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P. Evans - Controlling People

(10 Posts)
BibiBlocksberg Sat 06-Aug-11 14:30:35

Have been sitting devouring this since it arrived this morning.

What an eye opener! Rarely has a book given me so many explanations.

No wonder I felt invisible and alone in my relationships for so long - it's because to the controllers i ended up living with I really was 'not there'

All they saw was the fantasy person or 'teddy' as it's so well described in the book!

So upsetting now to realise that I haven't been seen, heard, listened to, accepted for literally decades and thought it was all my own fault for obviously being a 'weirdo' who couldn't make herself understood and be liked for my own unique personality.

Not even sure why I'm posting this - just shell-shocked I guess.

For anyone who has ever felt controlled, is living with someone who is controlling them - do read this - it's phenomenal.

garlicbutter Sat 06-Aug-11 17:18:10

Yep! Sorry you're feeling so shocked, Bibi - but also glad, iyswim. Now you're 'getting' it.

Phew! You're so well out of that: you could have spent years longer with him, your poor teddy fur getting shabbier by the month ...

piranhamorgana Sat 06-Aug-11 18:27:53

here is a link .Well done,Bibi.
This book is one that I have found really helpful.

I'm glad you've found it.Good luck x

thisishowifeel Sat 06-Aug-11 19:15:35

Yes, her books have quite literally changed my life. I have passed it on to friends in real life who have found it equally eye opening. I can see my dd being a teddy bear though, and I don't like it one little bit, but she's a feisty one, and I don't ultimately, fancy his chances against her intellect, and her mother's input. ;)

thisishowifeel Sat 06-Aug-11 19:22:46

I'd just like to add....they are fucking first order nutters, nutters of the first fucking order, oh and did I mention just how utterly insane they are?

Sorry, but this teddy bear took a few punches, kicks, scratches and even bites last wednesday....because I am real, I am a gobby cow, and he is now in superdeep shit, as the first thing this teddy bear did was go to the gp and get the dv unit and ss involved within hours of the event.

And just as Ms Evans predicts....he seems to not have ANY understanding of what he has done. And thought that he was still on track for a reconcilliation.

I'm just heartbroken that my kids saw this, Fucking mental twat.

garlicbutter Sat 06-Aug-11 19:37:13

Oh dear, thisis sad I'm sad to hear that. Heartbroken for YOU as well as the kids! xx

BibiBlocksberg Sat 06-Aug-11 19:43:14

Bloody hell thisishowifeel - well done for not letting him make excuses and brushing what he'd done to you under the carpet, takes a lot of strength and courage!

What keeps going around in my mind atm is the sheer number of people (largely male though) who were/are hellbent on controlling others.

And in my case I can see that I was conditioned to discount and dislike everything I am and stand for from childhood making me a perfect ted for later relationships (all of them in fact) angry

Some of these men must have been absolutely delighted to have found someone so pliable and easily guilted to name just two.

Can't shake the memory of me apologising to the man who hit me - for not sounding pleased enough to hear his voice on the phone!!

It's so good to have some answers on the why's - if nothing else that will ensure I won't end up as Teddy ever again.

BibiBlocksberg Sat 06-Aug-11 19:54:39

<full of Saturday night pizza and wine, on an insight 'roll' now>

The HOURS and YEARS I threw away desperately trying to make the other person understand me - thinking if only I can find the 'perfect' way to explain mysellf then all the stupid misunderstandings would be cleared up.

This is why SolidGoldBrass often writes 'you're not a real person to him' isn't it? Thought she was right but a bit ott to be applying it so often.

It's because it's bloody true!!! These people looking for Teddy really do live in a completely separate reality from the rest of us.

I'm getting neckache here I've been shaking my head in disbelief and nodding in recognition so much today!

thisishowifeel Sat 06-Aug-11 20:27:49

Yes I was conditioned from birth to not be real and to accept utter shite from everyone in my life.

ARSE TO THAT!!!!!!

Patricia Evans' books, at first, because of the insight and understanding it gave me, made me possibly slightly more co-dependent at first, thinking that if he could understand, even a bit, that there was some kind of hope. And it worked to an extent. He has had therapy, and while he was having it, it was rather lovely, had a great Christmas and a week in Egypt which were truly wonderful, fun, happy, and without the weird shit. Nice, happy memories...so that's nice.

BUT:

He went away to Benidorm to shoot a video for a few days. Since then, we are back to square one, separated again, and it is worse in the fact that for the first time ever, he has physically attacked me.

I think he stopped going to therapy, started drinking, not only heavily, but in secret, (no hard proof, just circumstancial stuff) and actually, bollocks to that....

I (ME ME ME ME ME!) have, at the same time, started to resurrect MY social life, have fun, start writing again, getting a bit more work, despite the recession, and generally allowing myself to put all that co-dependent energy into MEEEEEEE instead. Not a good teddy.

Looking back, I can see why when we first moved in together, my expectations of this wildly passionate loving, amazing relationship, actually manifested as him painting skirting boards endlessly, day after day, leaving me completely confused. Painting skirting boads made him happy, and teddy was just there to admire how silky smooth he had got the wood.

Insane? Yup.

If ONLY i had known at the time. Skirting board painting is not abuse.....is it?

BibiBlocksberg Sat 06-Aug-11 20:49:41

smile - sorry, smiled at the skirting boards in recognition there. It's the seemingly harmless but nevertheless weird ( in hindsight) things that are so strangely eyeopening.

It does sound like the books theory holds true in your case too thisishowifeel
- as you're doing more things to please you you're showing more separateness and he's upping the ante in trying to force you back into the Teddy role sad

I have wondered about the book giving false hope of being able to get the controllers to see the light. Which is why I won't pass it on to my friend in her EA situation just yet - she's a fixer par excellence (sp) and will cease on that tiny grain of hope.

Damn society and childhood for making so many women believe they have to work like pit pony at improving and keeping their relationships.

When someone literally resides on another planet and can't hear or see the real person in front of them it's time to stop and leave them to their fantasies imo.

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