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Relationships

Friends suddenly not talking to me

10 replies

CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 05/08/2011 23:12

Hello. I hope this is in the right section.

I have 2 friends that I have been friends with for a couple of years. We met when our daughters started school and we live in the same estate. We've all always got on well and had regular nights out. Our daughters, although they have other friends at school, have always got on well together. One in particular I've been closest to, my DH and hers are friends now too, and we all went on holiday together, both families.

About 6 weeks ago, suddenly these two women stopped talking to me. I thought one was being quite off with me, then suddenly the other was a bit off, and the next thing they were totally blanking me on the school run in the mornings (we previously all walked together at times if we happened to be coming out of our houses at the same times). I tried several times to make conversation and they both ignored me, so I spoke to each of them separately (one by text, one on the phone, they wouldn't speak to me in person), and asked if I'd done anything to upset them. I got the answer I expected, "No, of course not". The one on the phone basically asked me why I was trying to cause aggro by asking if I'd done anything wrong, when of course I hadn't done anything wrong.

So I just carried on doing the school run as normal, and again got ignored by them both until the end of term. I went on holiday after the schools finished and I oddly got a text from each of them at a similar time saying "have a nice holiday". I mulled it all over on holiday and decided that their behaviour wasn't acceptable and I wasn't going to tolerate it and the friendships were over as far as I was concerned, but that I'd be polite and say "hello" but nothing more.

I got home from holiday and again got a text from them both at a similar time asking if i want a night out. I said that I'm busy for the next month or so as of course I don't want to go. It seems funny that they both text me at the same time whenever they text me. Then tonight I posted a FB status, which I rarely do really, and one of them made a horrible comment in reply to it.

I know I'm doing the right thing in not bothering with them now, and letting them get on with it but I do feel upset about the whole thing and am starting to doubt myself and think "Am I just a shit person that no one wants to be friends with?". I do have other friends, lots of them really, but this has knocked my confidence, and I worry that these are going to bitch about me at the school to other mums that I'm on friendly terms with and make school runs unpleasant for me. I really can't think of anything I could have done wrong. I've always been a good friend to them both IMO, and I feel that friendship effort has been 3-way, and that I've pulled my weight. Perhaps they just weren't really true friends to me in the first place?

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Kallista · 05/08/2011 23:39

Can't really offer advice as I find making friends hard (although I do have a group of very good friends) It takes me a long time to trust people due to having BPD so I tend to distance myself from people who are friendly until I'm sure of them. Even then I feel paranoid about what they might be thinking / saying about me - can be exhausting at times.
I suspect that you probably didn't do much / if anything 'wrong'. It's an immature 'playground' way for these women to have behaved but that seems to typify how some women (of all ages) are towards other women.
It could be that they want an exclusive 'best friendship' & so found that 'three's a crowd'. Rather than tell you, they let you work it out for yourself then act hurt (by bitching on facebook) when you refuse to remain a casual friend.
The only thing you can do is to be civil if you see them but don't trust them or socialise with them again. If you have lots of other friends then you clearly can't be a 'shit friend'. Continue to be on good terms with other school mum's & try not to get paranoid (unlike me) - it's unhealthy. These two women are the ones who are losing out on a decent friendship so it's their loss - forget them & move on. Dwelling on this will only upset you more.

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PhilipJFry · 05/08/2011 23:46

Delete and block them on facebook. They sound horrible and if they're just going to use the internet to get at you then they should be cut off from that avenue.

To me it sounds like they both had a nasty bitch about you together and then carried on deciding to be rude, then after a while decided (together) to contact you. It's weird and foul.

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FabbyChic · 06/08/2011 00:12

I agree delete and block on facebook. Im sorry you are being treated like this, sometimes we outgrow our friends, and it seems whilst you have gotten older, they have gone back to being a couple of bitch teens.

You are well rid of them, make more time for other friends.

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ImperialBlether · 06/08/2011 00:23

Just what Fabby said.

It would be interesting to know what your 'friend's' husband would say to your DH about it. If I were married, though, and my DH carried on a relationship with the husband of such a bitch, I'd be mad as hell.

Oh and obviously they are together when they are texting. They think that waiting ten minutes to send another text will make you think it's a coincidence. I would block them, say hello in the street and leave it at that.

You will never know why they are so vile.

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CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 06/08/2011 00:39

Thank you everyone.

I agree, dwelling on it will only make me feel more upset and it's best to move on. I'm going to delete and block them on FB; I did consider this but wondered if it'd cause more trouble than it's worth, but then if they're blocked they'll probably assume I've left FB anyway.

My DH isn't in contact with her DH very much these days; we've come to the conclusion that actually they only really contacted us when they wanted a favour (such as their child picked up from school), or when there was no one better to spend time with.

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mairyhinge · 06/08/2011 09:58

You sound like me, put everything into a freindship, then get it thrown back at you in a spectacular style.I want to find a freind who is like me.
So far this year i have helped out a freind with free childcare, stopped my other freinds marriage from ending, simply by speaking to her husband, and just generally been about for help, coffee, freindly ear...
The past few months have been awful for me, and where have they been??? NOWHERE.
Feck em, friendship is overrated.

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CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 06/08/2011 10:05

Mairy, you have summed up my thoughts exactly and yes we definitely sound alike. I'd like to find a friend like me/us too. One of the friends I was referring to I've given so much free childcare to her and her husband, and done favours regularly, and now looking back it probably was all one sided and I didn't actually gain that much from the friendship.

I've had it done to me before, years ago, too. I think the best bet is probably to just make no effort whatsoever because people that act that way seem to have people swarming all over them trying to please them. I spoke to my counsellor about it all and she said to decide on my boundaries and stick to them, and make it clear I won't tolerate behaviour like that.

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CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 06/08/2011 10:08

To add, it makes me feel a lot like I'm back at school, you know where someone is left out and ostracised and then the bullies constantly find extra things to pull them up on? "Oh and you do this, change this and we'll be friends"

The up and down-ness of how they are being reminds me of this; I have a feeling that even if I had done something wrong, in a few weeks they'd find something else, and something else after that.

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Kallista · 06/08/2011 11:32

In that case you are well rid of them! The things that my friends have in common is that they are down to earth, laid back, caring & fun to be with.
They are women & men I can be honest with & they don't bitch or judge.
They are aged 20s - 40s, we met at school, at work, as flatmates or through mutual friends; yet all have those traits. I have had shallow 'friends' who disappeared at times of crisis, or who were bitchy & affected my confidence.
Don't stop being a kind person though - just be yourself & try not to get bitter.

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CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 06/08/2011 13:35

I'm trying so hard not to feel bitter Kallista, I think I've just overall tried too much in life with friendships. Perhaps I'd be better off just letting people make an effort with me rather than the other way round. I do have several friends with the wonderful qualities you've described and it makes you really appreciate them when things like this happen doesn't it?