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Husbands left me and 2 small children and i don't know what to do!(11 Posts)
I really need some help! My husband and I have been having problems for ages so it was no surprise when he said he was leaving me and had met someone else! In some ways it has been a relief, as there is no more arguing and awful atmospheres. I can cope practically with money and all the bills are in my name so I know i'm ok there. The really stupid thing i'm worried about is being alone and having to do things by myself, stupid things like going food shopping or taking the kids on trips out. I can drive, but I can have awful panic attacks if i get lost or stuck in bad traffic, the doctors think its claustrophobia related. So basically i'm worried that my children are going to suffer, not only because their dad isn't around but because they will be stuck in the house all the time. My daughter is 5 and really sensible and does as shes told, so i know if it took her out we'd be ok, but add into the mix my two year old son, who can be really difficult at times, i can't imagine going anywhere then the local park for the foreseeable future. I don't want their dad to be doing all the fun things with them, and me being boring old mum who tells them off and doesn't take them anywhere. I know it sounds really stupid, and trust me i do have other major problems in my life, but this is such an Immediate problem that i just need advice now.
The final bit of this story is that my husband was in the army until recently, and we settled in glous, even though my family and friends are in the north, which is where i am from originally. Consequently i have no friends or family here really for support. I don't want to move as i have a good job and my children are settled in school/nursery. I just want to be able to cope and give my children everything they deserve, including a mentally stable mother who doesn't have a major nervous breakdown everytime she takes them out in the car!
Sorry for waffling and any advice is massively appreciated! xxx
Ok, a coping list.
1 - have your shopping delivered on line, between 8 and 10 pm. Then your children are in bed and you can put it away at your leisure.
2 - always take a pushchair in the car with you. Put your son straight into the pushchair from the car seat and then get your daughter to hold the handle whilst you sort out the car. You can also use the pushchair as a time out device for when your son starts kicking off - he can paddy as much as he likes, but once he's strapped down, you can go back to the car/sit on a bench and ignore him until he packs it up.
3 - Reins. These are a necessity for single parents of more than one child. Hold his hand whilst he walks but also loop the strap around your wrist. Put them on him before you leave the house EVER.
4 - WRT getting lost... for now, until your son's behavior is easier, or you are in a better state of mind, stick to going to places that you know the way to.
Get a navigation unit for your car. No more worries about getting lost.
lol hansiemom! I still get lost even with sat nav!
Thank you so much for list colditz, I know it's all simple stuff I need to do, but everything just seems so overwhelming! Breaking it down has certainly helped.
I tried to talk to my mum about it all, and she just said 'you'll cope, you have to'. Not very practical!
Thank you so much for your response, it really does mean a lot
Is there any kind of bus service where you are? A day out on the bus is no more expensive than a day out by car, you can get a family ticket for all of you. Taking the push chair is good advice.
Is there a church nearby that welcomes young families? You don't have to be a religious zealot to attend and you will soon build up a network of other young mothers.
Once schools go back find a mum and tots group while your daughter is at school.
OP Well, look on this as an investment for the future ... find a reliable hypnotherapist, pay for two or three private sessions and hey presto you will be a lot better (not cured mind you)
I can guarantee that you will start feeling a whole lot better and the panic attacks (if that is what they are) will lessen and finally disappear. Believe me you can't afford not to give it a try.
Have a look on the meet up threads here on mumsnet. I'm pretty sure I saw a gloucester/gloucestershire/cheltenham meet up thread.
I think you should concentrate on getting control of the panic attacks. I believe that CBT can help in some cases, so ask your GP about that, maybe? Once you've strategies for dealing with those, your confidence will build and you can start building a support network of friends locally.
Your mum is probably right. You will cope.
Now that (as you say yourself) the atmosphere and arguing has gone out of your life, you will probably find your overall stress levels are disappearing, and with that the panic attacks should subside too.
You will have more time to yourself now to make new friends, and I am sure there are going to be other single mums in the area who you can become friends with and then arrange trips that you can do together with your children.
Start off locally, look at your area on google maps close up, or google street view, to give yourself a sense of distance and direction. Do the route on google street map which is at eye level as if you were walking or driving down that road, and look at the various landmarks. That way, when you do the journery, it will seem familiar. It really does work.
I would second all the great advice above re shopping and days out.
Know what you mean about driving. I drive locally (villages and small towns) - not a big fan of city centres or busy motorways. When I have to drive somewhere new, I plan it carefully using the instructions from Google maps. Sat navs can be unreliable on occasions. When I do get lost, I find a safe place to park until I regain my composure and bearings - it all works out eventually.
When my children were small and before I had a car of my own, I used to visit my mother (who lived in a city centre) using public transport - train followed by bus. My two DSs were normally little tearaways (18 months between them) but some sense of self-preservation kicked in when used public transport - bustle, strangers, noise, etc. - they behaved pretty well and did as they were told. You have a good ally in your well-behaved 5 yr old DD. I'm sure you will be fine. Good luck and have fun!
Thank you all so much for your help, I really do feel calmer. Still terrified but at least have things in a little more perspective! I think it's a brilliant idea about meeting other single mums, that thought hadn't even crossed my mind and i've done some research tonight to find people to get in touch with. I am going to look at what my local church does and hopefully that will give me some options to! Thanks again and I really do appreciate everyone taking the time to help me xxxx
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