into it, weren't enjoying it, but carried on anyway means it might as well be the death of the relationship. Sudden sparks flying and great sex might signal a rekindling, but this? I don't think so.

FlaminSnowball Sat 06-Aug-11 19:55:37

You've said yourself you have already mentally packed your bags. I had done the same recently and I think when you are that point it's already over and there is no going back.

My advice is - be confident in your decision - it wont be easy and be confident in yourself - You WILL find someone new and loving and after it all settles down you will be happy.

susiedaisy Sat 06-Aug-11 20:05:02

I agree with bertiebotts!

ImperialBlether Sat 06-Aug-11 20:47:14

The relationship has ended now, hasn't it? Not only because you don't ever want to sleep with him again, but because he had sex with you knowing that you would prefer to stop.

Time's up, I think.

fellowship Sat 06-Aug-11 21:15:20

Oh wow you've been going through a lot. Is there an equivalent website for men because it just seems like women go thru so much?
You need to find a new life because you don't deserve to be treated this way.
Make sure you confide in a friend and get some support.

BibiBlocksberg Sat 06-Aug-11 21:23:44

I had a very similar experience with an ex. Bad relationship, no sex life for about 4 years. Then we dtd (once) while on holiday and it was truly awful.

To this day I remember the feeling of having been used - thought he may as well have thrown money at me afterwards it was such a one sided using experience.

It did help cement in my mind that i had to get out though and finally found the strength.

Perhaps your own experience might provide a similar 'straw that broke the camels back' reaction to help you leave OP because it sounds like your dd and you would be far happier without him.

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